Dealing with Family at Holiday Get-Togethers

Artwork by Sarah Vanell

Do you long for that connected, loving family feeling at holiday get-togethers? Are you instead disappointed, frustrated or hurt, wondering why your family gatherings resemble a horror film more than a Hallmark movie? Navigating family gatherings can be challenging in general, but particularly around the holidays when expectations and pressure to feel close and happy are high.

Dread no more! Here are some ideas to help you feel more peaceful before during and after the family function.

Awareness

It’s almost a given that when surrounded by family – even for an evening -- we fall back into the same relational patterns that were in place when we lived with our family – and those can sometimes be dysfunctional. If your family members tend to engage in the same old negative patterns of relating to each other whenever you gather, think about what those are, and how you play into the system. By identifying your family’s patterns and your role in them, at the time of the event you can be conscious and mindful about not falling into your childhood or adolescent role. Remind yourself that back in your current life you wear your “adult hat”. Commit to yourself that you will keep it on during the event.

Write a Gratitude List

Before the event, put yourself in a positive frame of mind by writing a list of things related to your family that you are grateful for.

Be Prepared

Know your Triggers

You may be triggered by Mom pushing food on you, or by Uncle Larry asking you for the 10th year running when you’re going to get married. Prepare by writing a list of triggering behaviors in you relatives and brainstorm how you will handle them so you are not caught off-guard – which is when we tend to respond impulsively. Ask a friend for help if you are stumped. A pal can see the situation more objectively and will likely offer a simple solution.

Message Points

Do you feel anxious about being put on the spot, like by Uncle Larry, or do you feel you need something exceptional to report to people you haven’t seen for the past year…and nothing exceptional has happened? Before your family function, prepare some message points about yourself you feel comfortable sharing, so again, you are not caught like a deer in headlights, and don’t leave regretting how you answered (or didn’t answer) relatives’ queries. One or two bullet points should satisfy their curiosity If you’re not feeling incredibly accomplished, keep it impersonal: tell them about a vacation you took, a visit to see other family members, or what your kids are doing. Pictures are great too.

Questions

And to further take the focus off yourself, prepare some questions for you to ask your family. People love to hear themselves talk, so take advantage!

Why we have Two Ears and One Mouth

Prioritize listening over talking. You don’t have to spill your guts just because you think you’re “supposed to” be close since “they are family…”

Avoid Arguments

There’s an old saying: “Would you rather be right or be happy?” You may be convinced your political views are the only decent ones, and your opposite-side-of-the-fence aunt thinks the same. She can air her views – which may be very distasteful to you – but you don’t need to engage in an argument, or even a conversation about them! Listen politely (or tune it out) and then move onto the next subject. You are not condoning her views, just keeping the peace…and protecting your serenity.

Take What you Like and Leave the Rest

Having too high expectations for that Hallmark family experience can lead to major disappointment and even anger during or after an event. Try to keep your expectations more realistic and actively look for things you appreciate in your family members -- even if it’s just that they make the effort to maintain the tradition of gathering once a year. If you start to notice all the things that aggravate you, think about why you are here: to reconnect, catch up, see how the kids have grown, give a hug, or see an older relative who you may not be seeing for too many more of these events. You can also get involved with the kids, help clear the table or do the dishes to change your negative perspective.

Detach with Love

If, despite your best efforts, you are still having a hard time tolerating your family, take a play from the Al-anon book and “detach with love,” You can make a decision to maintain your peace of mind no matter what is happening around you. Put up your invisible protective layer so you can listen and watch politely, without becoming involved emotionally. It’s perfectly okay – even preferable – to love your family and not participate in their drama.

Practice gratitude again!

When you leave your family get-together, make another gratitude list. This time, how about sharing some of your entries in a follow-up call or email with the family members in question? It can really promote closeness and connection with each other.

It’s funny how it works, but cultivating qualities such as awareness, detachment and gratitude may just lead you to feel more close and connected to your family so you can wake up the next morning – maybe having eaten too much – but without an emotional hangover.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate

5 brilliant mindfulness tips to brighten your holiday spirit

Tis’ the season of the holidays, and while we may strive for joy, peace and yuletide cheer, this time of year often brings  an abundance of stress and anxiety.  The months of November and December can rapidly escalate  the pressure to orchestrate the perfect holiday ambiance. The search for the perfect gift or throwing the perfect holiday party can activate an impulse to measure our self-worth against the standards of our “ideal” selves or others.  Before we know it, holiday cheer is transformed into holiday madness. We find ourselves unwittingly caught up in the frenzied snowstorm of mixed emotions and self criticism.  

According to National Institute of Health, Christmas is the time of year that people experience a high incidence of depression. One North American survey reported that 45% of respondents dreaded the festive season. Images on social media and Hollywood movies of a cozy warm fireplace or a beautifully decorated tree contribute to our collective sense that this is undoubtedly the “most wonderful time of the year.” The pressure of attempting to actualize societal standards can fuel unrealistic expectations, stress, and self-criticism. Additionally, fantasizing about the perfect holiday can distract from the immediacy of what the holiday season has to offer: gratitude, self-reflection and the time to express our love for family and friends.  

Before you ask yourself, “have I been naughty or nice?” … take a moment to reflect on the following mindfulness tips. We hope these ideas will inspire a spirit of kindness and love for yourself and others.

Here are 5 ways to stay grounded and mindful during the holiday season:

1. MINDFUL: Stay present. Breathe. Make sure you spend at least 5 minutes sitting quietly to reflect. You can download meditation apps that guide you through a visualization or stress reduction exercise. Try to calm your body by taking a bath, practicing yoga or going for a hike.  

2. SELF-CARE: Prioritize a routine of self-care. Exercise, sleep and healthy eating will help to keep the roller coaster of the holiday buzz from knocking you off your balance

3. ROUTINE:  Plan ahead and focus on the things that are within your control. Work deadlines, problematic family members and holiday events are sometimes outside of your control. Learn to set boundaries, organize time and, if needed, say “no” when it’s not the right time for you.  

4. SELF-REGULATION: Avoid the excessive use of alcohol, sugar and caffeine to regulate your emotions or to assist in powering through the busy holiday season. This may give you temporary relief but can cause fluctuations in energy and mood, and ultimately burnout.

5. LOVE: Connect with others and yourself. The holiday season is a great time to connect with friends and family. Meet up with your loved ones to share a meal and celebrate the people you love.

In short, remember to pace yourself mindfully, shift your focus and keep it simple. The holiday season does not have to become a frantic time of holiday madness and emotional burnout. Gift yourself this holiday season by slowing down, breathing deeply, and taking an emotional u-turn towards self-care and self-love.

Additional resources:
https://www.headspace.com
https://www.yogaglo.com
https://shambhala.org

co-editors: Megan Faralli, LMHC and Alan S. Vanell, LMHC
 

Getting to the Heart of the Matter Hawaii Retreat : Unlocking Blocks to Intimacy

Alohavillas.com | Luxurious Beach Front Resort

Mindful Psychotherapy Services is happy to announce our Hawaiian retreat “Getting to the heart of the matter: unlocking blocks to intimacy”

We hope that many of you will be able to join us for a uniquely powerful experience and intensive track to positive change in a luxurious, beachfront villa on the Island of Maui. This 5-day Hawaii retreat includes locally sourced meals by a private chef, meditation instruction, yoga and 3 full days of workshops and process groups led by Toni Herbine-Blank, international speaker, author and founder of Intimacy from the Inside Out©. 

In this concentrated program, you’ll transform your relationship to yourself and others and discover the key to unlocking blocks to intimacy. 

How big can your heart get?

Why Therapists Don’t Give Advice

“I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.” -Oscar Wilde

It’s a Wednesday afternoon, and the sun is casting a golden light through the blinds. I am sitting across from my patient Andrew, who wrinkles his face and says in an exasperated tone, “Look, I know you don’t give advice, but what do you think I should do about this mess?”

I respond, “It would be easy for me to answer your questions with advice, but how would that be of any help to you?”

In reality, I do have opinions about Andrew’s relationship. This is the second time he has jumped headfirst into a romantic relationship without consulting anyone. Now he’s in over his head in a tumultuous love affair with a co-worker who is married to one of the partners in his firm. It seems clear to me that Andrew has some commitment issues which he’s been exploring in treatment for some time. Every time we get close to addressing some of his intimacy issues, he predictably gets into a high octane love affair that is nearly impossible to disentangle himself from.

I sit across from him patiently waiting for his reply. Finally, he says, “Well, if I get you to tell me what to do, it would make it easier for me.”

“What do you gain from me making things easier for you?”

“I guess nothing. I don’t learn anything for myself. Ugh. How did I get myself into the mess?”

Bingo. This is the moment when Andrew begins feeling motivated to wonder about how and why he’s gotten himself into this situation.

Therapists are notorious for asking questions in response to questions instead of giving advice. While this can be irritating, there are reasons for this:

1. There’s a lot to learn from tension. When people ask for advice, they are sometimes asking to be relieved of the tension around ambiguity. If the therapist gives the patient the answer, the patient will not build the necessary resources to understand how to tolerate tension and learn to manage uncertainty.
    
2. Decision-making leads to independence and agency. Effort and struggle provide a sense of empowerment. It’s disempowering to have someone else make a choice about your life. The act of making a one’s own decision involves an active commitment to taking responsibility for the outcome.
    
3. Therapists are human beings and have blind spots like everyone else. They may have the purest of intentions, but their opinions are limited by their own life experiences. Refraining from offering definitive advice creates the opportunity to explore multiple options and creative solutions.

Therapists who are doing good work understand that the most powerful tool to have in life is to know oneself and to act on one’s own behalf.

The difference between coaching and therapy

Should you see a therapist or a coach? Founder and executive director of Mindful Psychotherapy, Yoon Kane, LCSW, CGP explains the difference between therapy and coaching.

Three early red flags you need couple therapy

When is the right time for couple therapy? Founder and executive director of Mindful Psychotherapy Yoon Kane, LCSW, CGP talks about the 3 early red flags that your relationship may be headed for trouble.

Toxic Bosses

If you’ve ever worked for a “toxic boss” the following should sound familiar: Your boss repeatedly criticizes you, blames you, compares you (unfavorably) to others, discounts your contributions and worth, and is hostile or passive-aggressive. You can’t always put your finger on why, but you end up tied up in a knot, frustrated, angry or demoralized with each interaction. As a result you – and most likely your colleagues – experience an underlying feeling of anxiety, distrust, negativity, helplessness, lack of energy…even despair. 

So how do you deal with a toxic boss? Ideally, you get a new job. But if this is not a viable solution, there are ways to reduce the serious physical and emotional damage that can result from working under persistently stressful conditions. Here are some tips to help make working for a toxic boss more manageable:

Minimize your dealings with your boss.

·      Be as specific and efficient as possible in your communications to limit your time dealing with your boss.

·      Identify others you can go to for information, support or guidance.

·      If at all possible, request to be placed on a different team or with a different supervisor.

Respond, don’t react.

·      If your boss is yelling at you, bullying you or calling you names, say, “I’m happy to finish this conversation when you are calmer, but I’m going back to my office for now.” Or, “I’m going to end this conversation if you call me names.”

Set boundaries and don’t explain

·      Learn to say no to unreasonable demands. Simply, without justification. Remember the old slogan, “’No’ is a complete sentence.”

·      You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, so better to just state your limits and have a mantra ready to combat any lashing out. “I can’t do that right now,” or, “I can work on it as soon as I am done with the ___ project.” Hold your ground despite your boss’s emotional reaction.

Document

·      For your emotional well being, and in case you ever need specific information for potential intervention by higher-ups, take notes. First, write down what happened, date and time, the situation, and what was said or done.

Next – and more importantly for your mental health – write down how you felt before, during and after the incident. It will help you clarify how this person’s behavior affects you, make sense of what goes on for you emotionally, and inform you where your reactions might be contributing to your distress.

Detach

·      If you are unable to make a change and are stuck with your boss, learn to detach emotionally. It sounds – and is at first – difficult, but it can be done. Recognize what this person is about. Even if you don’t understand why, become aware of what seems to trigger them, what their typical reactions are, what they try to do to catch you off-guard and unbalance you. Then when it happens, put up your invisible shield. Remind yourself this is not about you. Listen for any important content and literally forget about the rest. How important is it?

·      Distressing as the behavior is, this is the way your boss operates and you have no chance of changing their M.O. You do have a chance of defusing their behavior by not reacting in kind and not taking it personally.

Just listen – as long as they are not yelling or being otherwise abusive – respond calmly and succinctly, and leave. Or read over their email, draft a response and make sure it’s brief and just the facts. No emotional content. With practice you can learn to detach emotionally and be less confused or hurt by their behavior. Plus, you can maintain your integrity by staying self-contained and doing nothing you regret.

Debrief

·      Even if you detach, you may still experience some stress from the overall tenor of your work environment. So call or text a friend if you can, even if you just say, “There she goes again” or “I’m committing to not being frazzled by him.” After work do something healthy to unwind, to relax, to work off your pent up energy, and talk with someone if you can.

The bottom line is that you, unfortunately, have zero control over your boss’s behavior. But you do have control over your own actions. So “keep the focus on yourself.” Monitor your responses, your thoughts and your feelings, and practice “radical self-care” and you’ll see your situation become more manageable, even if your boss doesn’t change a bit.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate

5 red flags you’re dealing with a narcissist

I was recently interviewed by Allure magazine for a piece on Narcissism. The interviewer wanted a professional to explain in lay terms the ways to spot a narcissist and whether it’s possible to stay in a relationship with one. Here are some tidbits from the interview. 

We’re all a little narcissistic:
Most of us have some quality of narcissism. It’s important to understand that narcissism is a trait that varies from person to person and describes a set of behaviors on a continuum. For example, narcissistic qualities peak in teenage years and decrease in severity with age. A study from the National Institutes of Health determined that 9.4 percent of 20- to 29-year-olds exhibit extreme narcissism, compared with 3.2 percent of those older than 65.

Healthy narcissism is a useful defense mechanism when you need a small dose of entitlement, for example, when you're asking for a raise or being unfairly treated. The number of people who carry an actual clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to be around 1 percent of the population. People with NPD display pathological traits such as grandiosity, self-centeredness, and a constant need for attention and admiration. Their relationships are unhealthy and destructive as a result of impaired empathy. Additionally, they rely constantly on others for endless ego boosting and reassurance to shore up the distorted belief that they are better than others.

If you are wondering if someone you know is NPD or has narcissistic traits, here's a helpful question to ask yourself: "Is this a trait or a state?" Are they situationally exhibiting NPD-like behaviors in front of peers or on social media (state) or are they consistently demonstrating NPD- behaviors in most areas of their life with little insight? (trait)

Be aware of the vulnerable narcissist:
For most people, when they imagine a narcissist, they immediately conjure up the stereotype of a chest thumping, charismatic, cult of personality. On the contrary, you would be surprised how subtle narcissistic personalities can be. A good example is the vulnerable narcissist. They easily express neediness and helplessness to seamlessly suck you into their drama with feigned fragility.  In reality, the helpless narcissists have a habit of externalizing blame and project their responsibility onto others. They are not interested in how their neediness and demands impact others. They are always the victim and it’s never their fault.

5 Red flags you're dealing with a narcissist:

1. They rarely ask about you unless they have something to gain.
2. You feel special in their presence but feel exhausted after
3. They seem to have little regard for your boundaries
4. Low frustration tolerance: minor disappointments turn into rage, temper outbursts or stonewalling.
5. History of short term relationships or infidelity. The narcissist seek caretakers, sensitive or empathic personalities whom they can manipulate.

Is it possible to be in a relationship with a narcissist?
People with NPD have difficulty in intimate relationships because successful relationships require the following traits:

- Low selfishness
- Forgiveness
- Sensitivity
- Supportiveness
- Generosity
- Empathy

The nature of their disorder limits them from genuinely engaging in any of the listed healthy relationship behaviors. It’s possible with therapy to help them understand their impact on others if they're motivated to learn and change. Typically, true narcissists stay out of the therapy office because they rarely see themselves as the problem. The exception is during big life changes such as a divorce, major illness or job loss. If you are the care-taking, empathic type in a relationship with a narcissist, the best step toward health is to focus on taking care of your own needs, setting clear limits and seeking therapy. 

*Stay tuned for 5 ways to handle the narcissist in your life.

CGPS 2017 Spring Workshop Presentation: Race, Sex + Power

On May 20th - 21st 2017, I was invited by the Carolinas Group Psychotherapy Society as the featured presenter to lead their spring conference event at the UNC Friday Center. The topic was Race, Sex + Power. I was blown away by the level of skill, insight, and compassion demonstrated by the participants. It was a powerful and healing weekend for all!

An excerpt from my plenary at the CGPS weekend conference:

"As group therapists, it is part of our job description to create a safe, inviting container for our patients. This takes a tremendous effort from the group leader. In order for the therapist to help others heal, the therapist has to understand, own and accept their own unconscious feelings. What this means is that the therapist must have empathy for themselves. They must willingly expose themselves in a controlled manner to their own unconscious beliefs, feelings, and thoughts"

Stay tuned for the full write up.

Yoon Kane LCSW, CGP - Interview with CGPS - Spring Workshop 2017

Tom Thorsheim, Ph.D. interviews Yoon Kane LCSW, CGP as the featured presenter at the Carolina Group Psychotherapy Society Spring Conference Event, May 20 - 21, 2017.

Yoon will be presenting on the topic of Race, Sex & Power and Group Psychotherapy. The Spring Workshop will be held on May 20th - 21st, 2017 at the Friday Center - Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

More Info on the Workshop >>