The Myth of Success and the Illusion of Power
The Great Wall of Midlife
As both a therapist and a BIPOC woman navigating life’s complexities, I’ve often confronted what I call the "Great Wall of Midlife." It’s that moment when you wake up and realize the dreams you nurtured through your twenties and thirties have either shifted, disappeared, or become irrelevant. What once seemed like a limitless horizon of possibilities narrows, leaving you with stark realities—broken relationships, empty nests, or, for many, divorce.
This moment of reflection resonates profoundly with those experiencing significant life changes, especially among individuals who face marginalization due to gender, race, social status, or societal norms. They realize that the world they built—through emotional labor, relationship maintenance, and quiet support—no longer exists as they thought. Worse, the systems designed to provide justice after such upheavals remain stuck in an outdated time warp, blind to the complexities of modern life.
The Invisible Power Games
These individuals—whether professionals, caregivers, or those balancing multiple roles—have quietly sacrificed more than most realize. They’ve been the emotional scaffolding for relationships, families, and communities, often deferring control over finances—not because they lacked the ability, but because time and energy were limited. Trust in a shared future was implicit. Equality was assumed. Until one day, it wasn’t.
Then, a major event—a divorce, a job loss, or a personal crisis—happens, and they are shocked to learn that someone else held all the power. Courts or institutions often assume both parties had equal access and understanding, but many were left in the dark—whether by design or circumstance.
It’s not just about the numbers on a spreadsheet. It’s about the emotional toll of realizing that the game was rigged. You poured your life into a partnership, made sacrifices, and built a future. Yet, in the end, you are reduced to a figure on a financial ledger that doesn’t capture even half of what you contributed. The emotional labor, relationship-building, and the quiet work of ensuring everything ran smoothly? These contributions are overlooked in favor of cold calculations and imaginary numbers.
This experience is far from unique. As sociologist Jess Calarco explains, free-market systems create winners and losers, and it is often the marginalized who are left picking up the pieces (Calarco, 2020). Mental and emotional support, according to feminist philosopher Eva Feder Kittay, is the unseen force that unites families, communities, and workplaces, and this important contribution deserves recognition and appreciation (Kittay, 1999). However, the legal, financial, and social systems largely disregard this unseen labor.
Take, for instance, women going through midlife divorce. These women—educated, successful, balancing careers, homes, and families—often sacrifice more than most people realize. They have served as the emotional foundation of relationships and households, frequently delegating financial management to their partners while they address more immediate concerns. Then comes divorce, and they find themselves in a system where financial transparency is an optical illusion. What comes next isn’t just the shock of realizing the power was never truly balanced—it’s a deeper, more unsettling reckoning. Suddenly, life has imploded around them, leaving them adrift, wondering how it all slipped by. It's in this moment of uncertainty that the real work begins—the process of rebuilding, redefining, and deciding what comes next.
The Weight of Weltschmertz: The Gap Between Myth and Reality
This realization carries a unique exhaustion—a Weltschmerz, a German word that describes the deep sorrow that comes when reality falls short of what we imagined and once believed. The myth that you could do it all—career, family, love—only to find that your contributions were never truly valued. The glitter of youth wears off, and you are left to confront the painful gap between the life you thought you were creating and the reality you now face.
As the world moves to digital platforms and innovative currencies, even those who thrived in traditional systems are facing exclusion. It’s a strange mirror reflecting the marginalization others have long faced. Power dynamics change, leaving those who once held power feeling helpless and disillusioned.
At this point, Robert Kegan, a Harvard professor of adult development, describes midlife as a profound transition, a shift from seeking external validation to finding internal meaning (Kegan, 1982). We begin to ask ourselves, Whose life am I living? What truly matters now? For many, especially those facing marginalization, the systems that govern their lives were never designed to recognize their value or contributions. They were promised a seat at the table, only to discover that the invitation expired in midlife.
Freud termed this phenomenon "the blindness of the seeing eye"; it happens when an individual has a vague understanding of something but fails to fully comprehend it until it is too late. So, how did we allow ourselves to become blind to what was right in front of us?
The Midlife Shift: From Validation to Meaning
Midlife, or any major transformative moment, is not about lamenting what could have been. It’s about reassessing what remains and building a life that reflects the truth of your contributions. However, internal and external systems that fail to recognize the underlying realities frequently stymie this process. These systems prioritize numbers while ignoring the emotional and mental labor that built and sustained everything over time.
Personal crises—such as a breakup, job loss, or loss of identity—are often commodified in a culture that prioritizes competition and individuality. Assets may be divided and severance packages offered, but what about the emotional foundation that held everything together? That remains overlooked. As Tolstoy asked in Confession (1882), “What is it all for? Where does it lead?”
In a culture that prioritizes material success over initiatives to strengthen families, communities, and connections, what place do relationship-building, emotional investment, and sacrifice have? Where does it end when systems keep the marginalized financially and emotionally blindfolded, only to expect them to rebuild with little more than a dismissive "you should be grateful for what you got," as if they were somehow done a favor?
This is where the illusion of power starts to unravel. Money, like all human creations, is only as good as the impact it has and the changes it can bring about. The stories we allow ourselves to believe are merely a facade that reinforces the myth of power. The importance of social status and money, like the nature of power, is rooted in the collective stories we tell ourselves and the shared beliefs we accept without question. This interplay between belief and reality profoundly affects how we perceive and assign value, both to material wealth and to influence. Yet, in truth, the only lasting currency is the strength found within one’s own soul—the courage to face oneself.
Cultural narratives shape our understanding of wealth and power in our society. We are misled into believing that power is external—something to be acquired or taken from others—when, in fact, it is a force that exists within us. This fallacy distorts reality, clouding our perception of personal power and limiting our ability to tap into inner strength. Ignorance and self-deception are powerful forces. When we give up what is real for the comfort of easy escape, we give others the power to dictate how we live our lives. This is not a passive surrender; it is an active decision to allow someone else to define our reality and direct our fate.
The Courage To Choose Your Own Path
With this understanding, we must ask ourselves: If price does not equate to value, how do we create systems that reflect what truly matters? Each of us plays a role in building a society where empathy, justice, and equality are not luxuries but essential values. In the children’s book, The Little Prince, when its time for the fox to say goodbye to the prince, he shares a secret: “a very simple secret: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, 1943). True value isn’t found in numbers or appearances but in the invisible bonds we build, the emotional energy we invest, and the unseen work that sustains and enriches our lives.
Choosing to live with courage is a conscious decision. We must reclaim our power and agency in a society that promotes complacency and the comfort of playing it safe. True ownership of self-worth goes beyond bravery; it requires actively challenging self-defeating limitations and demonstrating inner strength through action. Genuine power comes from accountability, which requires us to be honest with ourselves and hold ourselves to a higher standard. Make the decision to pursue your own life path and move forward boldly, rather than focusing on the opinions of others. Declaring, "I am done with this lie," does more than close a chapter; it lights the way for others, empowering them to speak up and reclaim their dignity. In doing so, we honor the legacy of those who came before us, whose courage and struggles paved the way for where we are today.
References:
Adler, A. (1927). Understanding Human Nature. Fawcett.
Calarco, J. M. (2020). Free Market Families: How Economics, Policy, and Institutions Shape the Lives of Families. Princeton University Press.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, A. (1943). The Little Prince. Reynal & Hitchcock.
Kegan, R. (1982). The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development. Harvard University Press.
Kittay, E. F. (1999). Love’s Labor: Essays on Women, Equality, and Dependency. Routledge.
Tolstoy, L. (1882). Confession. The Floating Press.
Books by Yoon Im Kane:
Women, Intersectionality and Power in Group Psychotherapy Leadership (2021)