Beyond the Therapy Office: Truth about the Myth of Success

The Myth of Success and the Illusion of Power

The Great Wall of Midlife

As both a therapist and a BIPOC woman navigating life’s complexities, I’ve often confronted what I call the "Great Wall of Midlife." It’s that moment when you wake up and realize the dreams you nurtured through your twenties and thirties have either shifted, disappeared, or become irrelevant. What once seemed like a limitless horizon of possibilities narrows, leaving you with stark realities—broken relationships, empty nests, or, for many, divorce.

This moment of reflection resonates profoundly with those experiencing significant life changes, especially among individuals who face marginalization due to gender, race, social status, or societal norms. They realize that the world they built—through emotional labor, relationship maintenance, and quiet support—no longer exists as they thought. Worse, the systems designed to provide justice after such upheavals remain stuck in an outdated time warp, blind to the complexities of modern life.

The Invisible Power Games

These individuals—whether professionals, caregivers, or those balancing multiple roles—have quietly sacrificed more than most realize. They’ve been the emotional scaffolding for relationships, families, and communities, often deferring control over finances—not because they lacked the ability, but because time and energy were limited. Trust in a shared future was implicit. Equality was assumed. Until one day, it wasn’t.

Then, a major event—a divorce, a job loss, or a personal crisis—happens, and they are shocked to learn that someone else held all the power. Courts or institutions often assume both parties had equal access and understanding, but many were left in the dark—whether by design or circumstance.

It’s not just about the numbers on a spreadsheet. It’s about the emotional toll of realizing that the game was rigged. You poured your life into a partnership, made sacrifices, and built a future. Yet, in the end, you are reduced to a figure on a financial ledger that doesn’t capture even half of what you contributed. The emotional labor, relationship-building, and the quiet work of ensuring everything ran smoothly? These contributions are overlooked in favor of cold calculations and imaginary numbers.

This experience is far from unique. As sociologist Jess Calarco explains, free-market systems create winners and losers, and it is often the marginalized who are left picking up the pieces (Calarco, 2020). Mental and emotional support, according to feminist philosopher Eva Feder Kittay, is the unseen force that unites families, communities, and workplaces, and this important contribution deserves recognition and appreciation (Kittay, 1999). However, the legal, financial, and social systems largely disregard this unseen labor.

Take, for instance, women going through midlife divorce. These women—educated, successful, balancing careers, homes, and families—often sacrifice more than most people realize. They have served as the emotional foundation of relationships and households, frequently delegating financial management to their partners while they address more immediate concerns. Then comes divorce, and they find themselves in a system where financial transparency is an optical illusion. What comes next isn’t just the shock of realizing the power was never truly balanced—it’s a deeper, more unsettling reckoning. Suddenly, life has imploded around them, leaving them adrift, wondering how it all slipped by. It's in this moment of uncertainty that the real work begins—the process of rebuilding, redefining, and deciding what comes next.

The Weight of Weltschmertz: The Gap Between Myth and Reality

This realization carries a unique exhaustion—a Weltschmerz, a German word that describes the deep sorrow that comes when reality falls short of what we imagined and once believed. The myth that you could do it all—career, family, love—only to find that your contributions were never truly valued. The glitter of youth wears off, and you are left to confront the painful gap between the life you thought you were creating and the reality you now face.

As the world moves to digital platforms and innovative currencies, even those who thrived in traditional systems are facing exclusion. It’s a strange mirror reflecting the marginalization others have long faced. Power dynamics change, leaving those who once held power feeling helpless and disillusioned.

At this point, Robert Kegan, a Harvard professor of adult development, describes midlife as a profound transition, a shift from seeking external validation to finding internal meaning (Kegan, 1982). We begin to ask ourselves, Whose life am I living? What truly matters now? For many, especially those facing marginalization, the systems that govern their lives were never designed to recognize their value or contributions. They were promised a seat at the table, only to discover that the invitation expired in midlife.

Freud termed this phenomenon "the blindness of the seeing eye"; it happens when an individual has a vague understanding of something but fails to fully comprehend it until it is too late. So, how did we allow ourselves to become blind to what was right in front of us?

The Midlife Shift: From Validation to Meaning

Midlife, or any major transformative moment, is not about lamenting what could have been. It’s about reassessing what remains and building a life that reflects the truth of your contributions. However, internal and external systems that fail to recognize the underlying realities frequently stymie this process. These systems prioritize numbers while ignoring the emotional and mental labor that built and sustained everything over time.

Personal crises—such as a breakup, job loss, or loss of identity—are often commodified in a culture that prioritizes competition and individuality. Assets may be divided and severance packages offered, but what about the emotional foundation that held everything together? That remains overlooked. As Tolstoy asked in Confession (1882), “What is it all for? Where does it lead?”

In a culture that prioritizes material success over initiatives to strengthen families, communities, and connections, what place do relationship-building, emotional investment, and sacrifice have? Where does it end when systems keep the marginalized financially and emotionally blindfolded, only to expect them to rebuild with little more than a dismissive "you should be grateful for what you got," as if they were somehow done a favor?

This is where the illusion of power starts to unravel. Money, like all human creations, is only as good as the impact it has and the changes it can bring about. The stories we allow ourselves to believe are merely a facade that reinforces the myth of power. The importance of social status and money, like the nature of power, is rooted in the collective stories we tell ourselves and the shared beliefs we accept without question. This interplay between belief and reality profoundly affects how we perceive and assign value, both to material wealth and to influence. Yet, in truth, the only lasting currency is the strength found within one’s own soul—the courage to face oneself.

Cultural narratives shape our understanding of wealth and power in our society. We are misled into believing that power is external—something to be acquired or taken from others—when, in fact, it is a force that exists within us. This fallacy distorts reality, clouding our perception of personal power and limiting our ability to tap into inner strength. Ignorance and self-deception are powerful forces. When we give up what is real for the comfort of easy escape, we give others the power to dictate how we live our lives. This is not a passive surrender; it is an active decision to allow someone else to define our reality and direct our fate.

The Courage To Choose Your Own Path

With this understanding, we must ask ourselves: If price does not equate to value, how do we create systems that reflect what truly matters? Each of us plays a role in building a society where empathy, justice, and equality are not luxuries but essential values. In the children’s book, The Little Prince, when its time for the fox to say goodbye to the prince, he shares a secret: “a very simple secret: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, 1943). True value isn’t found in numbers or appearances but in the invisible bonds we build, the emotional energy we invest, and the unseen work that sustains and enriches our lives.

Choosing to live with courage is a conscious decision. We must reclaim our power and agency in a society that promotes complacency and the comfort of playing it safe. True ownership of self-worth goes beyond bravery; it requires actively challenging self-defeating limitations and demonstrating inner strength through action. Genuine power comes from accountability, which requires us to be honest with ourselves and hold ourselves to a higher standard. Make the decision to pursue your own life path and move forward boldly, rather than focusing on the opinions of others. Declaring, "I am done with this lie," does more than close a chapter; it lights the way for others, empowering them to speak up and reclaim their dignity. In doing so, we honor the legacy of those who came before us, whose courage and struggles paved the way for where we are today.

References:

• Adler, A. (1927). Understanding Human Nature. Fawcett.

• Calarco, J. M. (2020). Free Market Families: How Economics, Policy, and Institutions Shape the Lives of Families. Princeton University Press.

• Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, A. (1943). The Little Prince. Reynal & Hitchcock.

• Kegan, R. (1982). The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development. Harvard University Press.

• Kittay, E. F. (1999). Love’s Labor: Essays on Women, Equality, and Dependency. Routledge.

• Tolstoy, L. (1882). Confession. The Floating Press.

Books by Yoon Im Kane:

Women, Intersectionality and Power in Group Psychotherapy Leadership (2021)

The Mindfulness Workbook for Depression (2020)

Your Comprehensive Guide to Finding a Therapist in NYC

Living in New York City can be exhilarating and extremely satisfying; however, after the excitement of the city wears o, many people nd that keeping up with the rapid pace of productivity and socializing becomes taxing, and it's time to take extra steps to support one's mental health. Finding a therapist in NYC might seem like searching for a needle in a haystack, especially if you've already tapped your networks for referrals and come out empty-handed. The process is often more nuanced than nding a pet sitter or new hair stylist; each therapist is as dierent as the client, and if your time is limited, it can be extremely frustrating to do several consultations before nding the right t. We created this guide to simplify the process for overburdened New York City dwellers. Our mission at Mindful Psychotherapy Services is to inspire positive growth and transformation. When a therapist and client are a good t, the client can undergo profound personal growth. Finding the correct specialist can make a world of dierence to your mental health and emotional stability, helping you achieve better results, a better work-life balance, and greater resilience to stress.

Define Your Needs:
Before embarking on the search, take some time to reect on your specic needs. Are you dealing with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, or a specic trauma? Knowing what you're looking to address will help you narrow down your search and help you nd a therapist with the right expertise. Perhaps more importantly, you want to nd a therapist or private practice that resonates with your style and values. What is the therapy practices' mission, and how do they present themselves? Who are the professionals on their team? The identities and backgrounds of Mindful's clients are reected in our diverse team of therapists. We center our clients' unique backgrounds and lived experiences, creating a safe space for open discussion and guiding you toward long-term change and improved emotional well-being.

Trust Your Instincts:
Trust your gut feeling when selecting a therapist. The therapeutic relationship relies on trust and rapport, so it's okay to keep looking if you don't feel connected during the initial consultations. Your comfort and trust are critical for the therapy to be eective. At Mindful Psychotherapy Services, we oer a comprehensive intake process to ensure we match clients with a therapist who meets their needs. If we don't have a match for potential clients, we oer referrals whenever possible. We aim to help our clients feel genuinely cared for during the intake process, which increases the likelihood that you will connect with a sympathetic therapist who values and honors our path wherever you may end up.

Insurance Coverage:
Considering the nancial aspect is crucial when seeking therapy. Check with your insurance provider to understand your coverage for mental health services. Many therapists in NYC are out of network with insurance providers; this means you will pay the cost of the session directly to the therapist and pursue reimbursement from your insurance company. Consider this when selecting a therapist within your budget and exploring cost-eective therapy options. At Mindful Psychotherapy Services, we oer a sliding scale and have a range of clinicians with varying experience levels to meet the needs of all clients, regardless of budget or insurance coverage.

Online Directories and Referrals:
Several online directories, such as Psychology Today, Zocdoc, and TherapyRoute, can be valuable resources. These platforms allow you to lter therapists based on their specialties, location, and accepted insurance. Using directories can also be frustrating if they are outdated and the clinician isn’t accepting new clients. Additionally, seek recommendations from friends, family, or colleagues who may have had positive experiences with therapists in New York City.

Cultural Competence and Inclusivity:
New York City is diverse and complex, and nding a therapist who understands your background and values should be easy. Unfortunately, there are signicant gaps in care based on race and class. Consider therapists practicing with cultural humility and incorporating all racial and class concerns into their ethos. Not all therapists have experience working with diverse populations, and you can ask these questions during your initial consultation to gauge the therapist's competency. Feeling understood and respected is essential for a successful therapeutic relationship. Get curious about the clinicians working at the practices you are exploring. Does the practice reect diversity in their team? The About page of the therapy practice website tells you much about their ethos and how competent they may be in supporting diverse populations. The ethnically and racially diverse therapists who practice at Mindful are an asset to our community; we are grateful for that, and so are our clients. Your cultural, ethnic, and racial background is important to you, and we get that.

Research and Reviews:
Once you have a list of potential therapy practices, delve into their backgrounds and reviews. Websites often provide bios, education, and areas of expertise. Reviews from other clients can oer insights into a therapist's approach and eectiveness. Because of condentiality limitations, it may be hard to nd direct reviews from other clients; in this case, reaching out to local listservs, like Facebook groups or neighborhood chats, for advice may be helpful.

Initial Consultations:
Scheduling an initial consultation with therapists is crucial for assessing comfort and t. Consider the therapist's communication style and how it aligns with your needs. Ask questions about typical sessions, treatment duration, and realistic expectations for the therapeutic process. Evaluate consultations based on negative, neutral, or positive feelings. The therapist could be a bad t if you feel negative after the consultation, so keep looking. If neutral or positive, schedule an intake session. After four sessions, you can reassess if the therapist is a good t or if it's time to move on. Building the foundation for a solid therapeutic relationship takes time; staying the course and proactively communicating your needs make all the dierence.

Location and Accessibility:
Considering the sheer size of NYC, proximity to your therapist's oce is crucial. Choose a location that is convenient and easily accessible to ensure that attending weekly therapy sessions remains feasible and stress-free. At Mindful Psychotherapy Services, we oer accessible telehealth appointments, a game changer for many New Yorkers.

Conclusion:
Finding a therapist in NYC may seem daunting. Still, with careful consideration and research, you can discover a professional who aligns with your needs and tailors their approach to each client. Remember that therapy is a personal journey; the right therapist can positively impact your life and mental well-being. Take the time to nd the right t and prioritize your mental health so you can function optimally and at your peak.

Sources:
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Patient Resources Provided by Mindful Psychotherapy, a refuge for overburdened city dwellers.

Our mission is to provide a protected space of compassion, safety, and stability with the purpose of helping you lead a fuller, richer life. We oer individual, couple, family, and group psychotherapy. To inquire about our sliding scale services, please schedule a consultation. www.Mindful.nyc

The Group Podcast Ep. 28 "Women, Intersectionality, and Power In Group Leadership"

Podcast Preview: In this episode, Angelo talks with Yoon Kane and Annie Weiss who, along with Saralyn Masselink, edited and contributed chapters to “Women, Intersectionality, and Power in Group Psychotherapy Leadership” (2022, Routledge).

 Their conversation explores how this project sought to address the conspicuous void in professional literature on the complex challenges women group leaders face and how such dilemmas can be understood & skillfully addressed. Intersectionality is also discussed as an organizing principle in the book’s illuminating investigation. Finally, both Yoon’s chapter “Courage to Lead: The Shadow of Racism on Women of Color Leading Psychotherapy Groups” and Annie’s chapter “Training Elastigirl: Developing Strength and Flexibility in Female Group Psychotherapists” are talked about in depth. Check out this incredibly thought-provoking conversation today!
 

Contributors to
“Women, Intersectionality, and Power in Group Psychotherapy Leadership”
Alexandra (Sasha) Watkins
Alexis D. Abernethy
Ali Kimmell
Annie C. Weiss
Britt Raphling
Elizabeth (Libby) Shapiro and Rachel Ginzberg
Ellen L. Wright
Janice M. Morris
Jeanne Bunker
Julie Anderson
Kavita Avula
Madeline Victore Stein
Nina W. Brown
Saralyn M. Masselink
Shemika M. Brooks
Susan P. Gantt
Yesel Yoon
Yoon Im Kane