Hello again.
This will be the final installment in my blog series about cognitive distortions and codependent relationships. Those two terms are a mouthful! So for those who haven’t read the previous blogs, let’s start with some definitions.
For these blogs, I’m defining codependency as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their partner’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior.
The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self -- their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions -- is often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.
The term cognitive distortion comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or “CBT”. CBT posits that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. According to CBT theory, cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking that usually lead us to feeling bad or taking unhealthy actions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but paradigms or ways of thinking that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately.
My last two blogs examined two cognitive distortions that are commonly seen in codependent relationships: Blaming and the Control Fallacy. This time we’ll look at the Fallacy of Change.
As with the control fallacy, a person who engages in the fallacy of change unrealistically believes they have the great power to cause their partner to change – in particular, to cause their partner to change to their liking. Since the codependent thinks their happiness and wellbeing depend on their partner being and acting the way the codependent wants, they unknowingly or purposefully manipulate their partner. The codependent becomes highly invested in pressuring, tricking, or humoring their partner into doing what they desire, or being who they want them to be. And they mistakenly believe that these efforts will work! For example a woman thinks that if her husband were only more romantic she’d be happy (despite the multitude of other problems in their relationship), so she hints around about going out for a nice dinner, harps on him “you never give me any little gifts…like flowers!” or tells him directly, “I’d be happy if you were just more romantic!”
The typical example of the Fallacy of Change is the person who believes everything would be perfect if the alcoholic in their life would just stop drinking. They might hide the bottles, threaten to leave if their partner doesn’t stop drinking, or cajole them into going to an AA meeting with a promise of a nice surprise later that night. Invariably the alcoholic is immune to or actively resistant to their efforts, and the codependent is left feeling unhappy and like a failure.
You may recognize two fallacies operating here.
#1: The codependent believes they would be happy or have what they want and need if their partner would only change and be more (insert adjective) or just do (insert action).
#2: The codependent has the power -- through their various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation – to change their partner.
Neither is realistic. Both are cognitive distortions that lead the codependent, and likely their partner, to feel bad and potentially engage in unhealthy behavior.
You’ve now heard about a few cognitive distortions that codependent people tend to engage in. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these scenarios, or you think you fall into one of these “cognitive traps.” Maybe you think your partner is “making” you feel a certain way, or you blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors or feelings.
Or do you relate to the fallacy of change? Do you hold the belief that your wellbeing depends on your partner changing, and that you have the power to get them to change?
Change is definitely possible, but the person you have the power to change is the same person whose changing will make you happier. It’s you.
With a mindfulness approach to psychotherapy, you can start to be more present. You can learn to sit still long enough to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. Your therapist can help you look at those thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors that are fueled by them, and see how they might in some way be serving you or have served you in the past. You can start to identify your unrealistic, distorted ways of thinking, and look at the negative consequences they cause: unhealthy behaviors and distressing feelings. And that is the start of your process of change.
The funny thing is, you may actually experience an additional, unexpected-- yet welcome-- consequence of changing your thoughts and behaviors. When you start doing things differently, the balance in the relationship shifts. The unhealthy dynamic that perpetuated itself in the relationship is destroyed. That will likely cause a shift in the balance in the relationship, and a subsequent feeling of discomfort in your partner. In order to restore a sense of equilibrium – but this time a positive one -- your partner may end up shifting their own behaviors and attitudes. Thus a new and healthier dynamic for relating is born.
Until the next time…
Kayla