Navigating Challenging Work Environments: Thriving Amidst Adversity

Navigating the post covid professional landscape can be incredibly challenging; many people feel inner conflict around returning to work. Whether it's dealing with difficult colleagues, demanding deadlines, or a toxic corporate culture, navigating through such adversity can be a daunting task. However, with the right mindset, strategies, and support, it is possible not only to survive but to thrive at work. In this blog post, we will explore some practical approaches to help you navigate and overcome the obstacles you may encounter in your workplace.

Cultivate Self-Awareness:

The first step in navigating any challenging work environment is to develop self-awareness. Understand your strengths, weaknesses, and triggers and how your environment might influence them. Recognize how you typically respond to stress and identify any patterns or behaviors hindering your progress. By gaining this awareness, you can better manage your reactions and take proactive steps to mitigate any negative impact on your performance and well-being. If you encounter repeated challenges and issues making changes, it might be time to seek out the support of a therapist to help you get unstuck. 

Focus on Building Resilience:

Resilience is a crucial quality that will help you navigate challenging work environments. Cultivate a resilient mindset by reframing setbacks as learning opportunities and adopting a solution-oriented approach. Embrace change and view it as a chance for growth rather than a threat. Seek feedback from trusted mentors or colleagues to gain valuable insights into areas where you can improve. Developing resilience will enable you to bounce back from setbacks, adapt to new situations, and maintain a positive outlook even in the face of adversity. Having a growth mindset can make learning the goal, which frees you up from the pressure of always having to be perfect. 

Build Strong Relationships:

Establishing positive and supportive relationships within your workplace is crucial for navigating challenging environments. Cultivate professional connections by actively engaging with your colleagues, offering help when possible, and seeking their expertise when needed. Collaborating effectively with others can foster a sense of camaraderie, create a more supportive work environment, and provide a network of allies who can assist you in navigating difficult situations. If you’re struggling to find support within your workplace, it can be helpful to join an outside professional network or coaching group. 

Communicate Effectively:

Clear and open communication is vital in challenging work environments. Be assertive in expressing your thoughts, concerns, and ideas while being receptive to feedback. Practice active listening to ensure that you understand others' perspectives fully. If conflicts arise, address them promptly and professionally, seeking a resolution that benefits all parties involved. By fostering a culture of open communication, you can minimize misunderstandings and cultivate a more positive and collaborative work environment.

Seek Opportunities for Growth:

Instead of being overwhelmed by the challenges you face, view them as opportunities for growth and development. Seek out challenging assignments or projects that stretch your capabilities and help you acquire new skills. Engage in continuous learning by attending workshops and seminars or pursuing relevant certifications. Taking the initiative to expand your knowledge and skill set will not only enhance your value within the organization but also boost your confidence in dealing with challenging work situations.

Prioritize Self-Care:

Amidst the demands of a challenging work environment, it's crucial to prioritize self-care. Establish boundaries between work and personal life, allowing yourself time to recharge and pursue activities that bring you joy and relaxation—practice stress management techniques such as exercise, meditation, or engaging hobbies. By caring for your physical and mental well-being, you will be better equipped to handle the pressures of a difficult work environment and maintain a healthy work-life balance.

Conclusion:

While navigating challenging work environments can be intimidating, it is possible to thrive amidst adversity with the right mindset and strategies. By cultivating self-awareness, building resilience, fostering strong relationships, communicating effectively, seeking growth opportunities, and prioritizing self-care, you can not only survive but also excel in the face of difficult circumstances. Remember that challenges are opportunities for personal and professional growth, and with determination and perseverance, you can navigate many challenges. 

34 Self-Care Tips to do Before Bedtime

Maintaining a steady routine of self-care is important for your mental and physical health, especially during these tough times. It all starts with getting plenty of sleep. If we don’t get our recommended 7-9 hours of rest each night, it might lead to problems such as increased stress, impaired cognitive thinking, poor attitudes, and the inability to focus. 

Creating a bedtime routine and sticking to it can go a long way in helping you get a good night’s sleep, namely because it will signal your body that it’s time to rest. Having a comfortable sleep environment and taking time to relax as you get ready for bed can set the stage for restorative sleep, and can result in you feeling alert, well-rested, and ready to take on the upcoming day. 

Of course, no one bedtime routine is the same as people have different needs and preferences. While some self-care tips apply to folks of any age, such as creating a comfortable sleep environment, each age group also has tips that address their specific sleep needs. 

• Children: Children need the most amount of sleep, between 9 and 16 hours depending on age. 

• Teenagers: Without adequate sleep, teens are at increased risk of mental health problems. 

• College students: As they transition from kids to adults, college students need a good night’s rest to maintain strong mental health. 

• Adults: Getting a good night’s sleep helps promote long-lasting good physical and mental health. 

• Parents: Self-care that includes relaxation tips and stress relievers goes a long way in helping parents get restorative sleep. 

34 Self Care Tips 

This guide will review important information for each of these age groups, and provide tips on how they can achieve healthy and restorative sleep.

Children 

• Talk about their emotions. To help promote healthy sleep, it’s important for children to express their thoughts and emotions. The Washburn Center for Children in Minneapolis recommends talking with your children about their feelings on a daily basis so they see it as a normal part of their day. Ask things like, “what has been a highlight of your day and why?” or “you seem down today, what has you feeling sad?” Really listen to what they have to say, and respond thoughtfully in a way that encourages them to keep talking. 

• Try children meditation apps. Apps can be a handy tool to help calm children as they prepare for bed. For instance, “Stop, Breathe & Think” offers mindful sleep stories and meditation activities to help ease the mind. “Smiling Mind” features meditation techniques to help children sleep better, while “Sleep Meditation for Kids” provides mediation stories to help children relax. 

• Go outside. It’s no secret kids have a lot of energy, so it’s important to allow them time to expend that energy before bedtime. Let them go outside and play in the afternoon, but limit exercise within four hours of bedtime, per Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. Otherwise, they could become over-stimulated when their bodies should be winding down. 

• Limit screen time. While electronic devices have become a normal part of most kids’ lives, they should not be a part of any child’s bedtime routine. In fact, according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, screens in the bedroom are accompanied by insufficient sleep that affects 30% of toddlers, preschoolers and school-age children. Therefore, eliminating screen time at least one hour before bedtime can help set the tone for a more restful night’s sleep. 

• Set expectations. Another way to help prepare kids for a good night’s sleep is by setting expectations for bedtime. Remind them of the evening schedule, such as finishing homework after dinner followed by a bath and story time before bed. 

• Prepare for tomorrow. Encourage children to prepare for the next day by picking out their clothes for school and packing their lunch. This will help them take ownership in their daily routine. 

Teenagers

• Encourage a routine. Like younger kids, teens need a routine to help them feel settled. For instance, they have to finish their homework before playing video games, or no more electronics past a certain time. 

• Limit caffeine. Many teenagers start drinking more caffeinated beverages, such as coffee and energy drinks, which can be overstimulating for them. As such, their daily caffeine intake should be limited to one cup of coffee, one or two cups of tea, and no more than three cans of soda, per the American Academy of Pediatrics. They should not have any caffeine within an hour of bedtime. 

• Relax somewhere other than your bed. While it’s tempting to text your friends or watch TV as you lounge in your bed, this should be avoided. You want your body to recognize when it’s time to sleep, and climbing into bed should be a signal that sleep is on the way. Therefore, keep your bed as a “sleep only” spot. 

• Take a hot shower or bath. Many teens jump in the shower first thing in the morning, but research from the Cockrell School of Engineering at The University of Texas at Austin found that taking a warm bath or shower one to two hours before bedtime can significantly improve sleep. Water should be between 104 and 109 degrees Fahrenheit for the best results.

• Get regular exercise. Just as kids need exercise to expend energy and maintain good health, so do teenagers. Getting in the habit of exercising at a younger age can help ensure teens maintain this healthy routine, which will lead to better sleep. 

• Talk to them. The teen years can be extremely stressful as kids transition through young adulthood, experiencing a new range of emotions and situations. Encourage them to voice their feelings and their stressors so they won’t stay up all night thinking about them. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends teaching them assertiveness training skills so they can state their feelings in polite, firm and not overly aggressive or passive ways.  

College students

• Maintain open communication. College can be a huge transitional period for young adults, so it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Build on the talks you have had with your parents through the years, and tell them how you are feeling. Remember that discussing your feelings go a long way in helping you sleep well. 

• Create a care package for sleep. Put together a sleep kit with your favorite sleep mask, earplugs, aromatherapy scents, white noise machine or soothing music. Dig into this kit anytime you need to reset your body for a good night’s sleep. 

• Use “do not disturb” mode. Young people today are more plugged in than ever, and it’s important to unplug at least an hour before bedtime each night. Turn your phone on “do not disturb” so you can tune out your friends’ text messages or late-night notifications from your apps. 

• Set up a spa night. Stress plays a key role in disturbing your sleep, so it’s important to de-stress often. Take time to unwind with your friends by indulging in a little pampering, like applying face masks or giving one another pedicures. These are a great way to wind down and reset your body’s stress levels. 

• Plan your day. Planning out your next day’s schedule during times of busyness or stress can help you feel in control of what you need to do. Amherst College suggests planning out your day by writing down what you have to do with deadlines so you have a handle on what needs to be accomplished when. 

• Try journaling. Writing down your feelings goes a long way in helping you process and sort through what you are experiencing. For instance, writing out a frustrating situation or something you’re stressed about and then destroying that piece of paper can help you let go of the negativity you feel about it. 

Adults

• Set aside time for a bedtime routine. It’s easy to feel too busy for a bedtime routine, and, instead, just fall into bed when you’re exhausted. However, bedtime routines are essential for good sleep, so, if necessary, build it into your schedule. Don’t be afraid to set a reminder of when to start your bedtime routine, so your body will know it’s time to start winding down. 

• Substitute your nighttime wine for tea. Although wine could help you feel sleepy, it may actually disrupt a good night’s sleep. Trade it out for a caffeine-free tea that promotes sleep. A few good choices include: 

• Chamomile

• Lavender

• Lemon balm

• Yogi Bedtime Tea 

• Practice good skin care. While removing your makeup and applying moisturizer is a great way to maintain healthy skin, it also can help your body relax as part of your bedtime routine. It’s one more signal to your body that rest is on the way. 

• Meditate. Meditating before bedtime helps you achieve a sense of inner calm that can lead to more restful sleep. It also can help reduce cortisol, the hormone associated with stress. To help you implement meditation in your bedtime routine, you can try a meditation app such as:

• Calm

• Buddhify

• 10% Happier 

• Simple Habit 

• Read a book. It’s often said you can get lost in a good book. By doing so, you escape the stress of everyday life. In fact, according to the University of Minnesota, reading can relax your body by lowering your heart rate and easing the tension in your muscles. Per a 2009 University of Sussex study, reading also can reduce stress by up to 68% and works faster than drinking hot tea or listening to music. 

• Set goals. Listing your goals for the next day, whether personal or work, sets the stage for a productive day. Write out at least three goals, but make sure they are realistic so you aren’t stressed about getting them done. 

• Get out of the house. When you’ve been home for long periods of time, the stress can accumulate and start to feel overwhelming. Therefore, it’s important to get out of the house and enjoy a change of scenery before you start your bedtime routine. Take a walk around the block, spend a few minutes in the backyard swing or play with the dog. 

Parents 

Raising kids can take a toll on parents if they don’t make time for themselves. Include one or more of these self-care tips in your bedtime routine to promote better sleep. 

• Try aromatherapy. The essential oils used in aromatherapy have been shown to help reduce anxiety and promote calm. Using sleep masks and pillows infused with scents such as lavender, chamomile or jasmine can help you relax, per the Mayo Clinic. 

• Write down wins and struggles. Expressing your achievements and difficulties in writing helps you sort through and process your thoughts and emotions, which can reduce stress. 

• Shower in low lighting. Taking a warm shower before bed can promote relaxation throughout your body. Turning the lights down can further aid this relaxation. 

• Indulge in adult coloring books or puzzles. According to the Cleveland Clinic, spending time coloring relaxes the brain, diverts attention from your worries and increases pleasure, all of which reduce stress. Focusing on an adult puzzle can also help clear the mind. 

• Get intimate (singles and couples). A healthy sex life promotes good health from lower blood pressure to decreased anxiety to, yes, better sleep. Even individuals can benefit from self-intimacy. 

• Enjoy a massage (self massage or couples). Massages have been shown to reduce fatigue and improve sleep because it relaxes the muscles and calms the brain. It also improves blood flow, reduces stress and boosts serotonin, which promotes sleep. 

• Listen to audio therapy. Although loud noises like listening to the TV are not conducive to a good night’s sleep, listening to soothing music or a white noise machine can relax your mind and promote sleepiness. Incorporate this technique into your bedtime routine by turning on the music or white noise 30 to 45 minutes before you want to fall asleep. 

• Look at old photo albums of good memories. To reduce anxiety and refocus your mind, take a stroll down memory lane by looking at photos of favorite vacations, special occasions and fun moments throughout the years. The emotions of these memories will boost your body’s dopamine production, which makes you feel good and more relaxed. 

• Journal with your spouse. Just as writing down your own thoughts and feelings can help you process your emotions, journaling with your spouse can help you work through problems together, reaffirm your love for one another, and lead to deeper intimacy. These processes can reduce stress and improve your sleep. 

• Incorporating self-care into your bedtime routine will go a long way in improving your sleep as well as your overall health. In our busy world, that can be difficult, so it’s imperative that you make time for a consistent bedtime routine every day. 

The original post of this article can be found at Slumber Yard

To Date or Not to Date?

I recently wrote a piece for Psychology Today on dating during COVID-19. I provided four questions to ask yourself to figure out your boundaries around dating during a global pandemic—starting with the question of whether or not you should be dating at all. 

While many outlets are trying to untangle guidelines around safely getting to know new people—from video dates to socially distanced meetings—it’s important to start with this question. Dating during a pandemic can raise the stakes and make dating feel more intense. Just one reason is that many new partners are becoming monogamous immediately to lower risks of transmission. Some people may like the new focus and clarity. Simultaneously, negative outcomes like ghosting can feel more hurtful when we’re spending most of our time at home near our phones, unable to seek as much in-person support or distraction as we normally would. 

Whether or not you decide to date, it’s important to focus on grounding yourself and taking care of yourself on a daily basis. Grounding may look like meditation, yoga, journaling, or speaking with friends who make you feel supported and confident. Taking care of yourself means both focusing on physical care (getting enough sleep, exercising, eating healthily), and finding pleasure in whatever forms work for you (taking nature walks, watching horror movies, making art). With self-care as your primary goal, you’ll be more likely to handle whatever emotions come your way in dating or not-dating.

Image Source: Glen Anthony on Unsplash

The Value in Naming the Pandemic as a Global Trauma

Are you feeling tired yet restless? Having difficulty paying attention but, at the same time, hyper-focused? Maybe you're finding yourself distracted from work but consumed by social media--endlessly scrolling through your various news feeds. Or, perhaps you're having trouble sitting still. You may find yourself beginning a task only to interrupt yourself a few minutes later--realizing you have to take out the trash, do the dishes, or pay the cable bill.

If this sounds like you, you may be struggling with a trauma response known as hyper-vigilance: a state of alertness and sensitivity to your surroundings.

For many of us, quarantine, coupled with recent political events, has left us with feelings of fear, uncertainty, and anger. People usually assume that for something to be traumatic, it needs to be an event that was "objectively" horrific. But, the thing is that there all types of different types of traumas--because trauma is an event that is relative to the individual. Meaning, it's a composite experience of the event, your perception of the event, and how your body responds. Something traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another. For many of us, COVID-19 and it's subsequent safety precautions have been stressful and prolonged. Limiting our reliance on our typical coping strategies (hanging out with friends, going for walks, etc.) and depleting the coping methods we've been using (anyone else tired of ZOOM hangouts?).

Many in the field of mental health are recognizing that the pandemic is a global trauma.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself: it doesn't matter if we're in a "global trauma" I still have work to do and a life to live--what's the value in naming it a trauma?

Dr. Spiegel is most known for his integration of Eastern practices with western neuroscience, and he answers that wonderfully-- You've got to name it to tame it!

Now, that's not to say you're going to "tame the pandemic." But you may be able to understand your emotional and physical reactions to the pandemic by acknowledging it as a type of trauma.

Hear me out, for centuries, Eastern civilizations have practiced meditation a mind-body practice that promotes mindfulness (for more on this check out my previous post on Mindfulness, Psychotherapy & Your Brain). There are many different ways to meditate formally, but usually, most people start by learning how to slow down their thoughts and focus on their breath. When their mind begins to wander, as the mind often does, they are instructed to focus back on their breath. Over time, people become more aware, more quickly, when their mind begins to wander, and it becomes easier to focus on their breath, which subsequently helps relax their body.

For many of us, it is harder to focus on our breath when we're having a hard time emotionally. One of the ways we can re-focus our attention is by acknowledging we're having a hard time. That is, notice our mind is wandering and without judgment, label what we're experiencing.

As an example, while meditating, I often get distracted by thoughts about what I need to get done before the end of the day. For me, these thoughts are usually due to feeling anxious. When I notice that I'm getting caught up in thoughts about the future, I will often label my experience by thinking to myself, "I'm having a lot of thoughts about what needs to get done." Or, I'll notice, "I'm feeling anxious about all that needs to get done." Then, I will re-focus my attention on my breath. It takes a few rounds of noticing my thoughts and feelings, settling back on my breath before I begin to feel something different.

When we recognize that the pandemic is a type of trauma affecting all of us, it allows us to better understand our emotional and physical reactions. There's a lot of hype right now in using quarantine as a time for self-improvement. But many of us are just trying to get by and get through. When we recognize that our difficulties may be due to abnormal circumstances, like a global trauma, it can be easier to be kinder to ourselves (and others!).

Next time, we'll talk about the importance of self-compassion during a pandemic.

Guiding Your Child Through the Coronavirus

Children always see, hear, and pick up on more than parents think. It’s likely that they have noticed people out in public with protective masks, heard pieces of adult conversations, or have talked about it with friends. 

Children are not immune to feelings of fear, worry, or anxiety. Here are 6 ways to guide your child through the outbreak: 

1. Take care of yourself 

In order to help your child regulate their emotions and anxieties, as parents, you have to manage your own first. Your child is likely very aware of your emotional state and will be able to pick up on your feelings of fear and worry. 

Before talking to them, take some time to notice your own feelings and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  You can check out my last blog post [link to above article] to learn more about how to manage feelings of anxiety.

2. Provide age-appropriate information

There is a wealth of misinformation on the coronavirus. It’s important to be a reliable source for your child(ren), while also filtering out unnecessary details and delivering only what’s pertinent for their age. 

Generally speaking, it’s helpful to frame the coronavirus within a context that is already known to them, such as having a cold or the flu. 

3. Validate your child’s fears 

If your child expresses feelings of fear or anxiety, take a moment to notice your own reactions. Many parent’s attempts to reassure their children often end up invalidating how they are feeling. Instead of telling your child “everything will be ok” try saying something like, “I can see why you are feeling this way.”

4. Let your child know who’s protecting them

Letting your child know that they are loved and that as a parent you won’t let anything happen to them adds a layer of protection. Another can be added by letting them know that doctors and scientists are working to keep them safe as well. 

For older children, letting them know that as a parent you are a shield of protection against the coronavirus may not be enough. Empower them by collaborating on a “family game plan”, which is yet another way of opening up a dialogue. By listening to their ideas, you can learn more about their fears and attend to them as needed.

5. Stay on schedule

Maintaining routines is an important part of helping children to feel safe. They feel safe within structure, and notice when schedules are changed or not followed. As time goes on, some of this may be outside of your control as a parent, with closures of schools and other public spaces being a real possibility. 

Should this happen, keep as many structures in place as possible, and help children to highlight what does remain the same: “We didn’t go to school today, but we still brushed our teeth when we woke up and will brush our teeth before we go to bed.” 

These changes in routine can also be framed as exciting rather than scary, with potentially more time to be spent with family, playing, watching tv, doing crafts, or reading. 

6. Talking to them about hygiene 

Even if your child is too young to know about germs, it’s never too soon to talk to them about hand-washing.  Framing hand-washing and other hygienic behaviors in the context of “virus-stopping powers” can help children to feel more empowered and secure. 

For younger children, this can be made into a game, by measuring how long they wash their hands through singing songs such as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and “Happy Birthday”, or seeing who can wash their hands the longest. With children who know about germs, learning how to cough into their elbows and not touching their faces is just as important.  

In times like these, it can be easy to get caught up in our fears and worries. Remember, the best thing we can do as parents is take care of ourselves. Don’t forget to be gentle with yourself and your children.

Coronavirus: Managing Fears and Anxieties

Over the past weeks, coronavirus (COVID-19) has spread worldwide. With more outbreaks being reported each day and conflicting information getting shared around the clock, it can feel harder than usual to stay calm. 

With so much still unknown about the coronavirus, you may be feeling more fear and anxiety than normal. Feelings of fear and anxiety can feel unmanageable as they feed off of the unseeable and unknowable. 

Here are some ways to manage feelings of fear and anxiety brought on by the coronavirus:

1. Seek out reliable information

Anxiety is an emotion that wants to plan and protect. It feeds off of information, and when it’s fed information that is wrong,  it goes into a five-alarm alert, setting off fight-or-flight responses.

To help manage your anxiety, check for updates by reputable health organizations such as the Center for Disease Control (CDC) or the World Health Organization (WHO). 

2. Pay attention to how your feeling

Feelings of anxiety are normal and to be expected given the circumstances. Ignoring the anxiety will only make it grow louder in order to gain your attention. Paradoxically, only focusing on your anxiety can make things seem worse than they are.

Mindfulness can be a great tool to help you notice what you’re feeling, allow yourself to acknowledge the feeling without judgment, and continue on with what you were doing. 

3. Identify other factors that may be influencing your anxiety

While there are valid reasons to feel anxious, there may be more happening beneath the surface. Get curious about your anxiety, and consider what other aspects you are responding to, especially if you are aware of heightened sensitivities to germs, death from illnesses, or hospitals. 

4. Controlling what is controllable

There are plenty of things we have no control over. There are also a lot of things we do have control over. Consider engaging in habits  that you do have control over, such as: hand washing, disinfecting household or workspace surfaces, and traveling with hand sanitizer. 

5. Take a break from the news and social media

More information is not always what will help us feel safer. It can be easy to get pulled into echo-chambers of anxiety and fear when we’re constantly plugged in to the latest updates. Mindfulness can help us understand why we’re checking the news and how it serves us. 

6. Grounding activities

It can be easy to get caught up in our worries about what might happen. Grounding yourself in the present moment can be done wherever, whenever. You can mindfully take a walk, wash dishes, or cook dinner all by noticing what you see, feel, and hear right here, right now.

You can also try, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique works by noticing and taking in the details of your surroundings using each of your senses: 

What are 5 things you can see? 

What are 4 things you can touch? 

What are 3 things you can hear? 

What are 2 things you can smell? 

What is 1 thing you can taste? 

Part of a disease's impact is psychological in nature. As humans, we tend to respond to information emotionally. This can include feelings of anxiety, hyper-vigilance, catastrophizing, and helplessness. Mindfulness can be a helpful tool to help us notice our fear, acknowledge it without judgment, and respond proportionally.

Next time, we’ll talk about how to support your child during this global health crisis.  

Codependency: Do You Think You’ll Be Happy If They Change?

Hello again. 

This will be the final installment in my blog series about cognitive distortions and codependent relationships. Those two terms are a mouthful! So for those who haven’t read the previous blogs, let’s start with some definitions.

For these blogs, I’m defining codependency as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their partner’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self -- their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions -- is often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or “CBT”. CBT posits that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. According to CBT theory, cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking that usually lead us to feeling bad or taking unhealthy actions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but paradigms or ways of thinking that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately.

My last two blogs examined two cognitive distortions that are commonly seen in codependent relationships: Blaming and the Control Fallacy. This time we’ll look at the Fallacy of Change.

As with the control fallacy, a person who engages in the fallacy of change unrealistically believes they have the great power to cause their partner to change – in particular, to cause their partner to change to their liking. Since the codependent thinks their happiness and wellbeing depend on their partner being and acting the way the codependent wants, they unknowingly or purposefully manipulate their partner. The codependent becomes highly invested in pressuring, tricking, or humoring their partner into doing what they desire, or being who they want them to be. And they mistakenly believe that these efforts will work! For example a woman thinks that if her husband were only more romantic she’d be happy (despite the multitude of other problems in their relationship), so she hints around about going out for a nice dinner, harps on him “you never give me any little gifts…like flowers!” or tells him directly, “I’d be happy if you were just more romantic!”

The typical example of the Fallacy of Change is the person who believes everything would be perfect if the alcoholic in their life would just stop drinking. They might hide the bottles, threaten to leave if their partner doesn’t stop drinking, or cajole them into going to an AA meeting with a promise of a nice surprise later that night. Invariably the alcoholic is immune to or actively resistant to their efforts, and the codependent is left feeling unhappy and like a failure.

You may recognize two fallacies operating here. 

#1: The codependent believes they would be happy or have what they want and need if their partner would only change and be more (insert adjective) or just do (insert action). 

#2: The codependent has the power -- through their various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation – to change their partner. 

Neither is realistic. Both are cognitive distortions that lead the codependent, and likely their partner, to feel bad and potentially engage in unhealthy behavior.

You’ve now heard about a few cognitive distortions that codependent people tend to engage in. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these scenarios, or you think you fall into one of these “cognitive traps.”  Maybe you think your partner is “making” you feel a certain way, or you blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors or feelings. 

Or do you relate to the fallacy of change? Do you hold the belief that your wellbeing depends on your partner changing, and that you have the power to get them to change? 

Change is definitely possible, but the person you have the power to change is the same person whose changing will make you happier. It’s you.

With a mindfulness approach to psychotherapy, you can start to be more present. You can learn to sit still long enough to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. Your therapist can help you look at those thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors that are fueled by them, and see how they might in some way be serving you or have served you in the past. You can start to identify your unrealistic, distorted ways of thinking, and look at the negative consequences they cause: unhealthy behaviors and distressing feelings. And that is the start of your process of change. 

The funny thing is, you may actually experience an additional, unexpected-- yet welcome-- consequence of changing your thoughts and behaviors. When you start doing things differently, the balance in the relationship shifts. The unhealthy dynamic that perpetuated itself in the relationship is destroyed. That will likely cause a shift in the balance in the relationship, and a subsequent feeling of discomfort in your partner. In order to restore a sense of equilibrium – but this time a positive one -- your partner may end up shifting their own behaviors and attitudes. Thus a new and healthier dynamic for relating is born.

Until the next time…

Kayla

Setting Mindful Intentions

Recently I was asked to interview for Pilates Style magazine on creating and maintaining New Year resolutions. In the article, I offered three stages of applying mindfulness to succeed and sustain your aspirations for the new year. The three stages are:

1. Setting Mindful Intentions

2. Putting It Into Practice

3. Maintaining Intentions

Setting Mindful Intentions:

An important first step in setting mindful intentions is to decide how you achieve your goal. One way to adopt and preserve your New Year's intentions is a concept I will highlight called harm reduction. Harm reduction is taking simple yet measurable steps towards a larger goal. 

Why is harm reduction important in setting intentions? Researchers found that people are more likely to succeed when they are rewarded for the small wins along the way. According to a study conducted by Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer, “When we think about progress, we often imagine how good it feels to achieve a long-term goal or experience a major breakthrough. These big wins are great—but they are relatively rare. The good news is that even small wins can boost inner work life tremendously” (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).

I will use a case example of a client named John to help further illustrate mindful intentions through harm reduction.

Putting It Into Practice:

John is a 25-year-old recent college graduate in finance who has been smoking half a pack of cigarettes every day since he was 14 years old. Over the course of several months in therapy, John and I implemented a harm reduction technique to slowly decrease John’s smoking habit. Rather than smoking half a pack, he started to smoke one less cigarette every day for one month. In the subsequent month, John reduced his intake even more by smoking two less cigarettes a day. He continued to reduce the daily number of cigarettes each month in small, manageable increments. 

John was able to identify work stress as his primary trigger. In therapy, we worked together to develop a toolkit of mindfulness technique, such as body scanning, diaphragmatic breathing (breathing from the abdomen instead of the chest) and waiting 10 minutes before picking up his next cigarette. By combining mindfulness and harm reduction techniques,  John was eventually smoking only one cigarette per day, a dramatic change from his daily half a pack habit. 

Maintaining Intentions:

Now that I covered the first two stages, let’s talk about the third and most important stage: maintenance. Accountability is important for maintaining new habits because we all have blind spots. In the mental health industry, we call them cognitive distortions. Some examples are denial, minimizing, and all-or-nothing thinking. By setting mindful intentions and engaging in harm reduction techniques, you can shift out of the all-or-nothing mindset of “I am a failure because I fell off the wagon” to a healthier and more sustainable narrative such as “I can take this one step at a time, be patient, and not judge my progress.”

The reality is, the three stages of Intention Setting, Putting It Into Practice, and Maintenance is challenging for all of us. But, by seeking support, practicing harm reduction, and implementing mindfulness skills, we can take manageable steps towards a happier, healthier year. 

What is binge eating?

I notice people respond with confusion and skepticism when I explain my specialty as a therapist who treats Binge eating disorder. They ask "What's the difference between eating too much and binge eating?"

All types of binging are ways to deal with negative emotions in unhealthy, self-defeating ways. When someone feels a need to binge in private, or schedule binges instead of work and being with friends, it's time to re-assess.A binge disorder characterized by feelings of helplessness, secrecy, shame and social isolation. Binge eating is a very common eating disorder in adults. It's in the category under compulsive disorders. It's a problem that can manifest with food, alcohol, relationships, work and shopping.

Treatment starts with accepting that binge eating is a problem. Many experts agree that lack of mindfulness (paying attention to the present moment) is closely linked to compulsive behavior. There are ways to treat binge eating disorder, such as mindfulness meditation and journaling. Getting in the habit of pausing and waiting 5-10 minutes to acknowledge feelings or thoughts is a good way to slow down the impulse to act. Ask yourself when you feel the urgency to binge:

1. Is this really what I NEED?

2. Is this HELPFUL?

3. Am I being KIND to myself?

4. If I didn't do this, what would I be FEELING?

Binge eating can also be a coping mechanism for depression or other mood related problems. Remember, it's not necessary to suffer alone. If bingeing is continuously, negatively impacting your life, therapy should be the first step in taking care of yourself.