Women Sex + Power Training Group at the 75th Annual AGPA Conference in NYC

Yoon Kane, CEO of everbliss, founder and director of Mindful.NYC presented at the 75th Annual American Group Psychotherapy Association conference in NYC. Yoon's Women, Sex +Power event was a full house. Yoon will be presenting Race, Sex + Power at the Carolinas Group Psychotherapy Society May weekend conference. Stay Tuned!

Making the Most of Your Staycation: Practice Self-Care

Most New Yorkers I know are so caught up in their hectic Big Apple lives that they don’t have time to enjoy all the city has to offer. The solution? A “staycation.” It sounds great, but for some, staying at home with no structure can be confusing…even anxiety provoking!

There’s the paralysis that can come from having too many options, the concern that you’ll waste your time off by not doing anything out of the box, and the ungrounded feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself when you wake up to an empty schedule. How can you minimize these difficulties and maximize the chances of spending an amazing time on vacation at home? Practice Self-care.

Keep some routines but be flexible – Routines can be grounding and reassuring or they can feel like a prison. Why not hold onto the helpful ones and tweak them to be even more nourishing and to help you feel like it’s a real vacation? 

For example: set your alarm so you feel you have a full day ahead of you, but set it for an hour later than usual. Have your morning coffee and peruse the paper, but instead of gulping it down and skimming the paper, take time to savor your coffee and enjoy a couple of articles in entirety. If you have a morning spiritual ritual, keep it up…but take your time with it so you can feel even more centered and ready to live your day fully.   

Easy does it -- Sure, you’d like to catch up with every friend, see every exhibit you’ve missed, try every new restaurant. But sometimes the pressure to do everything you don’t ordinarily get to do can feel overwhelming, even paralyzing. Let yourself off the hook! Accept that you can’t do everything and reassure yourself that whatever you choose will be just what you were supposed to be doing. Then try to stay really present for what you choose. If your thoughts start to wander to all the other alternatives you are missing, gently guide yourself back to the present and focus on what is before you.

Know your limits – While we’re talking about “easy does it”, in your desire not to waste a second of your time off, you may end up packing your time so tightly you have no room to breathe. Try adjusting your attitude from quantity to quality. We can all benefit from a little quiet time in our day/week, so give yourself that gift. Chances are you will savor the next event even more.

Breathe  – Does the prospect of an empty calendar make you feel a little racy or anxious? Taking five really deep belly breaths can make a huge difference. Try to inhale by filling your belly with air, not by moving your ribcage and shoulders up and down. Focus on the breath coming in and going out – count slowly to five when you inhale and fill your belly with air, and slowly to five when you exhale and push the air out of your belly.

Slow down – If you do end up with a packed day, try to find five minutes to meditate in a quiet place…or even a noisy one! Do it in the morning to set yourself up for the day – or at between events to refresh and reset yourself for the next plan.  Just sit or stand, close your eyes, breath slowly, and empty your mind of the “to dos” and the “what’s nexts”. Focus on one thing (e.g. your breath, a peaceful image…) so you can begin your next adventure from a calmer place. 

Exercise – Physical activity is a great stress reducer. If you’re not a gym rat, take a brisk walk, climb some stairs, put on fun music and dance around the house. It doesn’t have to be “the usual” (boring?) exercise regime, but staying physically active is a great way to help you stay grounded in your body, and in your mind.

“Nourish” yourself – It’s very common to let go of healthy eating habits when you’re on vacation. Here’s a great place to maintain some healthy routines, but to tweak them so you don’t feel constrained. Maybe it’s simply sticking to three meals a day – whatever those may be -- so you don’t feel overly full or out of control from noshing all day. Maybe you’ll keep your breakfast and lunch simple and routine, and splurge on dinners. Or maybe you’ll try to basically eat healthfully so you feel alive and alert, but you’ll jazz up your meals with some “sexy foods” to make them more special.

By keeping these tips in mind, you can make the most of your staycation. My guess is that’ll you enjoy it even more by staying balanced and grounded, present for all that you do.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate

20th Annual Wall Street Project Economic Summit - Healthcare and Technology

When we talk about healthcare, rather than focus on cost and disease, we need to target prevention. I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone here when I say to you that a healthy body is directly correlated to healthy behaviors which is strongly influenced by the communities we connect with.

The quality of our connections has tremendous impact on our physical and mental health, and like it our not, technology has changed the way we relate to one another. There are approximately 7 billion users on the internet now. In this moment, more than half of you, through the next 5-15 minutes of this talk, will notice yourself drifting in and out. You will find yourself mindlessly reaching for your mobile device to check your email or your Facebook feed.

Yoon Kane, Founder and Director of Mindful.NYC and CEO of everbliss, Inc. presenting at the Wall Street Economic Summit with Dr. Arnold, Director of BCBS & Dr. Rivlin, Former Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget

With a click, we escape disconnection and isolation and connect with like-minded individuals and online communities on any subject we want. The source of power is the promise of instant gratification and connectivity. There are downsides to this, and we can lament about the evils of the internet, but it’s just a tool. Like any tool, it can be used for constructive or destructive means. A useful questions ask ourselves as leaders and advocates of affordable healthcare is how can we target and mine online communities for for positive change?

The current healthcare system is difficult to sustain, it can’t provide services because of limited funding and other complications. Majority of my practice consists of out-of-pocket paying clients, and not by choice. I get hundreds of inquiries looking for in-network providers and most of the insurance plans limit sessions to 12-20 visits.

Mental health continues to be a huge untapped market burdened with limitations and stigma:

-An estimated 61.5 million Americans aged 18 and older experience some form of mental illness in a given year (NIMH)

-Around 9.2 million adults have co-occuring mental health and addiction disorders (Center for Behavioral Health statistics and Quality 2012)

-About 50% of adolescents aged 13-18 have experienced at least one mental disorder in their lifetime (Merikangas et al, 2010)

The internet has already found solutions to the problem in mental health. Online communities for mental health care already exist. For example: Talkspace, 7 cups of tea, my company, everbliss to name a few. These platforms are all geared toward motivating  people to talk about their problems in a safe digital space.

These online mental  health Communities have replaced clergy, family and community centers. The space we share & join others going through similar issues is now virtual. There are many reason why people, especially young people are flocking to online communities. Millennials are primed from childhood and habituated into relating online from the start. Habit is a powerful behavioral phenomena. Additionally, virtual platforms target the main three factors of motivation:  Autonomy, mastery and social support. 

Individuals become healthier when they are given the choices and provided opportunities to experience success. They are more likely to engage in successful behaviors when they are socially acknowledged and supported by their peers. Basically, we need other people in order to live well. These online communities have tapped into a gold mine by addressing the three tenets of motivation.

Outside of the virtual world, my physical practice has also evolved due to the influence and innovations in technology. I work more over the internet, using video conferencing and email. My associates  and I text and conduct video meetings. In today’s fast -paced world, we rarely need to make physical contact to run a business.

This poses new challenges for negotiating boundaries around social media with my clients: Should I accept the Linked in request? What about a snapchat? How do I make these boundaries therapeutic? Should I have email office hours? Am I providing a disservice to this client by seeing her on video sessions instead of in person? These are common dilemmas for healthcare providers using technology. There are also real limitations - one main issue being that technology is ever evolving and moving so fast, it’s hard for our working models to keep up. 

Ever since email arrived into our lives, it’s has forever changed our perspective on how we manage our most valued resource- Time. We don’t wait for anything anymore. We have outsourced everything.  Technology tells us when it’s our friends birthday, where they're going on vacation, what they are reading, who is available to date, how much we are sleeping and how many steps we are taking.

The real questions is — how are these tools helping society become healthier? are these solutions helping us use healthcare more effectively? In my opinion, there's a potential for us to drown in pool of information overflow. Because of the comfortable solutions provided by innovation, we’ve become passive and disempowered in our ability to influence it. What would happen if we were to wake up and use these tools to become actively engaged with others? At the end of the day, how does counting your steps actually help you become a healthier person? 

What continues to be missing in mainstream healthcare now starting to benefit from tech is personalization and reliability. I grew up in a southern town with immigrant parents who did not speak english very well. They had a huge distrust for what they saw as the “white system” so they just didn’t go to doctors appointments. Thank goodness we didn’t have big medical issues, but it would’ve helped to get vaccines, some antibiotics, and regular check ups. Those were the painful days before internet reviews, online forums and google translation. Now, my parents are always on their iPads. It has replaced me as their new translator for all their medical appointments and source of entertainment and connection. I can't get them away from it. 

The marriage between healthcare and technology is the meeting point for the birth of opportunity. Technology is not a silver bullet but it’s a big step in the right direction. The exciting part is that it really does solve few of the biggest problems in healthcare. To summarize, Here are 3 main benefits:

Cost: With modern day tech, we can provide services in a safe and secure way with minimal overhead, so practitioners can provide reasonable services at reasonable fees.

Access: Mental and physical care is difficult for people who live remotely or don't have access to transportation or their job simply doesn’t allow them to take the time off.

Accountability: Less cancellations due to transportation, weather and sickness. Better quality of service that can be tracked by data for measurable outcomes and success rates. 

We are at a very uncertain time in our healthcare system. Our minds and bodies, our relationships and the community we connect with are the most powerful source of change. Each of us have, in our hands, the tool to build a healthier and brighter future.

Bonding moment with @RevJJackson @WallStreetProj while presenting on evolution of healthcare at the 20th Annual Wall Street Summit

How to Mindfully Fire Toxic Friends and Loved Ones: A Shrink’s Guide to Setting Boundaries

As a Manhattan-based psychotherapist working with a high functioning adult population, I am always surprised to encounter a repetitive theme in my office. People no matter how smart, successful and savvy, find it impossible to break up with their toxic jobs, relationships, and friends. Clients repeatedly walk into my practice frustrated with their life-draining, dysfunctional relationships or jobs.

Post Election COGPS 2016 Presentation on Women, Sex + Power

On November 13th, I was invited to Colorado to present to a training group of therapists at the COGPS annual conference at the University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus. The topic was Women, Sex + Power. It was within days after the 2016 election. I was uncertain about what to expect from the audience given the tense political climate. I was blown away by the level of honesty, intelligence and courage demonstrated by the participants. The synergy of openness and reflective insight inspired and re-energized my belief in the healing power of group. 

How to handle anger

We all experience anger. Anger is an important emotion to learn to understand. Yoon Kane, a Yale-trained psychotherapist and founder of Mindful Psychotherapy, offers useful tips on how to better handle your anger and use it constructively.

Three key ingredients of an apology

Why is it so hard to just forgive and forget? According to Psychotherapist Yoon Kane, there are 3 essential ingredients of an apology.

Are You Work-life Balanced?

Having a work life balance is all abuzz these days. Juggling the demands of everyday life can sometimes feel overwhelming. Work-life balance begins from a look within. It is the art of living flexibly. Work-life flexibility is a skill we can all learn to develop. Yoon Kane, a Yale-trained psychotherapist and founder of Mindful Psychotherapy talks about the importance of living a balanced lifestyle.

How to be a badass in life

I recently posted a picture of myself to announce my new business and website. It wasn't the typical therapy photo of a thoughtful pose, in a non-threatening office, with my head slightly cocked in an ”I’m here to listen and not judge" angle. It was a full body shot of me in my usual sheath dress work attire, hips swayed to one side, with the gritty streets of manhattan as the backdrop. There was nothing therapeutic about the image. I chose this photo because it represents who I am today: A strong, confident woman, comfortable with myself. There was a time in my life I wouldn't have posted a picture like this in a million years. I spent most of my life trying to avoid the limelight by hiding in my therapy office humbly offering my over-educated and well-analyzed interpretation of the world. 

I don't recall a pivotal moment when my perspective shifted. There wasn't a big "aha!" lightbulb switch that made it all make sense. Reflecting back, it was a process that unfolded over time. It took lot of hard work and self discovery to get to where I am today, to feel comfortable in my body and own my power not only as a successful woman but a successful asian woman. Growing up in a small southern town, I didn’t have many positive role models who helped to shape my view of myself as a unique individual, perfect and good exactly as I am. From a child/teen point of view, I was the ugly duckling that looked nothing like the bevy of swans I was surrounded by. I struggled with an unrealistic view of what I looked like and did not want to accept the fact that I was looked physically different from my peers. I searched in magazines, TV, school. Nothing. I felt alone with my struggles and failures at trying to fit in and realized my attempts only further disconnected me from my true self. By caring too much about fitting in and pleasing others instead myself, I spent most of my energy worrying instead of doing. It was only later in life, through good friendships, mentors and therapy groups, I was exposed to women and men who clearly took the steps to find their inner badasses and generously shared their vulnerabilities with me. In turn, I took the risk of opening up about my own struggles, and finally found connection with people whom I could trust and relate to. 

Many mistakenly believe that body image issues are only weight related. Body image is about to how people see themselves. Distorted body image is an unrealistic view of how you see your physical body. Like eating disorders, it is seen most commonly in women, but it's important to know that many men also suffer from the disorder. The way you begin forming your perceptions of your body’s attractiveness, acceptability and functionality starts in early childhood. Body image issues stems from the messages we receive from the outside about how we “should” or “should not” look. In my therapy practice, I’ve treated the most beautiful and successful men and women debilitated from body image issues. It’s about time we break the silence and begin facing our fears, taking ownership of what makes us unique, and bring out the inner badass in all of us. 

The most important aspect to remember about being a badass is to accept all parts of yourself. If you feel good about something (your athleticism, writing, art) take the risk of putting yourself out there and allow the opinions, envy, aggression, judgement of others to pass through you like a light spring shower on a sunny day. Remember, to be a BA, you need to consider the following:

1. What other people think of you and say about you is really none of your business. 
2. Everyone will have something negative to say unless they've done the work of owning their inner badasses.
3. The true BA will be too busy living life and getting things done. Besides, people's reactions say more about themselves than about you.
4. If you want good feedback, surround yourself with people you truly respect, the BAs in your life who have your back. Join a group. Groups can be a powerful tool to help you test out new boundaries and learn to accept all aspects of yourself and others. 

The true badass knows that at the end of the day, you can’t expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself first.

Photo Credit: Romer Pedron Photography

How to spot toxic & abusive people

My expertise in handling emotionally and physically toxic, manipulative people started as a psychotherapist evaluating, testifying, and treating sex offenders and their victims. The most extreme case was when I was asked by the FBI to testify as an expert witness in federal court on behalf of a child victim of sexual abuse by a high profile government official. I had to convince the grand jury and educate them about patterns of abuse and the impact of trauma on  victims. I find it helpful to explain the stages of abuse because most people don't recognize the subtleties of abusive behavior - like a frog in slow boiling water - by the time they realize it, it's too late. You can read hundreds of books, but nothing beats gut instinct and experience. Here are the three pronged stages of the abuse cycle:

The set up:

The abuser typically presents as a normal person with a lot of shine: charming, helpful and flattering. You immediately feel "special."  Ask yourself, how does this person who doesn't know you make you feel this good about yourself? If it doesn't make logical sense, its a red flag. The set up stage is when abusers "test" your boundaries to see how vulnerable you are to their tactics. They will do things intentionally to hurt you then ask for your forgiveness. If you buy into it, they'll keep doing more and raising the ante.

Maintenance:

Once they have you hooked,  a set of patterns are introduced to condition you into a repetitive cycle. Their over reactions and under reactions are set up to condition your behaviors. You have become their narcissistic  supply. They will make sure your routines and schedules line up with their agenda. The temper tantrums and cold shoulder is a calculated attempt to control your routines. The nonsensical over reactions and fights have the intention of always keeping you destabilized so they have the upper hand.

Isolation:

This is a strategy to make sure you don't have friends or family who will raise concerns. At this stage, you'll begin to wonder why you feel so depressed and unhappy. The abuser has isolated you to the point you don't have friends who you can confide in to discuss your fears. Additionally, they will have brainwashed you into thinking everything is your fault and guilted you into staying in the relationship. Here are 3 examples of guilt shaming:

1. I'm a victim. Why are you doing this to me?

2. You are a bad person and I will tell everyone the truth (this is when they will start a public shaming campaign-calling friends and family with lies) 

3. You have the potential to be so perfect and wonderful.

Solution:

You need a support network. Even though it may feel scary and shameful, it's important to tell close trusted friends and professionals what's been going on. The only way to protect yourself is to disengage from the toxic person and to have the network of support to keep your boundaries firm. Remember, you give up your power when you keep silent. This is especially difficult for men suffering from emotional abuse by women. Men may feel they're being weak by admitting they are being abused by a female. Abusers are equal opportunity predators and do not discriminate against gender, race or age, so don't be afraid of speaking up!

Helpful books on this topic: 

-In sheep's clothing by George Simon Jr

-The emotional vampire survival guide by Albert Bernstein

 * Disclaimer: This blog is written for the general public. If you need more information or feel you are in danger, please contact your nearest law enforcement or contact a professional.