Getting to the Heart of the Matter Hawaii Retreat : Unlocking Blocks to Intimacy

Alohavillas.com | Luxurious Beach Front Resort

Mindful Psychotherapy Services is happy to announce our Hawaiian retreat “Getting to the heart of the matter: unlocking blocks to intimacy”

We hope that many of you will be able to join us for a uniquely powerful experience and intensive track to positive change in a luxurious, beachfront villa on the Island of Maui. This 5-day Hawaii retreat includes locally sourced meals by a private chef, meditation instruction, yoga and 3 full days of workshops and process groups led by Toni Herbine-Blank, international speaker, author and founder of Intimacy from the Inside Out©. 

In this concentrated program, you’ll transform your relationship to yourself and others and discover the key to unlocking blocks to intimacy. 

How big can your heart get?

Why Therapists Don’t Give Advice

“I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.” -Oscar Wilde

It’s a Wednesday afternoon, and the sun is casting a golden light through the blinds. I am sitting across from my patient Andrew, who wrinkles his face and says in an exasperated tone, “Look, I know you don’t give advice, but what do you think I should do about this mess?”

I respond, “It would be easy for me to answer your questions with advice, but how would that be of any help to you?”

In reality, I do have opinions about Andrew’s relationship. This is the second time he has jumped headfirst into a romantic relationship without consulting anyone. Now he’s in over his head in a tumultuous love affair with a co-worker who is married to one of the partners in his firm. It seems clear to me that Andrew has some commitment issues which he’s been exploring in treatment for some time. Every time we get close to addressing some of his intimacy issues, he predictably gets into a high octane love affair that is nearly impossible to disentangle himself from.

I sit across from him patiently waiting for his reply. Finally, he says, “Well, if I get you to tell me what to do, it would make it easier for me.”

“What do you gain from me making things easier for you?”

“I guess nothing. I don’t learn anything for myself. Ugh. How did I get myself into the mess?”

Bingo. This is the moment when Andrew begins feeling motivated to wonder about how and why he’s gotten himself into this situation.

Therapists are notorious for asking questions in response to questions instead of giving advice. While this can be irritating, there are reasons for this:

1. There’s a lot to learn from tension. When people ask for advice, they are sometimes asking to be relieved of the tension around ambiguity. If the therapist gives the patient the answer, the patient will not build the necessary resources to understand how to tolerate tension and learn to manage uncertainty.
    
2. Decision-making leads to independence and agency. Effort and struggle provide a sense of empowerment. It’s disempowering to have someone else make a choice about your life. The act of making a one’s own decision involves an active commitment to taking responsibility for the outcome.
    
3. Therapists are human beings and have blind spots like everyone else. They may have the purest of intentions, but their opinions are limited by their own life experiences. Refraining from offering definitive advice creates the opportunity to explore multiple options and creative solutions.

Therapists who are doing good work understand that the most powerful tool to have in life is to know oneself and to act on one’s own behalf.

The difference between coaching and therapy

Should you see a therapist or a coach? Founder and executive director of Mindful Psychotherapy, Yoon Kane, LCSW, CGP explains the difference between therapy and coaching.

Three early red flags you need couple therapy

When is the right time for couple therapy? Founder and executive director of Mindful Psychotherapy Yoon Kane, LCSW, CGP talks about the 3 early red flags that your relationship may be headed for trouble.

Toxic Bosses

If you’ve ever worked for a “toxic boss” the following should sound familiar: Your boss repeatedly criticizes you, blames you, compares you (unfavorably) to others, discounts your contributions and worth, and is hostile or passive-aggressive. You can’t always put your finger on why, but you end up tied up in a knot, frustrated, angry or demoralized with each interaction. As a result you – and most likely your colleagues – experience an underlying feeling of anxiety, distrust, negativity, helplessness, lack of energy…even despair. 

So how do you deal with a toxic boss? Ideally, you get a new job. But if this is not a viable solution, there are ways to reduce the serious physical and emotional damage that can result from working under persistently stressful conditions. Here are some tips to help make working for a toxic boss more manageable:

Minimize your dealings with your boss.

·      Be as specific and efficient as possible in your communications to limit your time dealing with your boss.

·      Identify others you can go to for information, support or guidance.

·      If at all possible, request to be placed on a different team or with a different supervisor.

Respond, don’t react.

·      If your boss is yelling at you, bullying you or calling you names, say, “I’m happy to finish this conversation when you are calmer, but I’m going back to my office for now.” Or, “I’m going to end this conversation if you call me names.”

Set boundaries and don’t explain

·      Learn to say no to unreasonable demands. Simply, without justification. Remember the old slogan, “’No’ is a complete sentence.”

·      You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, so better to just state your limits and have a mantra ready to combat any lashing out. “I can’t do that right now,” or, “I can work on it as soon as I am done with the ___ project.” Hold your ground despite your boss’s emotional reaction.

Document

·      For your emotional well being, and in case you ever need specific information for potential intervention by higher-ups, take notes. First, write down what happened, date and time, the situation, and what was said or done.

Next – and more importantly for your mental health – write down how you felt before, during and after the incident. It will help you clarify how this person’s behavior affects you, make sense of what goes on for you emotionally, and inform you where your reactions might be contributing to your distress.

Detach

·      If you are unable to make a change and are stuck with your boss, learn to detach emotionally. It sounds – and is at first – difficult, but it can be done. Recognize what this person is about. Even if you don’t understand why, become aware of what seems to trigger them, what their typical reactions are, what they try to do to catch you off-guard and unbalance you. Then when it happens, put up your invisible shield. Remind yourself this is not about you. Listen for any important content and literally forget about the rest. How important is it?

·      Distressing as the behavior is, this is the way your boss operates and you have no chance of changing their M.O. You do have a chance of defusing their behavior by not reacting in kind and not taking it personally.

Just listen – as long as they are not yelling or being otherwise abusive – respond calmly and succinctly, and leave. Or read over their email, draft a response and make sure it’s brief and just the facts. No emotional content. With practice you can learn to detach emotionally and be less confused or hurt by their behavior. Plus, you can maintain your integrity by staying self-contained and doing nothing you regret.

Debrief

·      Even if you detach, you may still experience some stress from the overall tenor of your work environment. So call or text a friend if you can, even if you just say, “There she goes again” or “I’m committing to not being frazzled by him.” After work do something healthy to unwind, to relax, to work off your pent up energy, and talk with someone if you can.

The bottom line is that you, unfortunately, have zero control over your boss’s behavior. But you do have control over your own actions. So “keep the focus on yourself.” Monitor your responses, your thoughts and your feelings, and practice “radical self-care” and you’ll see your situation become more manageable, even if your boss doesn’t change a bit.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate

5 red flags you’re dealing with a narcissist

I was recently interviewed by Allure magazine for a piece on Narcissism. The interviewer wanted a professional to explain in lay terms the ways to spot a narcissist and whether it’s possible to stay in a relationship with one. Here are some tidbits from the interview. 

We’re all a little narcissistic:
Most of us have some quality of narcissism. It’s important to understand that narcissism is a trait that varies from person to person and describes a set of behaviors on a continuum. For example, narcissistic qualities peak in teenage years and decrease in severity with age. A study from the National Institutes of Health determined that 9.4 percent of 20- to 29-year-olds exhibit extreme narcissism, compared with 3.2 percent of those older than 65.

Healthy narcissism is a useful defense mechanism when you need a small dose of entitlement, for example, when you're asking for a raise or being unfairly treated. The number of people who carry an actual clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to be around 1 percent of the population. People with NPD display pathological traits such as grandiosity, self-centeredness, and a constant need for attention and admiration. Their relationships are unhealthy and destructive as a result of impaired empathy. Additionally, they rely constantly on others for endless ego boosting and reassurance to shore up the distorted belief that they are better than others.

If you are wondering if someone you know is NPD or has narcissistic traits, here's a helpful question to ask yourself: "Is this a trait or a state?" Are they situationally exhibiting NPD-like behaviors in front of peers or on social media (state) or are they consistently demonstrating NPD- behaviors in most areas of their life with little insight? (trait)

Be aware of the vulnerable narcissist:
For most people, when they imagine a narcissist, they immediately conjure up the stereotype of a chest thumping, charismatic, cult of personality. On the contrary, you would be surprised how subtle narcissistic personalities can be. A good example is the vulnerable narcissist. They easily express neediness and helplessness to seamlessly suck you into their drama with feigned fragility.  In reality, the helpless narcissists have a habit of externalizing blame and project their responsibility onto others. They are not interested in how their neediness and demands impact others. They are always the victim and it’s never their fault.

5 Red flags you're dealing with a narcissist:

1. They rarely ask about you unless they have something to gain.
2. You feel special in their presence but feel exhausted after
3. They seem to have little regard for your boundaries
4. Low frustration tolerance: minor disappointments turn into rage, temper outbursts or stonewalling.
5. History of short term relationships or infidelity. The narcissist seek caretakers, sensitive or empathic personalities whom they can manipulate.

Is it possible to be in a relationship with a narcissist?
People with NPD have difficulty in intimate relationships because successful relationships require the following traits:

- Low selfishness
- Forgiveness
- Sensitivity
- Supportiveness
- Generosity
- Empathy

The nature of their disorder limits them from genuinely engaging in any of the listed healthy relationship behaviors. It’s possible with therapy to help them understand their impact on others if they're motivated to learn and change. Typically, true narcissists stay out of the therapy office because they rarely see themselves as the problem. The exception is during big life changes such as a divorce, major illness or job loss. If you are the care-taking, empathic type in a relationship with a narcissist, the best step toward health is to focus on taking care of your own needs, setting clear limits and seeking therapy. 

*Stay tuned for 5 ways to handle the narcissist in your life.

CGPS 2017 Spring Workshop Presentation: Race, Sex + Power

On May 20th - 21st 2017, I was invited by the Carolinas Group Psychotherapy Society as the featured presenter to lead their spring conference event at the UNC Friday Center. The topic was Race, Sex + Power. I was blown away by the level of skill, insight, and compassion demonstrated by the participants. It was a powerful and healing weekend for all!

An excerpt from my plenary at the CGPS weekend conference:

"As group therapists, it is part of our job description to create a safe, inviting container for our patients. This takes a tremendous effort from the group leader. In order for the therapist to help others heal, the therapist has to understand, own and accept their own unconscious feelings. What this means is that the therapist must have empathy for themselves. They must willingly expose themselves in a controlled manner to their own unconscious beliefs, feelings, and thoughts"

Stay tuned for the full write up.

Yoon Kane LCSW, CGP - Interview with CGPS - Spring Workshop 2017

Tom Thorsheim, Ph.D. interviews Yoon Kane LCSW, CGP as the featured presenter at the Carolina Group Psychotherapy Society Spring Conference Event, May 20 - 21, 2017.

Yoon will be presenting on the topic of Race, Sex & Power and Group Psychotherapy. The Spring Workshop will be held on May 20th - 21st, 2017 at the Friday Center - Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

More Info on the Workshop >>

Public Speaking Anxiety: Actions You Can Take

Jerry Seinfeld is known to have said, “According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of truth in that joke. For many of us, anticipating a speaking event causes us anxiety but it dissipates once we get started. For very nervous speakers – those with extreme performance anxiety -- the effect is magnified. Even thinking about getting up in front of people brings on some physical changes: shallow breathing, heart racing, inability to concentrate, etc. These are all normal reactions to danger, but nervous speakers can experience them when it’s not a life-or-death situation. Once those “fight or flight” reactions kick in, it’s hard to stop them. So it’s a good idea to start calming yourself down before the anxiety reaches a peak. Here are 6 actions to take:

1. Breathe
Practice deep breathing techniques, such a “belly breathing.” Inhale slowly, filling your belly with air. When you exhale, push the air out, flattening your belly. Try to keep your shoulders and ribs still and just fill your belly with air like you would fill a balloon. Inhale slowly for 5 counts and exhale slowly for 5 counts. Practice this several times a day. Then it will be easier to do when you need it most: when thinking about your upcoming speaking event, and while waiting to go on.

2. Meditate
Take a few minutes to close your eyes and focus on your breath, allowing yourself to let go of thoughts and worries. If thoughts come into your head just label them “thinking” and bring your attention back to your breath. Practice this daily, and use it the morning of your presentation. If possible, take a few moments before your meeting to meditate in your office to calm your mind and body down.

3. Prepare
When you’ve prepared thoroughly it’s a lot easier to use the cognitive tools to calm yourself down. Sure, something unexpected could arise, but when you know your stuff and have organized how you are going to relay the information, you can realistically say you’ve done well. Then, after you practice (see # 4), you can let go, do your best job, and trust that you’ll be okay.

4. Practice
Practicing helps to take the bite out of anticipatory nervousness. Practice out loud – and while you do, picture the room, the people, and the visuals if you have them. Then you won’t be thrown off the day of when suddenly you hear your own voice, see people staring back at you, and encounter a screen with stuff you’re supposed to speak to.

5. Move
Get some exercise the day of your presentation. Go to the gym in the morning, take a walk, do some stretches. Not only will you energize yourself physically, grounding yourself in your body can help you focus…and breathe.

6. Stay present
Staying grounded in your bodily sensations and what’s going on around you can free you to focus on what you’re saying, rather than on what you think they’re thinking about you, or how you’re surely going to “mess up.” Feel your feet on the floor…the air coming into your belly. Look at the audience members and be attuned to their vibe. Look for and take in the support some of your listeners will surely be sending your way. Connect with them rather than shutting them out.

Try these strategies and you should feel better in your skin and less nervous. Even if you’re not a nervous speaker, making these strategies part of your presentation prep routine can bring out in you a calm energy that is compelling.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate

Public Speaking Anxiety: Examining Your Thoughts

According to a 2001 Gallup poll, 40% of adults have some degree of stage fright. Do you?

One way to address performance anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. “CBT” is a type of therapy that seeks to change unhelpful thinking and behaviors. Although behavioral strategies are an important part of CBT, I will focus on the “cognitive” or thought-related aspects today.

The underlying assumption in CBT is that our thoughts, for example how we view situations, affect our feelings and behaviors. CBT focuses on solutions, and asks us to identify and challenge distorted thoughts and beliefs and replace them with more realistic, effective ones. We can then view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them with more helpful and effective emotions and behaviors.

How might that work when you’re anxious before a presentation? Since you have a unique set of beliefs about yourself and the world, you’ll need to examine what you, personally, are thinking that leads you to feel anxious.

Let’s say you’re scared you’ll look stupid up there. What are the thoughts fueling that fear? Maybe, “I don’t know what I’m talking about” or “They’re going to ask me a question and I won’t answer it well.” There are behavioral ways to address these concerns, like studying the topic and practicing. But in terms of your thoughts…

Ask yourself, “are they realistic or distorted?” Do you really not know what you are talking about? Or is that a thought based on an unrealistic underlying belief about yourself, like, “I have to be an expert on everything.” Are you really certain that you won’t answer the question well, or is that just a fear? Can you really predict the future?

Once you identify a distorted thought or belief, you can challenge it and then replace it with a more realistic one: one that won’t set you up for anxiety. For example: instead of “I don’t know what I’m talking about,” how about, “I’ve prepared really well and I can tell them what I know. If they ask a question I don’t have an answer for, I can tell them I’ll get back to them and then do more research.”

If your underlying belief is unreasonable, (e.g. that you have to be an expert on everything,) that will likely lead to distorted thoughts. You can challenge the belief too. “Is that a realistic expectation, to have to be an expert on everything? Do I really need to be the ultimate authority on this topic or can I simply know enough and communicate it well?”

It can be scary to leave our “comfort zone” of anxiety and the behaviors that anxiety fuels, such as avoiding giving presentations. It requires effort, self-honesty and discipline to examine our thoughts, challenge them, replace them with more realistic and effective ones, and do it again and again until it becomes second nature. In my opinion, it’s worth trying.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate