Codependency: How Are You Thinking?

I work with several clients who say they are codependent or in a codependent relationship. Codependency is defined in a variety of ways by different experts, and plays out differently for different people. Many speak of codependency in close relationships between someone addicted to a substance or behavior and their counterpart (the codependent) who “enables” their addictive behavior. However, a parallel dynamic can also operate in relationships between a codependent person, "the giver" and a non-substance-abusing partner, "the taker", who might possess such qualities as neediness, immaturity, or entitlement or be under-functioning or emotionally troubled.

The codependent, sometimes labeled the giver might try to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. These acts of  “caring”, often involve making extreme sacrifices for the taker. The codependent enables their partner, rather than allow them to learn to take responsibility for themselves. The codependent’s sense of self: their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions, are often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors. The codependent believes that their brand of loving and caring is a good thing, even though others can see how unhealthy it is for both parties. 

What’s going on for the codependent that keeps them in this dysfunctional pattern? Here are some ideas to consider:

What they are thinking: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is based on the premise that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. CBT posits that we all possess, and repeat to ourselves, a default set of automatic thoughts, which can cause problems for us when they are not appropriate to the situation at hand. CBT identifies irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but ways of thinking that that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately. There are at least three cognitive distortions common in codependent relationships:

1. Blaming

2. Control Fallacy  

3. Fallacy of Change

I’ll explain these distortions in depth in subsequent blogs, but here’s an overview to get you thinking:

1. Blaming: When people engage in Blaming, they either blame the other person for their emotional distress and any subsequent actions, or they blame themselves for their partner’s dysfunctional behavior and emotional upset.

2. Control Fallacy: There are two sides to the Control Fallacy:

   A. External Control Fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. 

   B. Internal Control Fallacy, is when a codependent might think they are responsible for and can even control their partner’s negative feelings.

   3. Fallacy of Change: A codependent who believes in the Fallacy of Change thinks they are able to change their partner to be who they want them to be and act how they want them to act if they just figure out how to do it. They employ all sorts of indirect and aggressive strategies to change their partner and because their attempts are based on a fallacy, they fail.

In Summary, if you can relate to any of these thought patterns -- if you see codependency in your relationship with someone --  know that this can be a painful situation and at times can feel beyond repair. The good news is that it is not a done deal. You can start by slowing down and increasing awareness of the dynamic you’re entangled in. An example of a practice that helps to increase awareness of your thoughts is mindfulness.

Mindfulness practice and psychotherapy combined can be a way to get in touch with difficult, uncomfortable feelings and make space to accept things as they are rather than viewing reality with a skewed perspective of what’s going on. t’s important to first understand and become more aware of our problematic thought patterns. Once aware, we have the potential to correct those thought patterns, so that feelings and behaviors can change. When one partner’s behaviors change, the other partner can’t help but adjust, and the potential for a new kind of relationship is born.

Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll take a closer look at Blaming. Until then!

Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, & Your Brain

Mindfulness and meditation are getting so much hype nowadays! The term mindfulness is used in so many different contexts. At a certain point when a word means everything it can seem like it really means nothing. So, what do the practices of mindfulness and meditation actually look like? How does meditation or mindfulness actually promote change? And how is mindfulness relevant to therapy? 

We live in a society that is so rushed and encourages us to manage multiple tasks at once. However, research shows:  multitasking isn’t a thing our brains are capable of doing and actually decreases our enjoyment in what we’re doing (Park, Xu, Rourke, & Bellur, 2019). With so much societal encouragement to keep doing, it can be hard to slow down. That’s where mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness is the intentional attunement to all parts of our experience: our thoughts, feelings, and sensations in our bodies.  Mindfulness is a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute practice. 

For some, it might look like noticing your thoughts wandering in a meeting. For others, it might be savoring every bite of a meal--intentionally chewing and noticing all the flavors of your food. Mindfulness might be noticing what’s happening in your body when you’re fighting with your partner and then choosing how to proceed with the conversation--or pausing the conversation for later. It might be noticing you need a stretch break after a morning of working on the computer; or recognizing that tight feeling in your chest relaxes when you call up a  friend. 

Mindfulness is a unique practice for each individual--just like psychotherapy. Mindfulness-based  psychotherapy is a dynamic process that aims to promote awareness of the connection between your thoughts, feelings and physiological responses. At Mindful NYC our clinicians pull from a wide range of tools to support you in being more aware of what is happeninging in your mind and body. 

Ok, so if that’s what mindfulness is, what’s meditation? Meditation is also a practice and will look different for each individual. Traditionally, meditation is the seated, formal practice of mindfulness: a meditator will select an allotted time to sit in an upright posture, lower their eyelids, focus on their breath, and notice their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations--without judgement. 

Research shows that the formal process of meditating actually promotes the micro-practice of mindfulness (Hernández, Suero, Barros, González-Mora & Rubia, 2016). Without getting too scientific: your brain produces electrical impulses all the time--your brain is never not working. What you think about and consciously notice going on around you is only a portion of your whole experience. Your brain is working hard to filter out unimportant stimuli.

When you close your eyes your brain begins to produce more alpha activity. Alpha is associated with calmness and relaxation. When you close your eyes and focus on your breathing: your brain begins to produce more theta activity. We’re still learning so much about the brain, but generally speaking, theta is associated with: relaxed attention, memory/emotional integration, and focus. When we meditate our brains produce more alpha and theta which leads to being more relaxed, aware, attentive, and focused (Lomas, Ivtzan, Fu, 2015).

Over time, the practice of mediation and the neurophysiological processes it promotes changes how your brain processes information and makes it easier to be more mindful (Dentico, et al., 2016). Working with a mindfulness-based psychotherapist is a collaborative process, pulling from a wide range of tools, aiming to connect your mental, emotional, and physical experiences. All-in-all, the combination of mindfulness, meditation, and psychotherapy can help you slow down, relax, and notice more of what’s happening in your mind, body, and environment. 

References

Dentico, D., Ferrarelli, F., Riedner, B. A., Smith, R., Zennig, C., Lutz, A. Tottoni, G., &  Davidson, R. J. (2016). Short Meditation Trainings Enhance Non-REM Sleep Low-Frequency Oscillations. PLoS ONE, 11(2), 1–18. https://doi-org.tcsedsystem.idm.oclc.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0148961

Hernández, S. E., Suero, J., Barros, A., González-Mora, J. L., & Rubia, K. (2016). Increased Grey Matter Associated with Long-Term Sahaja Yoga Meditation: A Voxel-Based Morphometry Study. PLoS ONE, 11(3), 1–16. https://doi-org.tcsedsystem.idm.oclc.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0150757

Lomas T, Ivtzan I, & Fu, C. (2015). A systematic review of the neurophysiology of mindfulness on EEG oscillation. Neuroscience & Behavioral Reviews, 57, pp.401-410.  Retrieved from 10.1016/j.neubiorev.2015.09.018

Park, S., Xu, X., Rourke, B., & Bellur, S. (2019). Do You Enjoy TV, while Tweeting? Effects of Multitasking on Viewers’ Transportation, Emotions and Enjoyment. Journal of Broadcasting & Electronic Media, 63(2), 231–249. https://doi-org.tcsedsystem.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/08838151.2019.1622340

The Importance of Ritual in Self-Care

Self-care has become a wildly popular concept in the last few years, especially in the field of mental health. While everyone has their own views of what constitutes self-care, I like this definition from PsycheCentral: “Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.”

Despite its wholesome aim, self-care has a darker side. Anne Helen Peterson wrote about the negative effects of the commodification of self-care: “Give yourself a face mask! Go to yoga! Use your meditation app! But much of self-care isn’t care at all: It’s an $11 billion industry whose end goal isn’t to alleviate the burnout cycle, but to provide further means of self-optimization. At least in its contemporary, commodified iteration, self-care isn’t a solution; it’s exhausting.”

This is the primary problem with self-care: for many, it becomes just another task to squeeze into your schedule. In a society that encourages people to feel productive every moment of the day, it’s a cruel Catch-22: in trying to take care of yourself, you end up feeling guilty--or even more stressed out!  Beyond this, many people may not have the funds or the time to schedule regular massages, yoga classes, or even lunchtime walks outside (which points to a much larger conversation about money, power, and privilege).

Given these obstacles, how can we cultivate a form of self-care that truly betters our lives?

The answer can be found in this quote by Evette Dionne, editor-in-chief of Bitch Magazine: “Self-care is not about vacations and bubble baths--no matter what you’ve heard from an Instagram influencer. It’s a set of cultivated habits designed to preserve mental, emotional, and physical health.” The phrase “a set of cultivated habits” denotes that self-care needs to be integrated into our lives in a consistent, fundamental, and ritualistic way.

In a religious context, rituals are routinely-performed ceremonial acts, often in a community setting. In a self-care context, people adopt or create personal rituals for a variety of reasons: to calm, to ground, to set intentions, to feel empowered, to celebrate one’s body, etc. Humans have been performing rituals for at least 70,000 years, but in these busy times, we don’t always make space for the habits we know will nourish us.

Regular practices like yoga, meditation, and therapy are becoming more socially acceptable forms of self-care. And it can be particularly helpful to work with an expert in a self-care capacity, whether that’s a yoga instructor, meditation teacher, or therapist. Experts can help you create a safe space for self-exploration and self-support, as well as discuss ways in which you can further cultivate self-care on your own. When working with any teacher or therapist, it’s important to both take the time to find people who respect your agency and comfort, and to check in with yourself frequently throughout the process.

There are also many types of rituals that can be done on your own. On the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, one of the hosts sets aside her birthday “day” every month to work on items that are important but hard to make time for (create a budget, pay bills, etc.). Some create daily routines that help them take care of their minds or bodies. Ayurvedic practices often include daily practices of self-massage with oil, as well as a focus on the types of foods ingested. All rituals have the common thread of engaging in self care with intention and mindfulness.

As a therapist and yoga teacher, I’ve found that the cycles of the moon are an excellent opportunity to engage in self-care. Each month, the New Moon offers the start of a new cycle in which one can release what’s no longer needed and set intentions for the month ahead. Each New Moon is in a different astrological sign, an opportunity to focus on different areas of one’s life (career, relationships, home, etc.). I’ve led New Moon Circles with a group, but more often I do these practices on my own. Integrating this ritual into my schedule on a monthly basis gives me the opportunity to set aside time to focus on the inner work that I may not have the “time” to do otherwise.

Whatever rituals you choose, the sense of sacred ceremony imbues self-care with an extremely empowering message: my well-being matters. It becomes less about buying products and services, and more about taking the time and space to tune into oneself. Becoming more aware of our inner world is a gentle invitation to deepen our understanding and compassion. It also opens space for us to facilitate changes in other parts of our lives. Therapist Jack Moran stated: “Whenever you make a mindful choice to respond differently than usual, combining awareness with concrete action, your goals and motivations make a leap toward actualization.” Ritual self-care can give us a strong platform with which to move towards that actualization.

Containment: Beginning Trauma-Focused Therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Mindful Psychotherapy Services Director of Education and Training, Bryan Aston explains the essentials of working with post traumatic stress disorder. Mindful will be offering a series of continuing education courses in Spring 2019 to licensed social workers and helping professionals working with trauma interested in learning more about PTSD. This video may also be helpful for clients with a traumatized history to learn more and seek help. 

Fear to Power, Power to Fear: Women’s Voices in Group

FCGPS Annual Conference
(more info)

November 10, 2018
10:00am-5:00pm

University of Colorado Health Center
for Dependency, Addiction and Rehabilitation
1693 Quentin Street
Aurora, CO 80045

AGPA Annual Conference
(more info)

February 25 - March 2, 2019

Westin Bonaventure Hotel
404 S. Figueroa Street
Los Angeles, CA 90071

Leaders:
Yoon Kane, LCSW, IFSCP, CGP
Saralyn Masselink, LCSW CGP

"What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say?" -Audre Lorde.

Mindful Founder and Executive Director, Yoon Kane LCSW, IFSCP, CGP will be co-leading a full-day institute and a half-day experiential training group with Saralyn Masselink LCSW, CGP in Denver, CO and Los Angeles, CA. This training opportunity for therapists will explore cultural expectations as a ‘passionate bad fit’ for women and ways they are unconsciously repeated in group.

From a young age, women receive messages about how to be nice, compliant, accommodate others, and gain approval, both from the family and the communities they grow up in. These messages arrest women’s natural development of a sense of self-worth and entitlement. There is a dichotomy introduced into young female psyches that sets women up to believe that the cost of being powerful is a loss of connection and belonging.

These culturally-sanctioned beliefs that govern patterns of behavior are unconscious and are played out and repeated in group dynamics. Group also has the potential to encourage people to have new experiences that foster new beliefs and paradigms and offers opportunities to try on and test out fresh ideas and ways of being.

These experiential training workshops will explore questions such as: What are women’s relationships to having power and agency? What does the fear of power communicate about the female self and early relationships with caregivers? How can group provide reparative experiences that counter dysfunctional cultural norms? The group leader can help members become conscious of these limiting dynamics and establish new norms that offer the space for maturational experiences previously limited by socio-cultural conditions.

Be sure to connect with Yoon Im Kane LCSW, PC for questions and discussion. She will be part of the expert panel at the FCGPS Annual conference in Denver, CO Sunday 11/11/18 4:00-5:30pm.

Look forward to seeing you there!

2018 Getting to the Heart of the Matter Mindful Retreat: Intimacy from the Inside Out Experience

The Getting to the Heart of the Matter Mindful Psychotherapy Services Hawaii retreat was an experience of rejuvenation, relaxation and rediscovery. Toni, Morgan and Yoon were a fantastic team and thanks to Chef Jessica and her crew, we experienced the flavors of Maui in delicious, locally-sourced meals. Not a drop of rain and spectacular sunsets - thank you Hawaii!

We arrived as a group of strangers from diverse backgrounds - couples and individuals from New York, Texas, Chicago and California. Maui’s magical sunsets, sea turtles, hikes and beaches deepened our intensive journey of the heart, mind and body. Through yoga, journaling, talking and meditating on the beach, we practiced returning to the self and the heart to allow difficult emotions and settle our protectors.

Giving ourselves the experience of being nurtured and held over five days, gave us the time and space to metabolize and integrate our intellectual learning in a deeper, emotional way.  As the days unfolded, we started to sink in and practice new ways of being and connecting with one another moment-to-moment. By getting to understand and accepting the protective parts of us that try to keep us safe, we were able to access our courage and open-heartedness. What a powerful, new way to experience ourselves and each other. 

To Combat Panic Anxiety Think “3-2-1”

In a previous blog, I wrote about different manifestations of anxiety: generalized anxiety, anxiety attacks and panic attacks. At the Mindful Psychotherapy Practice, I often encounter clients who experience one or all of these forms of anxiety, and many of them get great temporary relief from the “3-2-1” exercise.

One of my patients, Janie, just had this kind of experience few weeks ago. She had turned in the final draft of a report she and her team had been working on for months, and it suddenly occurred to her that she might have forgotten to double check one section. She came into the therapy session wracked with anxiety and worry over this possible mistake, and was overcome with dread and fear about the disastrous consequences, as if she had definitely overlooked that section and conclusively missed something important. She reported to me that she was unable to let the thought go, even though there was absolutely nothing she could do about it until the next day at work. Jumping to negative conclusions and creating worse case scenarios  in her head were driving her crazy and contributing to shortness of breath and a racing heartbeat that made her thoughts more intense.

So I taught her one of the most effective mindfulness tools for calming the nervous system, the 3-2-1 exercise:

It’s really simple.

Take a deep breath and name for yourself 3 things you see (e.g. the woman across from you, the advertisement above the railing, the cracked window), then name 3 things you hear, ( the rumble of the train, a child talking, your own breath), then, name 3 things you feel, tactilely (e.g. the hard seat under your backside, your watch on your wrist, and the soles of your feet in your shoes).

Take your time and try to focus exclusively on those things as you name them.

Next, do the same but name two things you see, you hear, then you feel. If you can’t find new ones every time that’s okay, but just really experience them fully as you name them. Finally, name 1 thing in each category.

By the time Janie came into her next therapy session, she reported using the 3-2-1 technique and was surprised to find that her thoughts were no longer spinning. She was able to breathe more calmly, her heart rate slowed and she was able to assess the situation more realistically and redirect her thoughts  to calm herself down further (“I can’t do anything about this now, so I will turn on my music and relax”.) Bottom line, Janie used the exercise to ground herself in the present and free herself from racing thoughts that led her to catastrophic and extreme assumptions.

When you feel anxious and unsettled, try the 3-2-1 exercise. It’s also very useful if you have trouble falling asleep, your mind filled with worried preoccupations. At the least, this exercise will ground you in the present. At best, you’ll be able to proceed serenely with your day, or clear your mind and fall asleep.

Author: Kayla Schwartz - LMSW - Clinical Associate

You Are Not Alone: Common Forms of Anxiety

As a psychotherapist practicing in New York City, I’ve treated my share of patients who experience a baseline of anxiety, intermittent anxiety and panic attacks.

What’s the difference between them?

People who have a persistent level of anxiety live with a baseline of excessive, uncontrollable worry about a number of things – and they may anticipate disaster even when the actual events do not merit it. They may experience any or all of the following symptoms: restlessness, fatigue, trouble concentrating, muscle tension or sleep disturbances. When these symptoms persist for more than 6 months and happen more days than not, these people may be eligible for the diagnosis of  “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” When the level of anxiety is mild to moderate people can function fine, though with discomfort. Severe levels of anxiety may cause sufferers to avoid anxiety-provoking situations or have trouble carrying out simple daily tasks.

Then there are those who experience episodes of more severe anxiety or anxiety attacks, which are usually triggered by some sort of stressor (e.g. being late and pressured, public speaking, a difficult conversation with one’s boss, etc.). This level of anxiety may include symptoms such as shortness of breath, racing heart, tightness in the chest, confusion, etc. Usually when the stressor goes away, the symptoms gradually subside.

Panic attacks can be an even more debilitating manifestation of anxiety. They may be a reaction to being exposed to the object of a phobia (e.g. large groups of people in the case of social phobia or riding on the subway in the case of claustrophobia), or to a medical condition which brings on scary symptoms (e.g. mitral valve prolapse or hypoglycemia.) Panic attacks are usually short-lived – 10 minutes on average --  but can produce feelings of intense fear and doom. Symptoms include heart palpitation, dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, a sense of choking, tingling in the body, chest pains and a fear of actually dying. When panic attacks come out-of-the-blue and regularly, with no apparent trigger, the person often becomes very preoccupied about future attacks and they may avoid situations that they believe trigger them. These people may be eligible for the diagnosis of “Panic Disorder.”

If you suffer from any of these forms of anxiety, you are not alone! According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, a whopping 40 million or 18% of Americans over the age of 18 have some sort of anxiety disorder. Not only are you in good company, there is no reason to despair! There are numerous types of effective treatments out there, from a variety of talk therapies, to behavioral strategies, to medication, to all of the above. You might start by contacting a psychotherapist who can help you determine a course of action that works for you. As I mentioned before, you are not alone if you have anxiety, so why suffer alone?

Author: Kayla Schwartz - LMSW - Clinical Associate

Dealing with Family at Holiday Get-Togethers

Artwork by Sarah Vanell

Do you long for that connected, loving family feeling at holiday get-togethers? Are you instead disappointed, frustrated or hurt, wondering why your family gatherings resemble a horror film more than a Hallmark movie? Navigating family gatherings can be challenging in general, but particularly around the holidays when expectations and pressure to feel close and happy are high.

Dread no more! Here are some ideas to help you feel more peaceful before during and after the family function.

Awareness

It’s almost a given that when surrounded by family – even for an evening -- we fall back into the same relational patterns that were in place when we lived with our family – and those can sometimes be dysfunctional. If your family members tend to engage in the same old negative patterns of relating to each other whenever you gather, think about what those are, and how you play into the system. By identifying your family’s patterns and your role in them, at the time of the event you can be conscious and mindful about not falling into your childhood or adolescent role. Remind yourself that back in your current life you wear your “adult hat”. Commit to yourself that you will keep it on during the event.

Write a Gratitude List

Before the event, put yourself in a positive frame of mind by writing a list of things related to your family that you are grateful for.

Be Prepared

Know your Triggers

You may be triggered by Mom pushing food on you, or by Uncle Larry asking you for the 10th year running when you’re going to get married. Prepare by writing a list of triggering behaviors in you relatives and brainstorm how you will handle them so you are not caught off-guard – which is when we tend to respond impulsively. Ask a friend for help if you are stumped. A pal can see the situation more objectively and will likely offer a simple solution.

Message Points

Do you feel anxious about being put on the spot, like by Uncle Larry, or do you feel you need something exceptional to report to people you haven’t seen for the past year…and nothing exceptional has happened? Before your family function, prepare some message points about yourself you feel comfortable sharing, so again, you are not caught like a deer in headlights, and don’t leave regretting how you answered (or didn’t answer) relatives’ queries. One or two bullet points should satisfy their curiosity If you’re not feeling incredibly accomplished, keep it impersonal: tell them about a vacation you took, a visit to see other family members, or what your kids are doing. Pictures are great too.

Questions

And to further take the focus off yourself, prepare some questions for you to ask your family. People love to hear themselves talk, so take advantage!

Why we have Two Ears and One Mouth

Prioritize listening over talking. You don’t have to spill your guts just because you think you’re “supposed to” be close since “they are family…”

Avoid Arguments

There’s an old saying: “Would you rather be right or be happy?” You may be convinced your political views are the only decent ones, and your opposite-side-of-the-fence aunt thinks the same. She can air her views – which may be very distasteful to you – but you don’t need to engage in an argument, or even a conversation about them! Listen politely (or tune it out) and then move onto the next subject. You are not condoning her views, just keeping the peace…and protecting your serenity.

Take What you Like and Leave the Rest

Having too high expectations for that Hallmark family experience can lead to major disappointment and even anger during or after an event. Try to keep your expectations more realistic and actively look for things you appreciate in your family members -- even if it’s just that they make the effort to maintain the tradition of gathering once a year. If you start to notice all the things that aggravate you, think about why you are here: to reconnect, catch up, see how the kids have grown, give a hug, or see an older relative who you may not be seeing for too many more of these events. You can also get involved with the kids, help clear the table or do the dishes to change your negative perspective.

Detach with Love

If, despite your best efforts, you are still having a hard time tolerating your family, take a play from the Al-anon book and “detach with love,” You can make a decision to maintain your peace of mind no matter what is happening around you. Put up your invisible protective layer so you can listen and watch politely, without becoming involved emotionally. It’s perfectly okay – even preferable – to love your family and not participate in their drama.

Practice gratitude again!

When you leave your family get-together, make another gratitude list. This time, how about sharing some of your entries in a follow-up call or email with the family members in question? It can really promote closeness and connection with each other.

It’s funny how it works, but cultivating qualities such as awareness, detachment and gratitude may just lead you to feel more close and connected to your family so you can wake up the next morning – maybe having eaten too much – but without an emotional hangover.

Author: Kayla Schwartz, LMSW, Clinical Associate

5 brilliant mindfulness tips to brighten your holiday spirit

Tis’ the season of the holidays, and while we may strive for joy, peace and yuletide cheer, this time of year often brings  an abundance of stress and anxiety.  The months of November and December can rapidly escalate  the pressure to orchestrate the perfect holiday ambiance. The search for the perfect gift or throwing the perfect holiday party can activate an impulse to measure our self-worth against the standards of our “ideal” selves or others.  Before we know it, holiday cheer is transformed into holiday madness. We find ourselves unwittingly caught up in the frenzied snowstorm of mixed emotions and self criticism.  

According to National Institute of Health, Christmas is the time of year that people experience a high incidence of depression. One North American survey reported that 45% of respondents dreaded the festive season. Images on social media and Hollywood movies of a cozy warm fireplace or a beautifully decorated tree contribute to our collective sense that this is undoubtedly the “most wonderful time of the year.” The pressure of attempting to actualize societal standards can fuel unrealistic expectations, stress, and self-criticism. Additionally, fantasizing about the perfect holiday can distract from the immediacy of what the holiday season has to offer: gratitude, self-reflection and the time to express our love for family and friends.  

Before you ask yourself, “have I been naughty or nice?” … take a moment to reflect on the following mindfulness tips. We hope these ideas will inspire a spirit of kindness and love for yourself and others.

Here are 5 ways to stay grounded and mindful during the holiday season:

1. MINDFUL: Stay present. Breathe. Make sure you spend at least 5 minutes sitting quietly to reflect. You can download meditation apps that guide you through a visualization or stress reduction exercise. Try to calm your body by taking a bath, practicing yoga or going for a hike.  

2. SELF-CARE: Prioritize a routine of self-care. Exercise, sleep and healthy eating will help to keep the roller coaster of the holiday buzz from knocking you off your balance

3. ROUTINE:  Plan ahead and focus on the things that are within your control. Work deadlines, problematic family members and holiday events are sometimes outside of your control. Learn to set boundaries, organize time and, if needed, say “no” when it’s not the right time for you.  

4. SELF-REGULATION: Avoid the excessive use of alcohol, sugar and caffeine to regulate your emotions or to assist in powering through the busy holiday season. This may give you temporary relief but can cause fluctuations in energy and mood, and ultimately burnout.

5. LOVE: Connect with others and yourself. The holiday season is a great time to connect with friends and family. Meet up with your loved ones to share a meal and celebrate the people you love.

In short, remember to pace yourself mindfully, shift your focus and keep it simple. The holiday season does not have to become a frantic time of holiday madness and emotional burnout. Gift yourself this holiday season by slowing down, breathing deeply, and taking an emotional u-turn towards self-care and self-love.

Additional resources:
https://www.headspace.com
https://www.yogaglo.com
https://shambhala.org

co-editors: Megan Faralli, LMHC and Alan S. Vanell, LMHC