Codependency: Do You Think You’ll Be Happy If They Change?

Hello again. 

This will be the final installment in my blog series about cognitive distortions and codependent relationships. Those two terms are a mouthful! So for those who haven’t read the previous blogs, let’s start with some definitions.

For these blogs, I’m defining codependency as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their partner’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self -- their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions -- is often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or “CBT”. CBT posits that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. According to CBT theory, cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking that usually lead us to feeling bad or taking unhealthy actions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but paradigms or ways of thinking that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately.

My last two blogs examined two cognitive distortions that are commonly seen in codependent relationships: Blaming and the Control Fallacy. This time we’ll look at the Fallacy of Change.

As with the control fallacy, a person who engages in the fallacy of change unrealistically believes they have the great power to cause their partner to change – in particular, to cause their partner to change to their liking. Since the codependent thinks their happiness and wellbeing depend on their partner being and acting the way the codependent wants, they unknowingly or purposefully manipulate their partner. The codependent becomes highly invested in pressuring, tricking, or humoring their partner into doing what they desire, or being who they want them to be. And they mistakenly believe that these efforts will work! For example a woman thinks that if her husband were only more romantic she’d be happy (despite the multitude of other problems in their relationship), so she hints around about going out for a nice dinner, harps on him “you never give me any little gifts…like flowers!” or tells him directly, “I’d be happy if you were just more romantic!”

The typical example of the Fallacy of Change is the person who believes everything would be perfect if the alcoholic in their life would just stop drinking. They might hide the bottles, threaten to leave if their partner doesn’t stop drinking, or cajole them into going to an AA meeting with a promise of a nice surprise later that night. Invariably the alcoholic is immune to or actively resistant to their efforts, and the codependent is left feeling unhappy and like a failure.

You may recognize two fallacies operating here. 

#1: The codependent believes they would be happy or have what they want and need if their partner would only change and be more (insert adjective) or just do (insert action). 

#2: The codependent has the power -- through their various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation – to change their partner. 

Neither is realistic. Both are cognitive distortions that lead the codependent, and likely their partner, to feel bad and potentially engage in unhealthy behavior.

You’ve now heard about a few cognitive distortions that codependent people tend to engage in. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these scenarios, or you think you fall into one of these “cognitive traps.”  Maybe you think your partner is “making” you feel a certain way, or you blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors or feelings. 

Or do you relate to the fallacy of change? Do you hold the belief that your wellbeing depends on your partner changing, and that you have the power to get them to change? 

Change is definitely possible, but the person you have the power to change is the same person whose changing will make you happier. It’s you.

With a mindfulness approach to psychotherapy, you can start to be more present. You can learn to sit still long enough to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. Your therapist can help you look at those thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors that are fueled by them, and see how they might in some way be serving you or have served you in the past. You can start to identify your unrealistic, distorted ways of thinking, and look at the negative consequences they cause: unhealthy behaviors and distressing feelings. And that is the start of your process of change. 

The funny thing is, you may actually experience an additional, unexpected-- yet welcome-- consequence of changing your thoughts and behaviors. When you start doing things differently, the balance in the relationship shifts. The unhealthy dynamic that perpetuated itself in the relationship is destroyed. That will likely cause a shift in the balance in the relationship, and a subsequent feeling of discomfort in your partner. In order to restore a sense of equilibrium – but this time a positive one -- your partner may end up shifting their own behaviors and attitudes. Thus a new and healthier dynamic for relating is born.

Until the next time…

Kayla

Codependency: Who do You Think is in Control?

In my last two blogs, I spoke about the relationship between codependency and certain unrealistic patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. I defined “codependency” as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behaviors – whom I will call the taker -- and their counterpart, the codependent, who enables the taker’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior. 

To recap: last time I wrote about “blaming,” where both parties place blame for the dysfunctional behavior on someone other than the one who is really responsible for those behaviors. In many cases, the person blamed by both people is the codependent, rather than the taker who is taking the actions. In this blog, we’ll look at another cognitive distortion -- a “cousin” of blaming: The Control Fallacy.

There are two sides to the control fallacy: the External Control Fallacy and the Internal Control Fallacy.

The external control fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. They think they are a victim of happenstance or of someone else’s actions and that they have no agency over the matter. They thus excuse their own negative behaviors – take no responsibility for them – and rationalize continuing to act in a way that would require a lot of effort to stop. 

The addict or taker who is perpetually late for work might hold the subway system accountable. “It’s not my fault I’m late. The trains are terrible!”. If they are reprimanded by their boss for doing a bad job on a project, they might shirk responsibility by claiming: “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor; my boss demanded I work overtime on it!” This unrealistic pattern of thinking, or cognitive distortion, is the addict’s or taker’s way of enabling themselves to continue the behavior. 

The codependent can also fall prey to the external control fallacy, which can lead to their own kind of enabling behaviors. For example, when the codependent co-opts their counterpart’s unrealistic external control fallacy -- that the dysfunctional behavior is due to an outside force – the codependent also excuses the behavior and promotes its continuation. “I need to keep paying his student loan bills. It’s not his fault he spends so much on clothing. He has to look professional for his job!”    

You also see the internal control fallacy in the codependent when they mistakenly think they somehow control and are responsible for the feelings of their counterpart. That belief very often will extend to practically everyone the codependent deals with. They think that the happiness, pain, displeasure, etc. of others exists because of something they are doing. “You’re unhappy. I must have done something to upset you!” If they are giving a party they might believe they are responsible for their guests’ enjoyment or even boredom at the event. “If I had only put up more decorations, people would have had a better time.” When taken to the extreme, the codependent feels that their way of being or even their existence has the power to “make” someone feel or act the way they do.

If you relate to these thoughts and thought patterns, psychotherapy with a mindfulness approach might be really helpful. Psychotherapy can help you examine your thoughts and behaviors, and look at where they might have actually served you in the past. With your therapist, you can identify distorted or mistaken beliefs and ways of thinking that currently lead to unhealthy behaviors with negative consequences.

With the help of exercises designed to promote mindfulness, you can become more aware of your current reality and learn to tolerate it by practicing staying in the present moment. You can then begin to develop acceptance of what actually is. You will have the tools to replace the distorted thought patterns you have identified with and start to create more realistic and functional ones. You can then find your way to more healthy relationships – with others…and yourself! Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll look at the cognitive distortion of the Fallacy of Change. Until then!

Codependency: How are you thinking? The Role of “Blaming”

In my last blog I spoke about codependency and three unrealistic patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions – that are common in codependent relationships. To recap: I defined “codependency” as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self: their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions, are often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion is an important element in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. The theory behind CBT is that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. CBT posits that we all possess, and repeat to ourselves, a default set of automatic thoughts, which can cause problems for us when they are not appropriate to the situation at hand. CBT identifies irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions  -- which go hand-in-hand with these problematic thoughts. They are ways of thinking that that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately. Today, I will highlight one cognitive distortion frequently seen in codependent relationships: Blaming.

Blaming can operate in both members of the relationship, though not always in the same way. A person engages in “blaming” when they hold the other person responsible for their emotional well-being, emotional pain, or even the actions they take. All sorts of interpersonal and intrapersonal problems stem from blaming.

The codependent might say: “He made me feel terrible about myself.” 

This kind of blaming is a distortion: no one can make you feel a certain way. Feeling badly about yourself is a feeling stemming from the belief that the negative comments the taker throws at you must be true. After all, your well-being is contingent upon them (or so your believe) and thus you don’t have to take responsibility for your own feelings or your own welfare.

The partner, or taker, might say: “I drink because you nag me all the time.” 

This kind of blaming absolves the partner from taking responsibility for their actions. If someone else is to blame for their drinking, for example, they are justified in not putting in the effort and feeling the discomfort associated with changing, or in this case, getting sober.

Because they also believe in the legitimacy of blaming, the codependent might corroborate the taker’s belief that they, the giver, is to blame –in this case for their partner’s drinking. The codependent thus assumes responsibility for the taker’s dysfunctional behavior: they blame themselves for it. The result: the codependent might feel tremendous guilt and work themselves into a pretzel to stop “causing” the taker’s problem. 

Here, the blaming is clearly a distortion. It is not realistic to blame yourself for someone else’s dysfunctional behavior. That’s the other person’s responsibility and choice. Taking on the blame again absolves the taker from the responsibility for their own behaviors, and it encourages them to unload their feelings of guilt onto the codependent.

Blaming is not exclusive to codependent relationships either. People have a natural tendency to occasionally blame others for negative situations of their own making to avoid painful feelings like guilt, embarrassment and shame. In a codependent relationship, blaming is the default setting and is corroborated by both parties to distract them from difficult feelings and painful realities. Do you recognize a pattern of blaming in your relationship? If so, the first step to healing is awareness. 

Practicing mindfulness moves you towards awareness by helping you see your current reality – your current situation -- more objectively. Difficult as that awareness can feel, psychotherapy supports you in moving towards acceptance of the reality of your situation, which is a necessary step in the healing process. Psychotherapy offers the tools to facilitate change by teaching you to correct your faulty thought patterns. Mindfulness-based psychotherapy provides you the tools and the support to sit with the difficult feelings surrounding your situation without needing to divert attention from them by engaging in faulty thought patterns such a blaming. 

According to CBT, when thoughts change, feelings and behaviors change. So when even one partner starts to recognize and sit with the reality of their relationship and the difficult feelings associated with it, they can begin to alter their distorted ways of thinking. They can start to change their behaviors in the relationship, which is bound to disrupt unhealthy dynamics, leaving room to develop healthier patterns and a healthier relationship.

Join me in my next blog where we’ll take a closer look at another cognitive distortion you see in codependent relationships: The Control Fallacy. 

Until then!

Codependency: How Are You Thinking?

I work with several clients who say they are codependent or in a codependent relationship. Codependency is defined in a variety of ways by different experts, and plays out differently for different people. Many speak of codependency in close relationships between someone addicted to a substance or behavior and their counterpart (the codependent) who “enables” their addictive behavior. However, a parallel dynamic can also operate in relationships between a codependent person, "the giver" and a non-substance-abusing partner, "the taker", who might possess such qualities as neediness, immaturity, or entitlement or be under-functioning or emotionally troubled.

The codependent, sometimes labeled the giver might try to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. These acts of  “caring”, often involve making extreme sacrifices for the taker. The codependent enables their partner, rather than allow them to learn to take responsibility for themselves. The codependent’s sense of self: their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions, are often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors. The codependent believes that their brand of loving and caring is a good thing, even though others can see how unhealthy it is for both parties. 

What’s going on for the codependent that keeps them in this dysfunctional pattern? Here are some ideas to consider:

What they are thinking: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is based on the premise that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. CBT posits that we all possess, and repeat to ourselves, a default set of automatic thoughts, which can cause problems for us when they are not appropriate to the situation at hand. CBT identifies irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but ways of thinking that that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately. There are at least three cognitive distortions common in codependent relationships:

1. Blaming

2. Control Fallacy  

3. Fallacy of Change

I’ll explain these distortions in depth in subsequent blogs, but here’s an overview to get you thinking:

1. Blaming: When people engage in Blaming, they either blame the other person for their emotional distress and any subsequent actions, or they blame themselves for their partner’s dysfunctional behavior and emotional upset.

2. Control Fallacy: There are two sides to the Control Fallacy:

   A. External Control Fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. 

   B. Internal Control Fallacy, is when a codependent might think they are responsible for and can even control their partner’s negative feelings.

   3. Fallacy of Change: A codependent who believes in the Fallacy of Change thinks they are able to change their partner to be who they want them to be and act how they want them to act if they just figure out how to do it. They employ all sorts of indirect and aggressive strategies to change their partner and because their attempts are based on a fallacy, they fail.

In Summary, if you can relate to any of these thought patterns -- if you see codependency in your relationship with someone --  know that this can be a painful situation and at times can feel beyond repair. The good news is that it is not a done deal. You can start by slowing down and increasing awareness of the dynamic you’re entangled in. An example of a practice that helps to increase awareness of your thoughts is mindfulness.

Mindfulness practice and psychotherapy combined can be a way to get in touch with difficult, uncomfortable feelings and make space to accept things as they are rather than viewing reality with a skewed perspective of what’s going on. t’s important to first understand and become more aware of our problematic thought patterns. Once aware, we have the potential to correct those thought patterns, so that feelings and behaviors can change. When one partner’s behaviors change, the other partner can’t help but adjust, and the potential for a new kind of relationship is born.

Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll take a closer look at Blaming. Until then!