The Group Podcast Ep. 28 "Women, Intersectionality, and Power In Group Leadership"

Podcast Preview: In this episode, Angelo talks with Yoon Kane and Annie Weiss who, along with Saralyn Masselink, edited and contributed chapters to “Women, Intersectionality, and Power in Group Psychotherapy Leadership” (2022, Routledge).

 Their conversation explores how this project sought to address the conspicuous void in professional literature on the complex challenges women group leaders face and how such dilemmas can be understood & skillfully addressed. Intersectionality is also discussed as an organizing principle in the book’s illuminating investigation. Finally, both Yoon’s chapter “Courage to Lead: The Shadow of Racism on Women of Color Leading Psychotherapy Groups” and Annie’s chapter “Training Elastigirl: Developing Strength and Flexibility in Female Group Psychotherapists” are talked about in depth. Check out this incredibly thought-provoking conversation today!
 

Contributors to
“Women, Intersectionality, and Power in Group Psychotherapy Leadership”
Alexandra (Sasha) Watkins
Alexis D. Abernethy
Ali Kimmell
Annie C. Weiss
Britt Raphling
Elizabeth (Libby) Shapiro and Rachel Ginzberg
Ellen L. Wright
Janice M. Morris
Jeanne Bunker
Julie Anderson
Kavita Avula
Madeline Victore Stein
Nina W. Brown
Saralyn M. Masselink
Shemika M. Brooks
Susan P. Gantt
Yesel Yoon
Yoon Im Kane

Mindful.nyc in the Press

Originally published on January 31, 2022 by Ryan Castillo with Redfin Blog Updated on May 19th, 2022

Mindfulness Home Design 2022: Expert Tips to Inspire Mindfulness at Home

The original post can be found here.

We all strive to have a haven that brings us peace, security, and tranquility. However, amidst all the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities that pop up in our lives, oftentimes it can be hard to take a break, center ourselves, and focus on mindfulness. Having a dedicated space or bringing in items and decor that inspire mindfulness into our homes can serve as a reminder to take a breath and focus on what is going on around us. To help you get started, we reached out to mindfulness experts across Chicago, IL to Kelowna, BC to give us their best tips to inspire mindfulness at home. From emphasizing things that create heat to incorporating plants into your decor, keep reading to see what they had to say.

1) Choose quality items and decorations that make you happy

Don’t buy into short-term decor trends, instead choose what makes you happy, invest in quality items, and play with the idea of creating mini zones throughout your space such as a meditation, reading, or yoga corner, always ready for you to plug into. – Sabrina Weber of Femme Du Soleil

2) Identify a designated mindfulness space 

The first step to cultivating mindfulness at home is identifying a designated (and nonnegotiable) mindfulness space. Intentionally creating a special space for mindfulness will help you practice it more consistently, effectively, and comfortably. So, whether you’re designing an elaborate meditation loft, or just trying to make the corner of your bedroom a little more zen, it’s important to make that space sacred. – Loretta Turner, MA, CNP, Certified Mindfulness Coach

3) Emphasize things that create heat 

Heat is pleasant and regulating for our mind, body, and spirit, and brings us back into the present moment. Emphasize things in your home that bring you heat. For example, the bathtub, a fireplace, heated blankets, or a tea kettle. Bring more things into your home that can provide you warmth when you need it. – Kerry J Heckman, Therapist

4) Try sound healing 

Sound healing is an ancient healing art that is making a modern resurgence. Having Bluetooth speakers in each room of the home playing calming, peaceful, or joyful music can bring mindfulness to whatever you’re doing. – Empowered Meditation and Sound Healing

5) Try a diffuser, soft textures, and energizing plants 

Though our minds may wander throughout the day, our external space can serve as a reminder to mindfully reconnect with our internal space – a diffuser with your favorite scent, soft textures around you, energizing plants, and objects that remind you of our values. A space created with mindful intention has the power to bring us back to the here and now and to experience life more fully and peacefully. – Elizabeth Alli, Founder at DesignerUp

6) Incorporate natural elements into your home 

Be sure to add natural materials, plants, and water features to your designs, keep clutter to a minimum, and consider carving out a comfortable spot to create a relaxation retreat. There are even products that can help you see how your brain responds to different paint colors, scents, views, and decor as you plan your new, calming designs. – FocusCalm

7) Introduce mindful self-compassion into your space 

Turn your home into a sanctuary by introducing mindful self-compassion into your space. Add elements that soothe and comfort – faux fur blankets, a warm fire, comfy pillows, an essential oil diffuser, gentle music, warm lights, and soft colors. Place a hand over your heart as you listen to soft sounds, take in the healing scents, and sink into the comfort you’ve created. – The Counseling and Mindfulness Group

8) Try a sensory experience

Mindfulness is all about coming back home to the present moment and nothing does this better than connecting to your senses. To create more mindfulness in your space try and create a sensory experience by using textured pillows, unique fabrics, scented candles, patterned artwork, and anything that makes you feel connected to nature. – Katie Cheadle 

9) Incorporate house plants into your decor

Bringing a snippet of nature indoors by incorporating houseplants into your decor is a simple and easy way to create a mindfulness space. There are many options to complement your personal style. – Mindful Modern Living

10) Create mindful living by decluttering 

Clutter in the home can be distracting. My favorite way to create a mindful living space is to simplify it without limiting the colors, textures, or designs. – Alex G Shearer

11) Make sure your space reflects your personality 

Create a home that is true to who you are. Mindfulness begins by being in tune with things that speak to you. It’s easy to fall into design trends, so always make sure that it is true to who you are so that your space reflects your personality and in doing so, creates a peaceful retreat. – Emmygination

12) Incorporate natural surroundings to help you be present 

Creating a dedicated spot in your home for contemplation and meditation is a simple way to commit to daily mindfulness practice. Incorporating your natural surroundings can help you tune in and become fully present, for example, placing a chair in front of a sunny window. You can devote time to paying attention to the sensation of the sun on your face as a focal point for your meditation. – mindful.nyc

13) Declutter and organize your home

Clutter and disorganization can cause stress and anxiety. You may be able to improve your mood and mental clarity by simply removing things that no longer fit your home and making space for things that do. – Kady Brown Interiors 

14) Pay attention to the purpose of your spaces 

Mindful design is about paying attention, tuning into what each room within the home’s purpose is, and how it supports those living in the home. Mindful design is about creating a sense of balance within each room and the home as a whole. We can use elements like plants, natural lighting, scents, and colors to create the feeling, look, and vibe we each need to balance and thrive in life. – Nourished Home

15) Find a corner where you can set up items that make you calm 

As a business owner, movement instructor, and busy mom, creating space for a mindfulness practice has been key in keeping me balanced and grounded. To help set the tone for a mindful practice in your own home, find a corner where you can set up a few things that bring you a sense of calm such as a yoga mat, candles, and a journal. Even placing these items in a small basket in the corner of your bedroom will remind you to take 5, get down on the floor, and breathe. – Mindful Movement with Maggie

16) Create tech-free zones 

Allow your home to be as conducive as possible to living mindfully, create zones within your home that are completely tech-free, and give you the opportunity to “just be” rather than always doing. This could look like the kitchen bench or breakfast bar, so you enjoy present conversations with your family to start the day while making breakfast or your morning brew or a nook complete with a rocking chair facing a window or door with a view or a leafy outlook. Have a side table for your drink or journal, a plant to inspire mindfulness, books or mags within easy reach, a lamp, and even a cozy blanket. – Slow Coaching Co.

17) Use the three-step mindfulness practice – Pause, breathe, and notice

At each step of the decorating process, whether you are sitting down to begin planning your project or deep in the midst of making final color and layout choices, pause and breathe, feeling sensations in your body as you take three, slow, deeper breaths, then notice what decor choices feel truly pleasant and supportive to you. Try this practice to tune into your own natural, inner wisdom or home designer, to let go of ideas about how your space ‘should’ be, and discover how to create a space that supports the authentic life you dream of. – Julie Woodward, MSW

18) Keep mindfulness practices accessible

If it’s out of sight, it may very likely be out of mind. If you love to practice seated mindful movement, you might try keeping your dedicated chair where you can see it often, free of any clutter. If you work from home and struggle to make time for breaks, you might try keeping a mindful chime on your desk to remind you to take an informal 5-minute mindful moment. If you want to be more intentional in practicing compassion mindfulness, you might try keeping your mindfulness journal on your coffee table where you sit and drink your coffee in the morning. – Mindfulness First

19) Embrace indoor-outdoor living

For decompressing, we have a sauna and a steam shower, as well as a saltwater pool that we keep on the warmer side to float in for relaxation. I also think it’s important to embrace an indoor/outdoor connection not just with plants, but with a design element that feels like you’re bringing nature in. For example, we have a large accordion door that opens up to the backyard from our main living space and in our bathroom, we choose a tile that looks almost wood-like surrounding the bathtub that I like to soak in after a long day. – Mindfulness Matters 

20) Keep a pen and notepad close to you

Place a pretty jar or container with a notepad and pen in a central location in your home and take the time to jot down simple words and phrases that represent moments of gratitude or creativity, brilliant ideas, sincere emotion, and affirmations. Multiply these “mindful moments” by designating a time each week to reflect on the notes in your jar, recalling how you felt about each one at the moment you wrote it, and noticing how you feel about it now. Living mindfully often requires a willingness to slow down and capture these small, yet meaningful moments amid the busyness and to-do lists of every day, which in turn helps cultivate a sense of ease, accomplishment, happiness, and peace. – HomeGirl by Design

LEGAL: This article is for informational purposes only. Individual results may vary. Redfin is not affiliated with nor endorses or guarantees any of the individuals, resources or websites mentioned. 

Redfin does not provide medical advice. This article is not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your health. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on Redfin’s blog.

Ryan Castillo

Ryan is part of the Content Marketing team and enjoys writing about market trends and local insights. His dream home would be a large cape cod-style house by the beach.

Email Ryan

5 Ways to Stave Off the Quarantine Blues

Shelter in Place has left many of us cooped up at home for the past many months. You may be struggling with feelings of fear, sadness, and anxiety--all of which are valid. These are strange times that hold a lot of uncertainties and unknowns. The reality is, there’s no right or wrong way to feel. But many of us still have work to do, relationships to nurture, and lives to live! 

If your feelings are getting the best of you, keeping you from doing the things you want or need to be doing, it might be time to reach out for some extra support (like seeing a psychotherapist!).

However, at Mindful NYC, we recognize that these uncertain times have left many of us with some financial anxieties. While we do offer sliding scale services, we also pride ourselves in providing resources through blog posts and social media to the larger-Manhattan community. 

So! Here are a few of our favorite ways to keep the quarantine blues away:  

1.Make your bed

New York apartments aren’t known for their square-footage, you might be surprised what a difference a made bed can make to your day. Making your bed every day can serve as a ritual, or cue, to let you know the day has started. While also acting as a micro-cleaning practice to help you keep your space clear and clutter-free! 

2. Take a shower 

When you’re not leaving the house for anything (except maybe to get groceries), it can be easy to let your hygiene slip. Take the time each morning (or night!) to shower, paying attention to your showering experience. Take note of how the water feels on your skin, use your favorite soaps and conditioners, savoring their scent--really allow yourself to be in the moment while you pamper yourself!

3. (safely) Get moving!

Movement has so many benefits, it can lift your mood, enhance learning, promote creativity, and decrease stress! Safely going for a walk, riding a bike, or doing some stretching on your balcony or in the park can make a BIG difference in your day--allowing you to take a break, change up the scenery, and get those feel-good neurochemicals going. 

4. Cut yourself a break

It’s really important to remember that these are unprecedented times. We’re in the middle of a global trauma. There’s a lot of hype in the world right now about using quarantine as a time to learn a new skill! Get fit! Actualize your best self! Blah, blah, blah. Your value is not based on how much you can do. You deserve a rest, no matter how much or how little you’re doing right now. It’s ok to take a break and honor your limits. 

5. Pay attention to your body

The pandemic is causing us all a lot of stress (individually and globally). Stress is a physical process in our bodies that raises our blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration rate--along with a host of other physiological reactions known as the stress response. When our stress response is sustained for too long like during a pandemic, our bodies become strained. We may find ourselves feeling depressed and anxious. Paying attention to what is happening in our body can be the first step to experiencing some emotional relief. 

BONUS: Anything that helps us relax physically can help us feel better emotionally. Some ways to relax physically might be: taking a hot bath or shower, getting some movement, putting on a weighted blanket, taking a few deep, slow breaths, meditating, practicing some yoga, or drinking a hot cup of tea. 

This is by no means a comprehensive list of ways to stave off of the quarantine blues. Still, we hope it gives you some idea of ways you might incorporate small, but impactful acts of care into your day-to-day routine. 

Codependency: Do You Think You’ll Be Happy If They Change?

Hello again. 

This will be the final installment in my blog series about cognitive distortions and codependent relationships. Those two terms are a mouthful! So for those who haven’t read the previous blogs, let’s start with some definitions.

For these blogs, I’m defining codependency as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their partner’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self -- their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions -- is often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or “CBT”. CBT posits that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. According to CBT theory, cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking that usually lead us to feeling bad or taking unhealthy actions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but paradigms or ways of thinking that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately.

My last two blogs examined two cognitive distortions that are commonly seen in codependent relationships: Blaming and the Control Fallacy. This time we’ll look at the Fallacy of Change.

As with the control fallacy, a person who engages in the fallacy of change unrealistically believes they have the great power to cause their partner to change – in particular, to cause their partner to change to their liking. Since the codependent thinks their happiness and wellbeing depend on their partner being and acting the way the codependent wants, they unknowingly or purposefully manipulate their partner. The codependent becomes highly invested in pressuring, tricking, or humoring their partner into doing what they desire, or being who they want them to be. And they mistakenly believe that these efforts will work! For example a woman thinks that if her husband were only more romantic she’d be happy (despite the multitude of other problems in their relationship), so she hints around about going out for a nice dinner, harps on him “you never give me any little gifts…like flowers!” or tells him directly, “I’d be happy if you were just more romantic!”

The typical example of the Fallacy of Change is the person who believes everything would be perfect if the alcoholic in their life would just stop drinking. They might hide the bottles, threaten to leave if their partner doesn’t stop drinking, or cajole them into going to an AA meeting with a promise of a nice surprise later that night. Invariably the alcoholic is immune to or actively resistant to their efforts, and the codependent is left feeling unhappy and like a failure.

You may recognize two fallacies operating here. 

#1: The codependent believes they would be happy or have what they want and need if their partner would only change and be more (insert adjective) or just do (insert action). 

#2: The codependent has the power -- through their various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation – to change their partner. 

Neither is realistic. Both are cognitive distortions that lead the codependent, and likely their partner, to feel bad and potentially engage in unhealthy behavior.

You’ve now heard about a few cognitive distortions that codependent people tend to engage in. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these scenarios, or you think you fall into one of these “cognitive traps.”  Maybe you think your partner is “making” you feel a certain way, or you blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors or feelings. 

Or do you relate to the fallacy of change? Do you hold the belief that your wellbeing depends on your partner changing, and that you have the power to get them to change? 

Change is definitely possible, but the person you have the power to change is the same person whose changing will make you happier. It’s you.

With a mindfulness approach to psychotherapy, you can start to be more present. You can learn to sit still long enough to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. Your therapist can help you look at those thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors that are fueled by them, and see how they might in some way be serving you or have served you in the past. You can start to identify your unrealistic, distorted ways of thinking, and look at the negative consequences they cause: unhealthy behaviors and distressing feelings. And that is the start of your process of change. 

The funny thing is, you may actually experience an additional, unexpected-- yet welcome-- consequence of changing your thoughts and behaviors. When you start doing things differently, the balance in the relationship shifts. The unhealthy dynamic that perpetuated itself in the relationship is destroyed. That will likely cause a shift in the balance in the relationship, and a subsequent feeling of discomfort in your partner. In order to restore a sense of equilibrium – but this time a positive one -- your partner may end up shifting their own behaviors and attitudes. Thus a new and healthier dynamic for relating is born.

Until the next time…

Kayla

Setting Mindful Intentions

Recently I was asked to interview for Pilates Style magazine on creating and maintaining New Year resolutions. In the article, I offered three stages of applying mindfulness to succeed and sustain your aspirations for the new year. The three stages are:

1. Setting Mindful Intentions

2. Putting It Into Practice

3. Maintaining Intentions

Setting Mindful Intentions:

An important first step in setting mindful intentions is to decide how you achieve your goal. One way to adopt and preserve your New Year's intentions is a concept I will highlight called harm reduction. Harm reduction is taking simple yet measurable steps towards a larger goal. 

Why is harm reduction important in setting intentions? Researchers found that people are more likely to succeed when they are rewarded for the small wins along the way. According to a study conducted by Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer, “When we think about progress, we often imagine how good it feels to achieve a long-term goal or experience a major breakthrough. These big wins are great—but they are relatively rare. The good news is that even small wins can boost inner work life tremendously” (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).

I will use a case example of a client named John to help further illustrate mindful intentions through harm reduction.

Putting It Into Practice:

John is a 25-year-old recent college graduate in finance who has been smoking half a pack of cigarettes every day since he was 14 years old. Over the course of several months in therapy, John and I implemented a harm reduction technique to slowly decrease John’s smoking habit. Rather than smoking half a pack, he started to smoke one less cigarette every day for one month. In the subsequent month, John reduced his intake even more by smoking two less cigarettes a day. He continued to reduce the daily number of cigarettes each month in small, manageable increments. 

John was able to identify work stress as his primary trigger. In therapy, we worked together to develop a toolkit of mindfulness technique, such as body scanning, diaphragmatic breathing (breathing from the abdomen instead of the chest) and waiting 10 minutes before picking up his next cigarette. By combining mindfulness and harm reduction techniques,  John was eventually smoking only one cigarette per day, a dramatic change from his daily half a pack habit. 

Maintaining Intentions:

Now that I covered the first two stages, let’s talk about the third and most important stage: maintenance. Accountability is important for maintaining new habits because we all have blind spots. In the mental health industry, we call them cognitive distortions. Some examples are denial, minimizing, and all-or-nothing thinking. By setting mindful intentions and engaging in harm reduction techniques, you can shift out of the all-or-nothing mindset of “I am a failure because I fell off the wagon” to a healthier and more sustainable narrative such as “I can take this one step at a time, be patient, and not judge my progress.”

The reality is, the three stages of Intention Setting, Putting It Into Practice, and Maintenance is challenging for all of us. But, by seeking support, practicing harm reduction, and implementing mindfulness skills, we can take manageable steps towards a happier, healthier year. 

Breathwork

Chances are, you've heard of breathwork. In recent years, it’s made its way into yoga studios, the latest meditation apps, and wellness circles across the country. But what’s so special about breathing? 

What is breathwork?

Simply put, breathwork is an intentional practice of breathing. It can be understood as a form of active meditation in which there is a sole focus on a specific breathing pattern for a set period of time. 

Some techniques utilize a three-part breath--inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again for four counts each--whereas others practice six breaths per minute, inhaling and exhaling through the nose for four minutes or more. Consciously controlling the breath can have positive effects on our emotional, psychological, and physiological states (Morningstar, 2001). 

How does it work? 

Generally speaking, breathwork is a means of regulating the autonomic nervous system. When our sympathetic nervous system is activated by a stressor, we may feel anxious and overwhelmed. 

We often spend more time than we realize in our sympathetic nervous system throughout our daily lives--feeling frazzled at work or in an argument with a significant other. Especially during the holiday season, stress can run high. Often, patients will report challenges interacting with family and having difficulty shifting gears to focus in on their internal experience. By taking even a five-minute break to check in with ourselves, we have the power to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and bring the body back into balance (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). 

Tapping into the parasympathetic system, colloquially called the “rest and digest” system, improves the ability of regulatory centers of the brain to manage over-reactivity in the emotion-processing centers of the brain (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). Breathing techniques that stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system induce a relaxed state, allowing for greater emotional regulation and mental clarity (Morningstar, 2001). 

Breathwork can be especially helpful for the following issues:

1. anxiety

2. panic attacks

3. depression

 (Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., &  Harden, K. 2015). 

As we breathe deeper, we start to slow down and become increasingly present. We learn to quiet the mind and connect to our bodies. This heightened awareness allows us to not only feel more grounded, connected, and safe with ourselves--but also with others. 

Using breathwork in therapy

In my experience, ignoring bodily sensations in therapy means we’re only doing half the work. Sometimes the body--and especially the breath--expresses emotions in ways that cannot yet be verbalized. In session, I utilize breathwork to help patients anchor themselves and begin regulating difficult emotions. 

Sometimes, this can be helpful at the start of a session as a way of establishing safety in the room. Here’s how we might begin: 

• Close your eyes and identify sensations in the body. 

• Locate the breath in the body and notice if you’re breathing mostly in your chest or more deeply, from your diaphragm.

• Begin to deepen the breath.  

• I would then guide the breath through a short exercise: inhaling for a series of counts, holding the breath briefly, and then elongating the exhale. 

Guiding you through a breathing exercise usually takes a few minutes and may involve visualizations. With practice, it becomes easier to bring the body and mind back to a state of calm. Ideally, this is a practice that you could ritualize and implement into your daily life, outside of session. 

REFERENCES:

Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. (2006). Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: neural respiratory elements may provide a mechanism that explains how slow deep breathing shifts the autonomic nervous system. Medical hypotheses, 67(3), 566-571.

Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., & Harden, K. (2015). Self-regulation of breathing as a primary treatment for anxiety. Applied psychophysiology and biofeedback, 40(2), 107-115.

Morningstar, J. (2001). Breathwork as a therapeutic adjunct in counseling. 

Morningstar, Jim,“Breathwork-Therapy of choice for whom?”, The Spirit of Breathwork, (2001).

Why Isn't Therapy Working?

We’ve all had the experience of wanting things to be different, taking steps to change (like starting therapy!), and feeling stuck. Even though we’re putting in the time and effort, we’re just not feeling better. Leaving us with the thought ‘Why isn’t therapy working?’ Last time, we talked about how you know when therapy is working. Today, we’ll explore some reasons why therapy may not be helping.

1. Your goals aren’t clear

Sometimes, we start therapy with a clear idea of what we would like to be different in our life. Other times, our therapist works with us to establish clear goals to guide our sessions. If you don’t know what you’re working on, it’s hard to feel like anything is getting accomplished. 

2. Your therapist isn’t the right fit

As we move through the therapeutic process, we begin to identify what we do and don’t like in therapy. Sometimes, the way our therapist does therapy isn’t what we need or want.  One way of thinking about it is that therapy is a medicine and individual therapists are the different types of medicine. Some therapists will be able to offer what you need and want, some won’t. 

3. You may not be ready

Change happens over time. It can be easy to judge where we are based on where we would like to be. It’s important to be patient with where you are at. Carl Rogers once said

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

4. You might need to see a medical doctor

The body impacts the mind and the mind impacts the body. When no matter what we do, we’re still not feeling better, it might be worth a check-up with our medical doctor to make sure everything is OK physically.  

5. You might be scared

Many people have the experience of becoming more aware once they start therapy. Sometimes, change can be scary. We might be feeling scared but unaware of our fear. This unconscious fear could be leading us to behaviors that are counterproductive to our therapeutic goals.  

Like, we talked about last time: People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. Therapy may not be working for a variety of reasons that depend on why you started. This is by no means an extensive list, but it might serve as a helpful conversation starter with your therapist. 

How Do You Know if Therapy is Working?

People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons: depression, anxiety, relationship issues--the list goes on and on. With so many different reasons to seek support, how do you know when therapy is working? 

1.You’re trying something different

What’s that saying? 

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” --Albert Einstein

People usually start coming to therapy when something in their life isn’t working. It can be very easy to keep ourselves stuck in a rut, engaging in the same old ways of coping,  just hoping for things to be different. Starting therapy is usually the first step to trying something different. Over time, you might begin to notice that you’re reacting to old situations in new ways. 

2.You might start feeling a little bit worse

As weird as it may sound, you might begin to feel a little bit worse after starting therapy. Now, you’re probably asking yourself: why would I sign myself up for feeling worse? You’d be surprised how much of our time we spend on autopilot--completely unaware of how we’re feeling. A  part of working with a mindfulness-based therapist is learning how to become more aware of what you’re feeling. Chances are, you’re not necessarily feeling worse, you’re just more aware of how you’re feeling.

3. You’re talking more about your feelings

Some people come to therapy because they have difficulty talking about their feelings. Therapy is not only a great place to become more aware of how you’re feeling, but it is also a great place to practice putting your feelings into words. You may begin to notice that the more you vocalize how you’re feeling in therapy, the easier it becomes in other areas of your life. 

4. You’re more accepting of where you’re at

People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. It can be very easy to put a lot of expectations on ourselves. Remember: change takes time. One way you might notice therapy is working is when you begin to accept where you are at instead of comparing yourself to an idea of where you should be.

5. You’re asking: how do I know therapy is working?

People often have the experience of becoming more self-reflective after starting therapy. It makes sense that you’d eventually want to re-evaluate how things are going with your therapist, what progress you’ve made, and clarify your goals for therapy. If you’re asking this question, chances are therapy is working.  

It’s important to highlight again: people come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. How to tell if therapy is working depends on why you started therapy. This is by no means an extensive list but might serve as a conversation starter in your next therapy session. 

Next time, we’ll talk about how to tell when therapy isn’t working. 

Codependency: How Are You Thinking?

I work with several clients who say they are codependent or in a codependent relationship. Codependency is defined in a variety of ways by different experts, and plays out differently for different people. Many speak of codependency in close relationships between someone addicted to a substance or behavior and their counterpart (the codependent) who “enables” their addictive behavior. However, a parallel dynamic can also operate in relationships between a codependent person, "the giver" and a non-substance-abusing partner, "the taker", who might possess such qualities as neediness, immaturity, or entitlement or be under-functioning or emotionally troubled.

The codependent, sometimes labeled the giver might try to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. These acts of  “caring”, often involve making extreme sacrifices for the taker. The codependent enables their partner, rather than allow them to learn to take responsibility for themselves. The codependent’s sense of self: their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions, are often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors. The codependent believes that their brand of loving and caring is a good thing, even though others can see how unhealthy it is for both parties. 

What’s going on for the codependent that keeps them in this dysfunctional pattern? Here are some ideas to consider:

What they are thinking: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is based on the premise that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. CBT posits that we all possess, and repeat to ourselves, a default set of automatic thoughts, which can cause problems for us when they are not appropriate to the situation at hand. CBT identifies irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but ways of thinking that that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately. There are at least three cognitive distortions common in codependent relationships:

1. Blaming

2. Control Fallacy  

3. Fallacy of Change

I’ll explain these distortions in depth in subsequent blogs, but here’s an overview to get you thinking:

1. Blaming: When people engage in Blaming, they either blame the other person for their emotional distress and any subsequent actions, or they blame themselves for their partner’s dysfunctional behavior and emotional upset.

2. Control Fallacy: There are two sides to the Control Fallacy:

   A. External Control Fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. 

   B. Internal Control Fallacy, is when a codependent might think they are responsible for and can even control their partner’s negative feelings.

   3. Fallacy of Change: A codependent who believes in the Fallacy of Change thinks they are able to change their partner to be who they want them to be and act how they want them to act if they just figure out how to do it. They employ all sorts of indirect and aggressive strategies to change their partner and because their attempts are based on a fallacy, they fail.

In Summary, if you can relate to any of these thought patterns -- if you see codependency in your relationship with someone --  know that this can be a painful situation and at times can feel beyond repair. The good news is that it is not a done deal. You can start by slowing down and increasing awareness of the dynamic you’re entangled in. An example of a practice that helps to increase awareness of your thoughts is mindfulness.

Mindfulness practice and psychotherapy combined can be a way to get in touch with difficult, uncomfortable feelings and make space to accept things as they are rather than viewing reality with a skewed perspective of what’s going on. t’s important to first understand and become more aware of our problematic thought patterns. Once aware, we have the potential to correct those thought patterns, so that feelings and behaviors can change. When one partner’s behaviors change, the other partner can’t help but adjust, and the potential for a new kind of relationship is born.

Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll take a closer look at Blaming. Until then!