10 Reason Why Your Children Should Do Yoga

Yoga is a series of stretches and poses that an individual does while controlling their breathing technique. Since it’s a gentle activity, almost anyone can do it, regardless of your age or fitness level. Yoga allows children to express their energy and joy. It gives them an opportunity to try out new poses, which encourages them to believe and achieve. 

Yoga exercises can be intense and vigorous, depending on your personal choice. No matter which type of exercise you do, it will allow your mind and body to relax and reflect. 

1. Yoga allows children to challenge themselves 

Children will be given the opportunity to try out new yoga poses. To an extent, children get to overcome an obstacle. 

2. Children get to take time off and reflect on their personal health

This allows children to understand what works well for their body, this can be related to breathing problems, anger management, and even time management. 

3. Yoga encourages connection between each other

Children will learn to communicate with each other, especially when they are practicing poses with a partner. 

4. Yoga provides a method, environment where children can explore themselves

The environment that the children practice in will be private, meaning they will learn about their strengths and weaknesses. 

5. Yoga works as a “natural medicine” for people of all ages

Yoga is a natural, drug-free method for your body to reset and re-energize.

6. Children will understand how to control their emotions through success and failure

Failure does not always bring negative effects. In fact, children can learn about the process and how to prevent failure. 

7. Yoga is non-competitive (Self-challenge) 

Instead of competing with other, yoga allows you to set goals ( achieve whatever pose you like).

8. Yoga improves sleep patterns especially in young children

Yoga can benefit sleep schedules, as well as breathing techniques. 

9. Children learn about determination and perseverance

Without determination and perseverance, the chance of success is rather low.

10. Encourage kids to be patient and learn

In the beginning, children will have to pay attention to practice certain poses. They might even have to observe an expert first before trying it out themselves. 

Yoga brings positive aspects to our spiritual and mental well-being. Growing up is a challenging period of parents and children, let us use yoga to de-stress and unwind. Yoga provides such a wonderful activity for the family. So why not try it out?  At Lan Lan Yoga, we utilize a simple three steps method to take Yoga for children to the next level by having the children to reflect their own experience, helping them perceive, believe and achieve!

Codependency: Do You Think You’ll Be Happy If They Change?

Hello again. 

This will be the final installment in my blog series about cognitive distortions and codependent relationships. Those two terms are a mouthful! So for those who haven’t read the previous blogs, let’s start with some definitions.

For these blogs, I’m defining codependency as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their partner’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self -- their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions -- is often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or “CBT”. CBT posits that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. According to CBT theory, cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking that usually lead us to feeling bad or taking unhealthy actions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but paradigms or ways of thinking that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately.

My last two blogs examined two cognitive distortions that are commonly seen in codependent relationships: Blaming and the Control Fallacy. This time we’ll look at the Fallacy of Change.

As with the control fallacy, a person who engages in the fallacy of change unrealistically believes they have the great power to cause their partner to change – in particular, to cause their partner to change to their liking. Since the codependent thinks their happiness and wellbeing depend on their partner being and acting the way the codependent wants, they unknowingly or purposefully manipulate their partner. The codependent becomes highly invested in pressuring, tricking, or humoring their partner into doing what they desire, or being who they want them to be. And they mistakenly believe that these efforts will work! For example a woman thinks that if her husband were only more romantic she’d be happy (despite the multitude of other problems in their relationship), so she hints around about going out for a nice dinner, harps on him “you never give me any little gifts…like flowers!” or tells him directly, “I’d be happy if you were just more romantic!”

The typical example of the Fallacy of Change is the person who believes everything would be perfect if the alcoholic in their life would just stop drinking. They might hide the bottles, threaten to leave if their partner doesn’t stop drinking, or cajole them into going to an AA meeting with a promise of a nice surprise later that night. Invariably the alcoholic is immune to or actively resistant to their efforts, and the codependent is left feeling unhappy and like a failure.

You may recognize two fallacies operating here. 

#1: The codependent believes they would be happy or have what they want and need if their partner would only change and be more (insert adjective) or just do (insert action). 

#2: The codependent has the power -- through their various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation – to change their partner. 

Neither is realistic. Both are cognitive distortions that lead the codependent, and likely their partner, to feel bad and potentially engage in unhealthy behavior.

You’ve now heard about a few cognitive distortions that codependent people tend to engage in. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these scenarios, or you think you fall into one of these “cognitive traps.”  Maybe you think your partner is “making” you feel a certain way, or you blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors or feelings. 

Or do you relate to the fallacy of change? Do you hold the belief that your wellbeing depends on your partner changing, and that you have the power to get them to change? 

Change is definitely possible, but the person you have the power to change is the same person whose changing will make you happier. It’s you.

With a mindfulness approach to psychotherapy, you can start to be more present. You can learn to sit still long enough to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. Your therapist can help you look at those thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors that are fueled by them, and see how they might in some way be serving you or have served you in the past. You can start to identify your unrealistic, distorted ways of thinking, and look at the negative consequences they cause: unhealthy behaviors and distressing feelings. And that is the start of your process of change. 

The funny thing is, you may actually experience an additional, unexpected-- yet welcome-- consequence of changing your thoughts and behaviors. When you start doing things differently, the balance in the relationship shifts. The unhealthy dynamic that perpetuated itself in the relationship is destroyed. That will likely cause a shift in the balance in the relationship, and a subsequent feeling of discomfort in your partner. In order to restore a sense of equilibrium – but this time a positive one -- your partner may end up shifting their own behaviors and attitudes. Thus a new and healthier dynamic for relating is born.

Until the next time…

Kayla

Setting Mindful Intentions

Recently I was asked to interview for Pilates Style magazine on creating and maintaining New Year resolutions. In the article, I offered three stages of applying mindfulness to succeed and sustain your aspirations for the new year. The three stages are:

1. Setting Mindful Intentions

2. Putting It Into Practice

3. Maintaining Intentions

Setting Mindful Intentions:

An important first step in setting mindful intentions is to decide how you achieve your goal. One way to adopt and preserve your New Year's intentions is a concept I will highlight called harm reduction. Harm reduction is taking simple yet measurable steps towards a larger goal. 

Why is harm reduction important in setting intentions? Researchers found that people are more likely to succeed when they are rewarded for the small wins along the way. According to a study conducted by Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer, “When we think about progress, we often imagine how good it feels to achieve a long-term goal or experience a major breakthrough. These big wins are great—but they are relatively rare. The good news is that even small wins can boost inner work life tremendously” (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).

I will use a case example of a client named John to help further illustrate mindful intentions through harm reduction.

Putting It Into Practice:

John is a 25-year-old recent college graduate in finance who has been smoking half a pack of cigarettes every day since he was 14 years old. Over the course of several months in therapy, John and I implemented a harm reduction technique to slowly decrease John’s smoking habit. Rather than smoking half a pack, he started to smoke one less cigarette every day for one month. In the subsequent month, John reduced his intake even more by smoking two less cigarettes a day. He continued to reduce the daily number of cigarettes each month in small, manageable increments. 

John was able to identify work stress as his primary trigger. In therapy, we worked together to develop a toolkit of mindfulness technique, such as body scanning, diaphragmatic breathing (breathing from the abdomen instead of the chest) and waiting 10 minutes before picking up his next cigarette. By combining mindfulness and harm reduction techniques,  John was eventually smoking only one cigarette per day, a dramatic change from his daily half a pack habit. 

Maintaining Intentions:

Now that I covered the first two stages, let’s talk about the third and most important stage: maintenance. Accountability is important for maintaining new habits because we all have blind spots. In the mental health industry, we call them cognitive distortions. Some examples are denial, minimizing, and all-or-nothing thinking. By setting mindful intentions and engaging in harm reduction techniques, you can shift out of the all-or-nothing mindset of “I am a failure because I fell off the wagon” to a healthier and more sustainable narrative such as “I can take this one step at a time, be patient, and not judge my progress.”

The reality is, the three stages of Intention Setting, Putting It Into Practice, and Maintenance is challenging for all of us. But, by seeking support, practicing harm reduction, and implementing mindfulness skills, we can take manageable steps towards a happier, healthier year. 

Breathwork

Chances are, you've heard of breathwork. In recent years, it’s made its way into yoga studios, the latest meditation apps, and wellness circles across the country. But what’s so special about breathing? 

What is breathwork?

Simply put, breathwork is an intentional practice of breathing. It can be understood as a form of active meditation in which there is a sole focus on a specific breathing pattern for a set period of time. 

Some techniques utilize a three-part breath--inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again for four counts each--whereas others practice six breaths per minute, inhaling and exhaling through the nose for four minutes or more. Consciously controlling the breath can have positive effects on our emotional, psychological, and physiological states (Morningstar, 2001). 

How does it work? 

Generally speaking, breathwork is a means of regulating the autonomic nervous system. When our sympathetic nervous system is activated by a stressor, we may feel anxious and overwhelmed. 

We often spend more time than we realize in our sympathetic nervous system throughout our daily lives--feeling frazzled at work or in an argument with a significant other. Especially during the holiday season, stress can run high. Often, patients will report challenges interacting with family and having difficulty shifting gears to focus in on their internal experience. By taking even a five-minute break to check in with ourselves, we have the power to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and bring the body back into balance (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). 

Tapping into the parasympathetic system, colloquially called the “rest and digest” system, improves the ability of regulatory centers of the brain to manage over-reactivity in the emotion-processing centers of the brain (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). Breathing techniques that stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system induce a relaxed state, allowing for greater emotional regulation and mental clarity (Morningstar, 2001). 

Breathwork can be especially helpful for the following issues:

1. anxiety

2. panic attacks

3. depression

 (Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., &  Harden, K. 2015). 

As we breathe deeper, we start to slow down and become increasingly present. We learn to quiet the mind and connect to our bodies. This heightened awareness allows us to not only feel more grounded, connected, and safe with ourselves--but also with others. 

Using breathwork in therapy

In my experience, ignoring bodily sensations in therapy means we’re only doing half the work. Sometimes the body--and especially the breath--expresses emotions in ways that cannot yet be verbalized. In session, I utilize breathwork to help patients anchor themselves and begin regulating difficult emotions. 

Sometimes, this can be helpful at the start of a session as a way of establishing safety in the room. Here’s how we might begin: 

• Close your eyes and identify sensations in the body. 

• Locate the breath in the body and notice if you’re breathing mostly in your chest or more deeply, from your diaphragm.

• Begin to deepen the breath.  

• I would then guide the breath through a short exercise: inhaling for a series of counts, holding the breath briefly, and then elongating the exhale. 

Guiding you through a breathing exercise usually takes a few minutes and may involve visualizations. With practice, it becomes easier to bring the body and mind back to a state of calm. Ideally, this is a practice that you could ritualize and implement into your daily life, outside of session. 

REFERENCES:

Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. (2006). Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: neural respiratory elements may provide a mechanism that explains how slow deep breathing shifts the autonomic nervous system. Medical hypotheses, 67(3), 566-571.

Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., & Harden, K. (2015). Self-regulation of breathing as a primary treatment for anxiety. Applied psychophysiology and biofeedback, 40(2), 107-115.

Morningstar, J. (2001). Breathwork as a therapeutic adjunct in counseling. 

Morningstar, Jim,“Breathwork-Therapy of choice for whom?”, The Spirit of Breathwork, (2001).

Why Isn't Therapy Working?

We’ve all had the experience of wanting things to be different, taking steps to change (like starting therapy!), and feeling stuck. Even though we’re putting in the time and effort, we’re just not feeling better. Leaving us with the thought ‘Why isn’t therapy working?’ Last time, we talked about how you know when therapy is working. Today, we’ll explore some reasons why therapy may not be helping.

1. Your goals aren’t clear

Sometimes, we start therapy with a clear idea of what we would like to be different in our life. Other times, our therapist works with us to establish clear goals to guide our sessions. If you don’t know what you’re working on, it’s hard to feel like anything is getting accomplished. 

2. Your therapist isn’t the right fit

As we move through the therapeutic process, we begin to identify what we do and don’t like in therapy. Sometimes, the way our therapist does therapy isn’t what we need or want.  One way of thinking about it is that therapy is a medicine and individual therapists are the different types of medicine. Some therapists will be able to offer what you need and want, some won’t. 

3. You may not be ready

Change happens over time. It can be easy to judge where we are based on where we would like to be. It’s important to be patient with where you are at. Carl Rogers once said

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

4. You might need to see a medical doctor

The body impacts the mind and the mind impacts the body. When no matter what we do, we’re still not feeling better, it might be worth a check-up with our medical doctor to make sure everything is OK physically.  

5. You might be scared

Many people have the experience of becoming more aware once they start therapy. Sometimes, change can be scary. We might be feeling scared but unaware of our fear. This unconscious fear could be leading us to behaviors that are counterproductive to our therapeutic goals.  

Like, we talked about last time: People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. Therapy may not be working for a variety of reasons that depend on why you started. This is by no means an extensive list, but it might serve as a helpful conversation starter with your therapist. 

Codependency: Who do You Think is in Control?

In my last two blogs, I spoke about the relationship between codependency and certain unrealistic patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. I defined “codependency” as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behaviors – whom I will call the taker -- and their counterpart, the codependent, who enables the taker’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior. 

To recap: last time I wrote about “blaming,” where both parties place blame for the dysfunctional behavior on someone other than the one who is really responsible for those behaviors. In many cases, the person blamed by both people is the codependent, rather than the taker who is taking the actions. In this blog, we’ll look at another cognitive distortion -- a “cousin” of blaming: The Control Fallacy.

There are two sides to the control fallacy: the External Control Fallacy and the Internal Control Fallacy.

The external control fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. They think they are a victim of happenstance or of someone else’s actions and that they have no agency over the matter. They thus excuse their own negative behaviors – take no responsibility for them – and rationalize continuing to act in a way that would require a lot of effort to stop. 

The addict or taker who is perpetually late for work might hold the subway system accountable. “It’s not my fault I’m late. The trains are terrible!”. If they are reprimanded by their boss for doing a bad job on a project, they might shirk responsibility by claiming: “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor; my boss demanded I work overtime on it!” This unrealistic pattern of thinking, or cognitive distortion, is the addict’s or taker’s way of enabling themselves to continue the behavior. 

The codependent can also fall prey to the external control fallacy, which can lead to their own kind of enabling behaviors. For example, when the codependent co-opts their counterpart’s unrealistic external control fallacy -- that the dysfunctional behavior is due to an outside force – the codependent also excuses the behavior and promotes its continuation. “I need to keep paying his student loan bills. It’s not his fault he spends so much on clothing. He has to look professional for his job!”    

You also see the internal control fallacy in the codependent when they mistakenly think they somehow control and are responsible for the feelings of their counterpart. That belief very often will extend to practically everyone the codependent deals with. They think that the happiness, pain, displeasure, etc. of others exists because of something they are doing. “You’re unhappy. I must have done something to upset you!” If they are giving a party they might believe they are responsible for their guests’ enjoyment or even boredom at the event. “If I had only put up more decorations, people would have had a better time.” When taken to the extreme, the codependent feels that their way of being or even their existence has the power to “make” someone feel or act the way they do.

If you relate to these thoughts and thought patterns, psychotherapy with a mindfulness approach might be really helpful. Psychotherapy can help you examine your thoughts and behaviors, and look at where they might have actually served you in the past. With your therapist, you can identify distorted or mistaken beliefs and ways of thinking that currently lead to unhealthy behaviors with negative consequences.

With the help of exercises designed to promote mindfulness, you can become more aware of your current reality and learn to tolerate it by practicing staying in the present moment. You can then begin to develop acceptance of what actually is. You will have the tools to replace the distorted thought patterns you have identified with and start to create more realistic and functional ones. You can then find your way to more healthy relationships – with others…and yourself! Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll look at the cognitive distortion of the Fallacy of Change. Until then!

How Do You Know if Therapy is Working?

People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons: depression, anxiety, relationship issues--the list goes on and on. With so many different reasons to seek support, how do you know when therapy is working? 

1.You’re trying something different

What’s that saying? 

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” --Albert Einstein

People usually start coming to therapy when something in their life isn’t working. It can be very easy to keep ourselves stuck in a rut, engaging in the same old ways of coping,  just hoping for things to be different. Starting therapy is usually the first step to trying something different. Over time, you might begin to notice that you’re reacting to old situations in new ways. 

2.You might start feeling a little bit worse

As weird as it may sound, you might begin to feel a little bit worse after starting therapy. Now, you’re probably asking yourself: why would I sign myself up for feeling worse? You’d be surprised how much of our time we spend on autopilot--completely unaware of how we’re feeling. A  part of working with a mindfulness-based therapist is learning how to become more aware of what you’re feeling. Chances are, you’re not necessarily feeling worse, you’re just more aware of how you’re feeling.

3. You’re talking more about your feelings

Some people come to therapy because they have difficulty talking about their feelings. Therapy is not only a great place to become more aware of how you’re feeling, but it is also a great place to practice putting your feelings into words. You may begin to notice that the more you vocalize how you’re feeling in therapy, the easier it becomes in other areas of your life. 

4. You’re more accepting of where you’re at

People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. It can be very easy to put a lot of expectations on ourselves. Remember: change takes time. One way you might notice therapy is working is when you begin to accept where you are at instead of comparing yourself to an idea of where you should be.

5. You’re asking: how do I know therapy is working?

People often have the experience of becoming more self-reflective after starting therapy. It makes sense that you’d eventually want to re-evaluate how things are going with your therapist, what progress you’ve made, and clarify your goals for therapy. If you’re asking this question, chances are therapy is working.  

It’s important to highlight again: people come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. How to tell if therapy is working depends on why you started therapy. This is by no means an extensive list but might serve as a conversation starter in your next therapy session. 

Next time, we’ll talk about how to tell when therapy isn’t working. 

Codependency: How are you thinking? The Role of “Blaming”

In my last blog I spoke about codependency and three unrealistic patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions – that are common in codependent relationships. To recap: I defined “codependency” as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self: their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions, are often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion is an important element in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. The theory behind CBT is that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. CBT posits that we all possess, and repeat to ourselves, a default set of automatic thoughts, which can cause problems for us when they are not appropriate to the situation at hand. CBT identifies irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions  -- which go hand-in-hand with these problematic thoughts. They are ways of thinking that that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately. Today, I will highlight one cognitive distortion frequently seen in codependent relationships: Blaming.

Blaming can operate in both members of the relationship, though not always in the same way. A person engages in “blaming” when they hold the other person responsible for their emotional well-being, emotional pain, or even the actions they take. All sorts of interpersonal and intrapersonal problems stem from blaming.

The codependent might say: “He made me feel terrible about myself.” 

This kind of blaming is a distortion: no one can make you feel a certain way. Feeling badly about yourself is a feeling stemming from the belief that the negative comments the taker throws at you must be true. After all, your well-being is contingent upon them (or so your believe) and thus you don’t have to take responsibility for your own feelings or your own welfare.

The partner, or taker, might say: “I drink because you nag me all the time.” 

This kind of blaming absolves the partner from taking responsibility for their actions. If someone else is to blame for their drinking, for example, they are justified in not putting in the effort and feeling the discomfort associated with changing, or in this case, getting sober.

Because they also believe in the legitimacy of blaming, the codependent might corroborate the taker’s belief that they, the giver, is to blame –in this case for their partner’s drinking. The codependent thus assumes responsibility for the taker’s dysfunctional behavior: they blame themselves for it. The result: the codependent might feel tremendous guilt and work themselves into a pretzel to stop “causing” the taker’s problem. 

Here, the blaming is clearly a distortion. It is not realistic to blame yourself for someone else’s dysfunctional behavior. That’s the other person’s responsibility and choice. Taking on the blame again absolves the taker from the responsibility for their own behaviors, and it encourages them to unload their feelings of guilt onto the codependent.

Blaming is not exclusive to codependent relationships either. People have a natural tendency to occasionally blame others for negative situations of their own making to avoid painful feelings like guilt, embarrassment and shame. In a codependent relationship, blaming is the default setting and is corroborated by both parties to distract them from difficult feelings and painful realities. Do you recognize a pattern of blaming in your relationship? If so, the first step to healing is awareness. 

Practicing mindfulness moves you towards awareness by helping you see your current reality – your current situation -- more objectively. Difficult as that awareness can feel, psychotherapy supports you in moving towards acceptance of the reality of your situation, which is a necessary step in the healing process. Psychotherapy offers the tools to facilitate change by teaching you to correct your faulty thought patterns. Mindfulness-based psychotherapy provides you the tools and the support to sit with the difficult feelings surrounding your situation without needing to divert attention from them by engaging in faulty thought patterns such a blaming. 

According to CBT, when thoughts change, feelings and behaviors change. So when even one partner starts to recognize and sit with the reality of their relationship and the difficult feelings associated with it, they can begin to alter their distorted ways of thinking. They can start to change their behaviors in the relationship, which is bound to disrupt unhealthy dynamics, leaving room to develop healthier patterns and a healthier relationship.

Join me in my next blog where we’ll take a closer look at another cognitive distortion you see in codependent relationships: The Control Fallacy. 

Until then!

Codependency: How Are You Thinking?

I work with several clients who say they are codependent or in a codependent relationship. Codependency is defined in a variety of ways by different experts, and plays out differently for different people. Many speak of codependency in close relationships between someone addicted to a substance or behavior and their counterpart (the codependent) who “enables” their addictive behavior. However, a parallel dynamic can also operate in relationships between a codependent person, "the giver" and a non-substance-abusing partner, "the taker", who might possess such qualities as neediness, immaturity, or entitlement or be under-functioning or emotionally troubled.

The codependent, sometimes labeled the giver might try to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. These acts of  “caring”, often involve making extreme sacrifices for the taker. The codependent enables their partner, rather than allow them to learn to take responsibility for themselves. The codependent’s sense of self: their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions, are often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors. The codependent believes that their brand of loving and caring is a good thing, even though others can see how unhealthy it is for both parties. 

What’s going on for the codependent that keeps them in this dysfunctional pattern? Here are some ideas to consider:

What they are thinking: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is based on the premise that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. CBT posits that we all possess, and repeat to ourselves, a default set of automatic thoughts, which can cause problems for us when they are not appropriate to the situation at hand. CBT identifies irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but ways of thinking that that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately. There are at least three cognitive distortions common in codependent relationships:

1. Blaming

2. Control Fallacy  

3. Fallacy of Change

I’ll explain these distortions in depth in subsequent blogs, but here’s an overview to get you thinking:

1. Blaming: When people engage in Blaming, they either blame the other person for their emotional distress and any subsequent actions, or they blame themselves for their partner’s dysfunctional behavior and emotional upset.

2. Control Fallacy: There are two sides to the Control Fallacy:

   A. External Control Fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. 

   B. Internal Control Fallacy, is when a codependent might think they are responsible for and can even control their partner’s negative feelings.

   3. Fallacy of Change: A codependent who believes in the Fallacy of Change thinks they are able to change their partner to be who they want them to be and act how they want them to act if they just figure out how to do it. They employ all sorts of indirect and aggressive strategies to change their partner and because their attempts are based on a fallacy, they fail.

In Summary, if you can relate to any of these thought patterns -- if you see codependency in your relationship with someone --  know that this can be a painful situation and at times can feel beyond repair. The good news is that it is not a done deal. You can start by slowing down and increasing awareness of the dynamic you’re entangled in. An example of a practice that helps to increase awareness of your thoughts is mindfulness.

Mindfulness practice and psychotherapy combined can be a way to get in touch with difficult, uncomfortable feelings and make space to accept things as they are rather than viewing reality with a skewed perspective of what’s going on. t’s important to first understand and become more aware of our problematic thought patterns. Once aware, we have the potential to correct those thought patterns, so that feelings and behaviors can change. When one partner’s behaviors change, the other partner can’t help but adjust, and the potential for a new kind of relationship is born.

Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll take a closer look at Blaming. Until then!

Mindfulness, Psychotherapy, & Your Brain

Mindfulness and meditation are getting so much hype nowadays! The term mindfulness is used in so many different contexts. At a certain point when a word means everything it can seem like it really means nothing. So, what do the practices of mindfulness and meditation actually look like? How does meditation or mindfulness actually promote change? And how is mindfulness relevant to therapy? 

We live in a society that is so rushed and encourages us to manage multiple tasks at once. However, research shows:  multitasking isn’t a thing our brains are capable of doing and actually decreases our enjoyment in what we’re doing (Park, Xu, Rourke, & Bellur, 2019). With so much societal encouragement to keep doing, it can be hard to slow down. That’s where mindfulness comes in. Mindfulness is the intentional attunement to all parts of our experience: our thoughts, feelings, and sensations in our bodies.  Mindfulness is a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute practice. 

For some, it might look like noticing your thoughts wandering in a meeting. For others, it might be savoring every bite of a meal--intentionally chewing and noticing all the flavors of your food. Mindfulness might be noticing what’s happening in your body when you’re fighting with your partner and then choosing how to proceed with the conversation--or pausing the conversation for later. It might be noticing you need a stretch break after a morning of working on the computer; or recognizing that tight feeling in your chest relaxes when you call up a  friend. 

Mindfulness is a unique practice for each individual--just like psychotherapy. Mindfulness-based  psychotherapy is a dynamic process that aims to promote awareness of the connection between your thoughts, feelings and physiological responses. At Mindful NYC our clinicians pull from a wide range of tools to support you in being more aware of what is happeninging in your mind and body. 

Ok, so if that’s what mindfulness is, what’s meditation? Meditation is also a practice and will look different for each individual. Traditionally, meditation is the seated, formal practice of mindfulness: a meditator will select an allotted time to sit in an upright posture, lower their eyelids, focus on their breath, and notice their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations--without judgement. 

Research shows that the formal process of meditating actually promotes the micro-practice of mindfulness (Hernández, Suero, Barros, González-Mora & Rubia, 2016). Without getting too scientific: your brain produces electrical impulses all the time--your brain is never not working. What you think about and consciously notice going on around you is only a portion of your whole experience. Your brain is working hard to filter out unimportant stimuli.

When you close your eyes your brain begins to produce more alpha activity. Alpha is associated with calmness and relaxation. When you close your eyes and focus on your breathing: your brain begins to produce more theta activity. We’re still learning so much about the brain, but generally speaking, theta is associated with: relaxed attention, memory/emotional integration, and focus. When we meditate our brains produce more alpha and theta which leads to being more relaxed, aware, attentive, and focused (Lomas, Ivtzan, Fu, 2015).

Over time, the practice of mediation and the neurophysiological processes it promotes changes how your brain processes information and makes it easier to be more mindful (Dentico, et al., 2016). Working with a mindfulness-based psychotherapist is a collaborative process, pulling from a wide range of tools, aiming to connect your mental, emotional, and physical experiences. All-in-all, the combination of mindfulness, meditation, and psychotherapy can help you slow down, relax, and notice more of what’s happening in your mind, body, and environment. 

References

Dentico, D., Ferrarelli, F., Riedner, B. A., Smith, R., Zennig, C., Lutz, A. Tottoni, G., &  Davidson, R. J. (2016). Short Meditation Trainings Enhance Non-REM Sleep Low-Frequency Oscillations. PLoS ONE, 11(2), 1–18. https://doi-org.tcsedsystem.idm.oclc.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0148961

Hernández, S. E., Suero, J., Barros, A., González-Mora, J. L., & Rubia, K. (2016). Increased Grey Matter Associated with Long-Term Sahaja Yoga Meditation: A Voxel-Based Morphometry Study. PLoS ONE, 11(3), 1–16. https://doi-org.tcsedsystem.idm.oclc.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0150757

Lomas T, Ivtzan I, & Fu, C. (2015). A systematic review of the neurophysiology of mindfulness on EEG oscillation. Neuroscience & Behavioral Reviews, 57, pp.401-410.  Retrieved from 10.1016/j.neubiorev.2015.09.018

Park, S., Xu, X., Rourke, B., & Bellur, S. (2019). Do You Enjoy TV, while Tweeting? Effects of Multitasking on Viewers’ Transportation, Emotions and Enjoyment. Journal of Broadcasting & Electronic Media, 63(2), 231–249. https://doi-org.tcsedsystem.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/08838151.2019.1622340