Finding the Courage to Change: Cutting Through the Gordian Knot

Cutting Through the Gordian Knot: The Courage to Change and Break Free

Life’s challenges can often feel like a Gordian knot—an intricate, tangled mess of past experiences, limiting beliefs, and deep-rooted fears that seem impossible to untangle. But just like in the ancient myth where Alexander the Great boldly sliced through the knot instead of untying it, we too have the ability to cut through our personal struggles by summoning the courage to change.

In psychology, three key themes are crucial when it comes to fostering the courage to change and break free from these mental entanglements: acceptance of truth, responsibility for personal growth, and the power of autonomy. By weaving these themes together, we can find not only the strength to confront our deepest fears but also the tools to move beyond them.

1. The Truth Will Set You Free — But First, It Will Challenge You

Many of us have heard the phrase "the truth will set you free," but in reality, the truth often feels like it does the opposite. Instead of offering immediate release, it confronts us with the weight of our history, unresolved emotional debts, and difficult patterns we’ve carried forward. This is where the Gordian knot metaphor comes into play—our lives can become so intertwined with old stories, defense mechanisms, and unconscious fears that we feel trapped by them.

In therapy, the first step toward change is accepting the truth about ourselves. This means looking honestly at the patterns that keep us stuck, the fears that hold us back, and the ways we avoid responsibility. Facing these uncomfortable realities requires tremendous courage, but once we do, we gain the strength to rise above survival mode. We stop simply managing our problems and begin actively transforming them.

2. Owning Your Story: Responsibility for Personal Growth

The next key theme in unraveling the Gordian knot of personal struggles is taking responsibility for your growth. In many cases, we resist change because it feels safer to stay in familiar patterns, even when they no longer serve us. We may blame external circumstances, other people, or even our past for why we feel stuck. However, this creates a dependency on external forces and takes away our power.

In contrast, real growth requires us to take ownership of our lives. We must recognize that, while we can’t control everything that happens to us, we have control over how we respond to it. Therapy offers a supportive space to begin questioning the narratives that make us feel small, dependent, or afraid of failure. In doing so, we start to dismantle the layers of the knot, releasing ourselves from the grip of past hurts or limiting beliefs.

By owning your choices and accepting that no one else is responsible for your life, you reclaim your power. This shift allows you to see the Gordian knot not as an insurmountable obstacle but as an opportunity for transformation.

3. The Power of Autonomy: Living on Your Terms

Lastly, autonomy is the third essential theme in the journey of courage and change. True freedom comes not just from untangling yourself from the past but from learning how to embrace your personal power. Many people avoid stepping into their power because of the fear of making mistakes or the discomfort of uncertainty. It can feel easier to follow someone else’s lead or rely on external validation to guide your choices.

However, living in this way keeps us small and dependent. Real courage involves taking bold action—trusting your ability to navigate life’s challenges and respecting your own autonomy. It also means allowing others the space to grow without imposing your control over their journey. As Alfred Adler, the renowned psychologist, emphasized: courage is contagious. By developing our own inner strength, we inspire those around us to embrace their autonomy and courage as well.

Much like the African proverb, “The trouble for the thief is not how to steal the chief’s bugle, but where to blow it,” the real challenge in personal growth is not in gaining power or freedom but in learning how to use it wisely. With autonomy comes the responsibility to make decisions that are aligned with your values, to navigate life without needing constant approval, and to step into your potential without fear of failure.

Summoning the Courage to Change

The process of untangling the Gordian knot within ourselves requires both vulnerability and boldness. It’s not about avoiding challenges or hoping they’ll work themselves out, but about cutting through the entanglements with the courage to confront the truth, take responsibility for personal growth, and claim our autonomy. In therapy and in life, the courage to change is the key to real freedom.

No one else can make these changes for you. You are the architect of your life, and only you can choose to cut through the knots that bind you. The question isn’t whether you have the strength—it’s whether you have the courage to use it. And when you do, you’ll not only transform yourself but also create a ripple effect, inspiring others to summon their courage and break free from their own Gordian knots.

References:

Adler, A. (1930). The Science of Living.

Bridging the Mind and Spirit: Spiritual Growth and Psychological Maturation in Therapy

The intersection of adult development, psychological maturity, and spirituality is a rich and complex journey, offering valuable insights, especially in the context of therapy. Robert Kegan, a Harvard professor and leading figure in developmental psychology, sheds light on this journey through his theory of the evolving self, which maps out the stages of psychological growth that we experience throughout our lives (Kegan, 1982). Kegan’s framework invites us to explore how our understanding of self and spirituality evolves, offering a more nuanced perspective on personal growth and transformation. This process is central to the theme of bridging the mind and spirit—where spiritual growth and psychological maturation come together to create a more integrated and authentic self.

Kegan's model moves beyond traditional, binary perspectives on growth, offering a more sophisticated understanding of how we evolve both psychologically and spiritually. It suggests that our spiritual beliefs and practices, particularly in the earlier stages of development, might echo Freud's notion in The Future of an Illusion (Freud, 1927)

where religion and spirituality can sometimes function as a means to manage our external realities and fulfill our inner desires. Freud viewed this as a sign of psychological immaturity, a way to project our fears and wishes onto an all-powerful entity that provides comfort and order.

While Freud's interpretation may seem dismissive, it aligns with certain stages of development. At these stages, our understanding of spirituality may indeed be more about finding solace in external constructs. However, as we progress and mature, our relationship with spirituality can undergo a profound transformation. This evolution is where Kegan's theory becomes particularly relevant.

As we move through Kegan's stages of adult development, particularly as we approach the Self-Authoring and Self-Transforming minds, our spirituality begins to shift. It becomes less about external validation or control and more about a deeper, intrinsic connection to our authentic selves. This maturation process enables us to move beyond fear-driven dependencies and into a state of being where we can see reality as it truly is—complex, yet beautifully simple.

In this more advanced stage, spirituality is no longer about constructing comforting illusions. Instead, it becomes an expression of our ongoing self-discovery and psychological growth. This perspective doesn’t diminish the value of spirituality; rather, it highlights its potential depth and richness as we continue to evolve. It is here that spirituality intersects with the Buddhist concept of primordial wisdom—the idea that the mind has an innate capacity for deep, unfiltered awareness.

When we achieve this level of spiritual and psychological maturity, reality takes on new immediacy and clarity. It allows us to engage with the world without judgment or attachment, perceiving the interconnectedness of all things. This state of awareness enables us to view our past, present, and future selves as part of a continuous, dynamic process of development.

Those who reach this level of self-transformation can inspire others, having themselves navigated the complex journey of growth. Their transformation is marked by compassionate acceptance, wisdom, and an openness that is both powerful and vulnerable.

In therapy, bridging the mind and spirit—exploring the intersection of adult development, psychological maturity, and spirituality—can offer profound insights. It can help individuals not only understand their current spiritual beliefs but also recognize the potential for growth and transformation, leading to a more integrated and authentic self.

This holistic approach enriches the therapeutic process, fostering deeper connections within oneself, with others, and between the mind and spirit.

References

- Freud, S. (1927). *The Future of an Illusion*. W.W. Norton & Company.
- Kegan, R. (1982). *The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development*. Harvard University Press.

Exploring the Intersection of Neuroplasticity, Mindfulness, and Life's Natural Processes: Insights for Psychotherapy Clients

Understanding the intricate relationship between our thoughts, environment, and experiences is essential for those seeking therapy to enhance their mental well-being. This exploration gains a profound meaning when we draw parallels to the natural world, as I recently discovered during a captivating journey to a slot canyon.

The Slot Canyon: Exploring the Brain's Remarkable Adaptability

During this visit, our Navajo guide offered a detailed illustration using the elements of sand, water, and his breath. He explained the intricate ways in which these forces influenced the formation of the breathtaking canyon, which held deep significance for the Navajo people, connecting their spiritual beliefs with the physical realm. This really struck a chord with me, particularly when contemplating the complex inner workings of the brain's limbic system. Our emotions and memories are deeply intertwined, much like the intricate formations of a breathtaking canyon shaped by the forces of nature.

The Limbic System: Balancing Emotions and Memories

In a fascinating study by Collins (2016), it was discovered that the limbic system, which serves as the emotional center of our brain, plays a vital role in our very survival. For clients in therapy, particularly those balancing high-pressure jobs, relationships, and parenting, understanding the limbic system's function is vital. This balance is essential for all psychotherapy clients who face challenges and obstacles in their lives. These clients' unique experiences have shaped them, much like how natural processes formed the canyon, which has improved their resilience and adaptability.

Neuroplasticity and Mindfulness: Shaping the Brain's Landscape

Drawing parallels from the canyon's formation, we can see how neuroplasticity—the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections—mirrors these natural processes. Our experiences, behaviors, and environment reshape our brain, offering hope and empowerment in therapy. This is when mindfulness becomes a powerful tool. We actively reshape our brains by being fully present and aware, much like how natural forces shaped the canyon.

The Transience of Formation and Change

A facinating aspect of the canyon demonstration was how the formed slot canyon, resembling a brain, was eventually dispersed back into sand grains, vanishing as if it never existed. This transient nature reminds us of the impermanence of our thoughts and feelings, reinforcing the importance of mindfulness in our journey. Just as the sand formation returned to its basic elements, our thoughts and emotions are unique and ever-changing, not fixed entities.

Embracing the Journey with Insight and Awareness

For our psychotherapy clients, these insights provide a rich tapestry of understanding. A variety of factors shape and influence the brain, just as they do the slot canyon. By embracing neuroplasticity and mindfulness, we can better navigate our mental landscapes, recognizing that our minds, like the canyon, are constantly evolving and adapting.

The therapeutic journey is a continuous process of discovery and transformation. We strive to encourage our clients to discuss these concepts with their therapists, exploring how the lessons from nature, neuroplasticity, and mindfulness can be integrated into their therapeutic path, leading to a life of balance, resilience, and mental well-being.

References

1. Collins, N. (2016). "Understanding the Limbic System: The Emotional Center of the Brain." Journal of Neurological Sciences. This reference provides insights into the limbic system's role in emotional regulation and memory.

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Mindful psychotherapy is a refuge for overburdened city dwellers.
Our mission is to provide a protected space of compassion, safety, and stability with the purpose of helping you lead a fuller, richer life.

We offer individual, couple, family, and group psychotherapy. To inquire about our sliding-scale services, please schedule a consultation. www.Mindful.nyc

Embracing Mindfulness in Psychotherapy: Lessons from Nature and Beyond

Embracing Mindfulness in Psychotherapy: Lessons from Nature and Beyond

In the dynamic world of psychotherapy, clients often grapple with balancing the demands of daily life while seeking mental and emotional well-being. This journey sometimes feels like navigating through a dense forest; making progress may seem slow and arduous. But what if we could draw inspiration from the natural world to enhance our therapeutic journey?

Sea Turtles on Maui: A Symbol of Mindful Pacing

Consider the sea turtles on Maui, who are often seen taking a leisurely break on the shore every evening around sunset. I have a photo of this serene scene on my desktop, a gentle reminder of the value of patience and deliberation. In our fast-paced world, haste and impulsivity can impede good decision-making. The sea turtles, having evolved over millions of years, embody the wisdom of understanding one's limits and the importance of slowing down, a valuable lesson for psychotherapy clients.

Visualizing Mindfulness: A Socialization Exercise

This imagery can be transformed into a visual socialization exercise for clients in therapy. Imagine an activity where clients identify with dierent animal qualities, akin to the turtles, and use "rest stations" to pause and reect on their strategies, objectives, and concerns. The image of the sea turtle becomes a physical representation of the importance of patience and thoughtful pacing, illustrating how sometimes slowing down can enhance resilience and group dynamics.

Demystifying Mindfulness in Therapy

Many clients are curious about mindfulness and its role in therapy. Though often perceived as a buzzword, mindfulness is a powerful concept that can be integrated into everyday life.

It encompasses:

1. Awareness of the present moment, including body awareness (breath, emotions, and physical sensations).

2. Observance and acceptance of one's surroundings without judgment 3. compassionate, non-judgmental awareness of habitual thoughts

Incorporating Mindfulness into Therapy

Mindfulness practices in therapy can range from body scanning to breathing exercises. These techniques help clients become aware of their thoughts without being controlled by them, which is empowering for those dealing with common mental disorders like anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or substance abuse.

Loving-kindness Meditations, originating from Buddhism, are another mindfulness technique used in therapy. These meditations aim to cultivate unselsh, unconditional kindness and compassion towards oneself and others. Studies, including one by Fredrickson et al. (2008), have shown that these techniques can enhance daily positive emotions and overall mental health.

Mindful Therapy: A Tool for Both Client and Therapist

Mindfulness in therapy isn’t just benecial for clients; it's also a vital tool for therapists. Being grounded and fully present allows the therapist to empathize deeply with the client's experiences. This mindful presence fosters a therapeutic environment where the client and therapist can engage more eectively.

In conclusion, the journey of psychotherapy, much like the mindful pacing of the sea turtles, teaches us the value of slowing down, being present, and embracing each moment with patience and deliberateness. By incorporating mindfulness into therapy, clients can navigate their mental health journey with greater awareness, resilience, and peace of mind.

Reference List:

1. Fredrickson, B. L., Cohn, M. A., Coey, K. A., Pek, J., & Finkel, S. M. (2008). "Open hearts build lives: Positive emotions, induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources." *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95*(5), 1045-1062. This study discusses the benets of loving-kindness meditation and its impact on positive emotions and mental health.

2. "Maui Sea Turtle Conservation." (2023). Maui Ocean Center. This source provides information on the behavior of sea turtles in Maui, which is used as an analogy in the blog.

Patient Resources Provided by Mindful Psychotherapy, a refuge for overburdened city dwellers.

Our mission is to provide a protected space of compassion, safety, and stability with the purpose of helping you lead a fuller, richer life. We oer individual, couple, family, and group psychotherapy. To inquire about our sliding scale services, please schedule a consultation. www.Mindful.nyc

To Date or Not to Date?

I recently wrote a piece for Psychology Today on dating during COVID-19. I provided four questions to ask yourself to figure out your boundaries around dating during a global pandemic—starting with the question of whether or not you should be dating at all. 

While many outlets are trying to untangle guidelines around safely getting to know new people—from video dates to socially distanced meetings—it’s important to start with this question. Dating during a pandemic can raise the stakes and make dating feel more intense. Just one reason is that many new partners are becoming monogamous immediately to lower risks of transmission. Some people may like the new focus and clarity. Simultaneously, negative outcomes like ghosting can feel more hurtful when we’re spending most of our time at home near our phones, unable to seek as much in-person support or distraction as we normally would. 

Whether or not you decide to date, it’s important to focus on grounding yourself and taking care of yourself on a daily basis. Grounding may look like meditation, yoga, journaling, or speaking with friends who make you feel supported and confident. Taking care of yourself means both focusing on physical care (getting enough sleep, exercising, eating healthily), and finding pleasure in whatever forms work for you (taking nature walks, watching horror movies, making art). With self-care as your primary goal, you’ll be more likely to handle whatever emotions come your way in dating or not-dating.

Image Source: Glen Anthony on Unsplash

5 Simple Ways to be Friendly

By Harsh Dave with Lan Lan Yoga

Making friends can be hard sometimes. It’s hard to be yourself and have the courage to stay true to who you are while making friends with other people. Its hard for us, so it must be hard for our children. Here are a few tips to help your kids make friends!

• Don’t be afraid to talk!
  
  The hardest step can be simply talking and feeling free to express yourself. Its so easy to go through life with walls up, and hide what you are really feeling and thinking, but if you have the courage to speak up about what’s going on in your head, you might find that other people feel the same way!
  

• Try to keep other’s feelings in mind!
  
  Being sensitive to how other people feel is very important for making friends! People don’t like to feel like you’re not listening to them when they are speaking, or that your insensitive to what’s going on in their life. Thinking before you speak can help you avoid making other people feel bad when you don’t mean to hurt their feelings.
  

• Do your best to handle conflict!
  
  It’s hard when you get into fights with your friends. Try to remember that your friends like you for who you are, and even if you don’t get along sometimes, it doesn’t mean that they stopped liking you. Everyone is different, so when you get upset with your friends, remember that its okay to let go of your anger, because your friends are important, and you don’t have to agree on everything!
  

• Don’t be afraid to share your struggles!
  
  Everyone has bad days, but if you keep your bad day in your heart it will only stay with you. Don’t be afraid to share your problems with your friends! They are your friends because they care about you!
  

• Be a friend to yourself!
  
  Remember that you have to like yourself so you can show yourself honestly to other people! There are so many great things about all of us! Celebrate those great things so you can share them with your friends!

10 Reason Why Your Children Should Do Yoga

Yoga is a series of stretches and poses that an individual does while controlling their breathing technique. Since it’s a gentle activity, almost anyone can do it, regardless of your age or fitness level. Yoga allows children to express their energy and joy. It gives them an opportunity to try out new poses, which encourages them to believe and achieve. 

Yoga exercises can be intense and vigorous, depending on your personal choice. No matter which type of exercise you do, it will allow your mind and body to relax and reflect. 

1. Yoga allows children to challenge themselves 

Children will be given the opportunity to try out new yoga poses. To an extent, children get to overcome an obstacle. 

2. Children get to take time off and reflect on their personal health

This allows children to understand what works well for their body, this can be related to breathing problems, anger management, and even time management. 

3. Yoga encourages connection between each other

Children will learn to communicate with each other, especially when they are practicing poses with a partner. 

4. Yoga provides a method, environment where children can explore themselves

The environment that the children practice in will be private, meaning they will learn about their strengths and weaknesses. 

5. Yoga works as a “natural medicine” for people of all ages

Yoga is a natural, drug-free method for your body to reset and re-energize.

6. Children will understand how to control their emotions through success and failure

Failure does not always bring negative effects. In fact, children can learn about the process and how to prevent failure. 

7. Yoga is non-competitive (Self-challenge) 

Instead of competing with other, yoga allows you to set goals ( achieve whatever pose you like).

8. Yoga improves sleep patterns especially in young children

Yoga can benefit sleep schedules, as well as breathing techniques. 

9. Children learn about determination and perseverance

Without determination and perseverance, the chance of success is rather low.

10. Encourage kids to be patient and learn

In the beginning, children will have to pay attention to practice certain poses. They might even have to observe an expert first before trying it out themselves. 

Yoga brings positive aspects to our spiritual and mental well-being. Growing up is a challenging period of parents and children, let us use yoga to de-stress and unwind. Yoga provides such a wonderful activity for the family. So why not try it out?  At Lan Lan Yoga, we utilize a simple three steps method to take Yoga for children to the next level by having the children to reflect their own experience, helping them perceive, believe and achieve!

Setting Mindful Intentions

Recently I was asked to interview for Pilates Style magazine on creating and maintaining New Year resolutions. In the article, I offered three stages of applying mindfulness to succeed and sustain your aspirations for the new year. The three stages are:

1. Setting Mindful Intentions

2. Putting It Into Practice

3. Maintaining Intentions

Setting Mindful Intentions:

An important first step in setting mindful intentions is to decide how you achieve your goal. One way to adopt and preserve your New Year's intentions is a concept I will highlight called harm reduction. Harm reduction is taking simple yet measurable steps towards a larger goal. 

Why is harm reduction important in setting intentions? Researchers found that people are more likely to succeed when they are rewarded for the small wins along the way. According to a study conducted by Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer, “When we think about progress, we often imagine how good it feels to achieve a long-term goal or experience a major breakthrough. These big wins are great—but they are relatively rare. The good news is that even small wins can boost inner work life tremendously” (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).

I will use a case example of a client named John to help further illustrate mindful intentions through harm reduction.

Putting It Into Practice:

John is a 25-year-old recent college graduate in finance who has been smoking half a pack of cigarettes every day since he was 14 years old. Over the course of several months in therapy, John and I implemented a harm reduction technique to slowly decrease John’s smoking habit. Rather than smoking half a pack, he started to smoke one less cigarette every day for one month. In the subsequent month, John reduced his intake even more by smoking two less cigarettes a day. He continued to reduce the daily number of cigarettes each month in small, manageable increments. 

John was able to identify work stress as his primary trigger. In therapy, we worked together to develop a toolkit of mindfulness technique, such as body scanning, diaphragmatic breathing (breathing from the abdomen instead of the chest) and waiting 10 minutes before picking up his next cigarette. By combining mindfulness and harm reduction techniques,  John was eventually smoking only one cigarette per day, a dramatic change from his daily half a pack habit. 

Maintaining Intentions:

Now that I covered the first two stages, let’s talk about the third and most important stage: maintenance. Accountability is important for maintaining new habits because we all have blind spots. In the mental health industry, we call them cognitive distortions. Some examples are denial, minimizing, and all-or-nothing thinking. By setting mindful intentions and engaging in harm reduction techniques, you can shift out of the all-or-nothing mindset of “I am a failure because I fell off the wagon” to a healthier and more sustainable narrative such as “I can take this one step at a time, be patient, and not judge my progress.”

The reality is, the three stages of Intention Setting, Putting It Into Practice, and Maintenance is challenging for all of us. But, by seeking support, practicing harm reduction, and implementing mindfulness skills, we can take manageable steps towards a happier, healthier year. 

Breathwork

Chances are, you've heard of breathwork. In recent years, it’s made its way into yoga studios, the latest meditation apps, and wellness circles across the country. But what’s so special about breathing? 

What is breathwork?

Simply put, breathwork is an intentional practice of breathing. It can be understood as a form of active meditation in which there is a sole focus on a specific breathing pattern for a set period of time. 

Some techniques utilize a three-part breath--inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again for four counts each--whereas others practice six breaths per minute, inhaling and exhaling through the nose for four minutes or more. Consciously controlling the breath can have positive effects on our emotional, psychological, and physiological states (Morningstar, 2001). 

How does it work? 

Generally speaking, breathwork is a means of regulating the autonomic nervous system. When our sympathetic nervous system is activated by a stressor, we may feel anxious and overwhelmed. 

We often spend more time than we realize in our sympathetic nervous system throughout our daily lives--feeling frazzled at work or in an argument with a significant other. Especially during the holiday season, stress can run high. Often, patients will report challenges interacting with family and having difficulty shifting gears to focus in on their internal experience. By taking even a five-minute break to check in with ourselves, we have the power to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and bring the body back into balance (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). 

Tapping into the parasympathetic system, colloquially called the “rest and digest” system, improves the ability of regulatory centers of the brain to manage over-reactivity in the emotion-processing centers of the brain (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). Breathing techniques that stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system induce a relaxed state, allowing for greater emotional regulation and mental clarity (Morningstar, 2001). 

Breathwork can be especially helpful for the following issues:

1. anxiety

2. panic attacks

3. depression

 (Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., &  Harden, K. 2015). 

As we breathe deeper, we start to slow down and become increasingly present. We learn to quiet the mind and connect to our bodies. This heightened awareness allows us to not only feel more grounded, connected, and safe with ourselves--but also with others. 

Using breathwork in therapy

In my experience, ignoring bodily sensations in therapy means we’re only doing half the work. Sometimes the body--and especially the breath--expresses emotions in ways that cannot yet be verbalized. In session, I utilize breathwork to help patients anchor themselves and begin regulating difficult emotions. 

Sometimes, this can be helpful at the start of a session as a way of establishing safety in the room. Here’s how we might begin: 

• Close your eyes and identify sensations in the body. 

• Locate the breath in the body and notice if you’re breathing mostly in your chest or more deeply, from your diaphragm.

• Begin to deepen the breath.  

• I would then guide the breath through a short exercise: inhaling for a series of counts, holding the breath briefly, and then elongating the exhale. 

Guiding you through a breathing exercise usually takes a few minutes and may involve visualizations. With practice, it becomes easier to bring the body and mind back to a state of calm. Ideally, this is a practice that you could ritualize and implement into your daily life, outside of session. 

REFERENCES:

Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. (2006). Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: neural respiratory elements may provide a mechanism that explains how slow deep breathing shifts the autonomic nervous system. Medical hypotheses, 67(3), 566-571.

Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., & Harden, K. (2015). Self-regulation of breathing as a primary treatment for anxiety. Applied psychophysiology and biofeedback, 40(2), 107-115.

Morningstar, J. (2001). Breathwork as a therapeutic adjunct in counseling. 

Morningstar, Jim,“Breathwork-Therapy of choice for whom?”, The Spirit of Breathwork, (2001).

Codependency: Who do You Think is in Control?

In my last two blogs, I spoke about the relationship between codependency and certain unrealistic patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. I defined “codependency” as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behaviors – whom I will call the taker -- and their counterpart, the codependent, who enables the taker’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior. 

To recap: last time I wrote about “blaming,” where both parties place blame for the dysfunctional behavior on someone other than the one who is really responsible for those behaviors. In many cases, the person blamed by both people is the codependent, rather than the taker who is taking the actions. In this blog, we’ll look at another cognitive distortion -- a “cousin” of blaming: The Control Fallacy.

There are two sides to the control fallacy: the External Control Fallacy and the Internal Control Fallacy.

The external control fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. They think they are a victim of happenstance or of someone else’s actions and that they have no agency over the matter. They thus excuse their own negative behaviors – take no responsibility for them – and rationalize continuing to act in a way that would require a lot of effort to stop. 

The addict or taker who is perpetually late for work might hold the subway system accountable. “It’s not my fault I’m late. The trains are terrible!”. If they are reprimanded by their boss for doing a bad job on a project, they might shirk responsibility by claiming: “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor; my boss demanded I work overtime on it!” This unrealistic pattern of thinking, or cognitive distortion, is the addict’s or taker’s way of enabling themselves to continue the behavior. 

The codependent can also fall prey to the external control fallacy, which can lead to their own kind of enabling behaviors. For example, when the codependent co-opts their counterpart’s unrealistic external control fallacy -- that the dysfunctional behavior is due to an outside force – the codependent also excuses the behavior and promotes its continuation. “I need to keep paying his student loan bills. It’s not his fault he spends so much on clothing. He has to look professional for his job!”    

You also see the internal control fallacy in the codependent when they mistakenly think they somehow control and are responsible for the feelings of their counterpart. That belief very often will extend to practically everyone the codependent deals with. They think that the happiness, pain, displeasure, etc. of others exists because of something they are doing. “You’re unhappy. I must have done something to upset you!” If they are giving a party they might believe they are responsible for their guests’ enjoyment or even boredom at the event. “If I had only put up more decorations, people would have had a better time.” When taken to the extreme, the codependent feels that their way of being or even their existence has the power to “make” someone feel or act the way they do.

If you relate to these thoughts and thought patterns, psychotherapy with a mindfulness approach might be really helpful. Psychotherapy can help you examine your thoughts and behaviors, and look at where they might have actually served you in the past. With your therapist, you can identify distorted or mistaken beliefs and ways of thinking that currently lead to unhealthy behaviors with negative consequences.

With the help of exercises designed to promote mindfulness, you can become more aware of your current reality and learn to tolerate it by practicing staying in the present moment. You can then begin to develop acceptance of what actually is. You will have the tools to replace the distorted thought patterns you have identified with and start to create more realistic and functional ones. You can then find your way to more healthy relationships – with others…and yourself! Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll look at the cognitive distortion of the Fallacy of Change. Until then!